It would be tempting to laugh away this week’s cares with a lighthearted column about the ruling by Britain’s government that footballers signed from non-EU nations must be able to pass an English test before they can join Manchester United or Chelsea.
Brazilian, Argentine, Senegalese and South Korean footy wizards will be grilled on everyday phrases and simple conversation under a tougher, new, points-based immigration system aimed at slowing down the flood of foreigners into the country.
Fair enough. But one wonders just how many home-grown British footballers would actually pass the test? The clubs are doubtless relieved the rules apply to the likes of Carlos Tevez rather than Jermaine Pennant. Then there is the much-maligned practice of “tapping up” potential targets. Now, overseas clubs only have to look out for English language tutors sneaking into their players’ villas to know that something is afoot.
Seriously, though, because this really is a serious subject after all, the move would appear to be connected to a broader global crisis which we shall refer to as “The Big Four and World Domination.”
Excuse the melodrama, but it seems necessary given the absurd situation in which we find ourselves: we’re coming towards the end of one of the most memorable-ever seasons of English and European football, yet newspapers and websites are full of the most ludicrous twaddle.
Kevin Keegan started it all off with his interview after Chelsea beat his team on Monday night to set up a thrilling Barclays Premier league finale, and Sepp Blatter carried it on with a critique of this season’s Big Four-dominated Champions League.
"This league is in danger of becoming one of the most boring but great leagues in the world," said Keegan, with a turn of phrase which may have caught the ears of Britain’s new immigration invigilators.
He added: “The top four next year will be the same top four as this year."
Keegan may actually have got that bit right. Study the BPL league tables for the past decade and it’s easy to identify a trend towards the top four finishers accruing even more points than ever. In the season ending in 1998, they picked up 283 points between them. In 2001 they amassed 287. Now consider the totals for the past four seasons: 2005 yielded 316 points, in 2006 they grabbed 323 points, 2007 saw them slip slightly to 308, but this season has seen the Big Four earn 321 points with this weekend’s four games still to go.
But does that automatically make the BPL boring?
It depends what one wants. The billions of BPL fans worldwide apparently relish each season’s battle for the top spot involving the Big Four. Should they demand a competition in which as many as six or eight teams vie for the league title, then how about this proposal: let’s abolish the UEFA Cup and the Carling Cup.
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