Five Steps To Becoming The "Heel" of Your Fantasy League
I've spent my entire life as a die-hard fan of wrestling. I can't help it. While my friends have "grown out of it," I stay a faithful and utterly engaged mark.
(For non-wrestling fans, a "mark" is someone who goes along with the story lines and cheers for what the company feeds you.)
For some reason, though, I could never cheer on the good guy. The Rock was at his best when demeaning the good guy and handcuffing Mankind, while simultaneously delivering the greatest chair shots in pay-per-view history.
Stone Cold's best years were his heel years of 2001. When the WWF title mattered so much that he began working with his long-time nemesis, Vince Macmahon, just to keep it.
In wrestling lingo, the heel is the bad guy and the "face" (originally "babyface") is the good guy.
I was always fascinated by the heel.
There are many reasons to dislike this guy: He's insatiably flamboyant about your lack of significance.
He never seems to recall losses.
He will do whatever it takes to win.
There is no level he won't sink to-chair shots and kicking a partner through barbershop windows spring to mind.
Amidst the myriad of reasons for your disdain, reaching out like fingertips ripe with a sense of God-given moral righteousness, two of them stand out amongst the belated crowd:
1. The great heel wins. A lot.
2. Secretly, you want to be just like him.
Jealousy inspires spite. Spite lays way to rumor. Rumor leads way to anger, and somewhere along the line a great bad guy is born.
The greatest bad guys have always been the ones involved in competition—when emotions and hormones are at their enraged epicenter.
(See Brock Lesnar at UFC 100 for more details.)
What better "heel" than the one involved in the manliest competition known to mortal man—fantasy football?
And with that, I present to you my top five methods of becoming the heel of your fantasy league.
The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword
Santino Marella has been one of the funniest, entertaining heels the wrestling world has ever known.
He has done so without ever really winning matches, which only adds to his greatness; not to mention other wrestler's fury.
No matter how many times he is defeated and receives his come-uppance, he is never silenced.
Every week, post a note on your league's main page about how much more dominant you were than your opponent.
If you out-scored the entire league, mention that, as well. If you can embarrass and harass everyone at once, then go for it. The more, the better.
If you lost, just blame it on luck. You did everything you could to put the best match ups in, your team just sucked it up and your opponent had his best week ever.
Mention how Lee Evans is "all or nothing" against the AFC East.
Who cares if it's true!
Make something up. No one will actually do the research!
I don't care how you go about it, just make sure that at least twice a week you let everyone know just how meaningless they really are.
The 1,004 Moves of a Fantasy Draft
Chris Jericho earned eternal stardom in wrestling fans' eyes during a 1998 promo he did on Dean Malenko.
It is widely considered one of the greatest promos of all time, along with the Austin 3:16 promo and the Roddy Piper coconut.
The legendary Malenko was known as the man of 1,000 holds.
So Jericho, in all his comedic genius, came to the ring with a list of 1,004 moves.
He proceeded to read each and every one of them off.
The hilarity stemmed from the fact that nearly every other hold was the now infamous "armbar."
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_62-8LsVFE&feature=related--for those interested)
When the fantasy draft arrives, take the Jericho approach.
No matter how much research and dedication your opponents have put into their draft picks, tell them that they are, in the eternal words of Dr. Cox...
"Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong."
If they pick Peterson first, tell them Turner was the right option.
If they pick Turner, tell them they just passed on the greatest running back since Jesus.
No matter who people pick, they made the wrong decision.
Don't forget to explain why the guy you picked instead is going to be the next great sleeper.
Do this for every round.
For every pick.
For every person.
See that picture above?
That's Randy Orton delivering his patented RKO to Shawn Michaels.
Orton waits until the perfect moment to strike and finishes the fight in one go.
You never know when it's coming but you know it will come.
This is how to operate in a fantasy league. Never be obvious.
If there is a man you want to draft, tell everyone how overrated he is.
Don't overdo it, or someone will actually take him.
For extra fun, hype up someone you truly dislike and watch as some poor dolt swings at the fences for him.
This strategy is a top tier level heel move; amateurs need not apply. You need to have garnered serious hatred for this to work. People have to want you to fail.
Mr. Money in the Bank
CM Punk has twice now gained the WWE Title by cashing in his "Money in the Bank" briefcase when the opponent was downed and worn.
He has used these occasions to slowly transition into a fine heel, reminiscent of his Ring of Honor days.
This is one of the key essentials for making everyone in your league despise you while also strengthening your team.
Work someone over.
For days—hell, weeks at a time, offer ludicrous trades to anyone and everyone. Really drive home the point.
You won't get any takers until people start losing.
Your trades don't look tempting at 0-1 but the second someone goes 0-3 or 0-4 things change.
People get desperate.
This is when to strike!
Send ridiculous trades. The more absurd the better.
Most importantly, deprive them of options.
This step requires some means of research and intuition, so once again, part-time douchebags need not attempt.
This is for only for the real jackasses, like myself.
Check the waiver wire. If you see an 0-2 team with only 1 feasible quarterback, go to the waiver wire and sign QBs you don't even need. Stockpile them.
Then, when the time comes, and 0-2 turns to 0-3, send Sage Rosenfels and Kevin Smith for Steve Slaton and a rookie.
Hound the sucker. Call him. Text him. Make him really think he needs your guy. Give him no other option.
Pick on the wounded as much as possible.
Remember, desperation is the quintessential marketplace for growth. The greatest fortunes were made during the Great Depression when everything was cheap for the "haves."
Win At All Costs
Over the past three to four years, Adam Copeland, or more infamously known as Edge, has dominated the WWE Title scene.
He is, perhaps, the greatest heel of the 21st Century.
What makes him great is that he incorporates all the steps I've provided and combines them into an antagonistic masterpiece.
He ridicules anyone and everyone. He demeans you and your family. He is better than you, and you'll always hear him tell you just how much so.
He's always right, though he is smart enough to pretend you are until the right time to strike shows itself.
He always attacks at the most opportune moment. They don't call him the Ultimate Opportunist for no reason.
Finally, and most importantly, what makes him so great is the fact that he wins.
He flat out beats guys.
Generally, there isn't a fight that Edge can't win straight up, and when he can't, he'll cheat.
Win at any and all costs.
This is where extreme hatred lies; when opponents have to respect the men that they despise.
This is your ultimate strategy.
You have to win for your heel persona to really set in. Without winning you are left at step five, which leans more on the annoyingly humorous side over time.
Remember, no one likes when bad guys win. Well, except other bad guys.
People will try their hardest to beat you.
They will do whatever it takes to discredit you and place you beneath them.
What you ultimately want, your grand finale, your bad guy magnum opus, is to make the so called "good guys" to stoop to your level in efforts to defeat you.
That is when you have truly won!
So take my words of wisdom with you young pupils and go enhance fantasy leagues around the world with the sheer magnitude of your greatness!