Ron Mexico Lives! 5 New Careers for Michael Vick
Now that Michael Vick has served his time, he is free to once again become a viable member of society. We, as society, can only hope he's more viable than he used to be.
With his NFL career up in the air, I gave some thought to what Mr. Vick should do lest he is unable to return to the gridiron and play his trade.
He's shown he's adept at other things throughout his celebrity, and with that in mind I have some suggestions as to what he should do with his life now that it's his once again.
Ron Mexico, Porn Star
Lose the sombrero, keep the mustache, and make everyone forget about Ron Jeremey!
To keep himself in the spotlight, Vick can reprise his role as "Ron Mexico" and infect his way through the porno ranks. Unlike on the field, his inconsistent and inaccurate arm is a plus, as it just makes for messier and less predictable money shots.
With his experience in water-bottle innovation already well known, it's logical that Vick would offer his services to any number of water manufacturers around the world. His innovative and clandestine designs will be all the rage among smugglers and hippies alike.
Rumor has it he's working on a design he calls "The Vick-Army Bottle." Like it's namesake, the bottle will have numerous offshoots of useful everyday items like: tweezers, a spork, a magnifying glass, mini Sudoku puzzles, a Michigan bankroll, bling, a taser, anal lube, herpes medication, a whiskey flask, a full-sized bong, a mirror for talking to your neighbor (or doing blow on), and a mini-screen that loops his Virginia Tech highlights to the tune of Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time"
Reality Show Star on
Take the family dysfunction on House of Carters, the inane behaviour on Jackass, the shining members of society on Cops, the mindlessness of The Hills, and the gripping sexual drama of Law & Order SVU and you've got yourself a hit reality show.
First episode: He Ain't Heavy.......
In this episode, Michael tells Marcus that they can both make it in the UFL if Marcus could only lose some weight and get in shape. Marcus promises to do so, and then promptly goes out and gets drunk with a 15-year-old girl.
Michael admonishes Marcus for having sex with her and using his real name, explaining that if sex can get you in trouble, you must create a clever, foolproof alias like John Argentina.
Marcus, having lived in Michael's shadow for years and now upset at what he feels is condescension from his brother, pulls out a gun and begins waving it around wildly.
Michael then sics his attack Iguana, Skittles, on Marcus to calm him down. Drama. Hilarity. Reality.
We are then shuttled around where the boys grew up in Newport News, Va., and finally understand where these guys come from. Things begin to make a bit more sense to everyone now.
Vick's International Courier Service
Vick's ability to weave in and out of traffic has been evident since College, and there's no better attribute for a courier to possess. He's fleet of foot, has connections all over the world, and needs to get out of the country for a while.
He's just been given permission to get a passport, so he's all set for all your international shipping needs.
Just don't give him anything too fragile: he has a tendency to be inaccurate with his throws and has been known to break things. But as long as you aren't delivering "The Law," you should be fine.
Commentator at the Westminster Dog Show
Who better than Vick to judge a dog's worthiness? I mean, his standards are admittedly a little different than the traditional Westminster standards, but hey, he's a professional. He knows dogs.
He'd be able to give analysis on important things like the dog's temperament, musculature, size and shape of their teeth, and whether or not they could last in the ring. Valuable information for the canine set, to be sure.
I mean, if the dog can't even throw down for more than one round, then how can it win best in show? This would the yearly controversy surrounding the "Best in Show" decision. Vick's vote would be the deal-breaker.
As an added bonus, Vick would then volunteer himself to be covered in meat tenderizer and hang out with the winning dog for five minutes alone, in a locked room.
After that five minutes all participants would be allowed in to thank Mr. Vick for all the time and effort he's devoted to their brethren. That way, everyone is a winner.