Letting Characters from Hollywood Predict the NFC East

Prediction: fourth

As the star of one of the timeless epics of our generation, Elle Woods provides a template that all young women can confidently follow in the Legally Blonde sagas.

She is a classic overachiever in the purest sense of the word, but she is also defined by the glamour that permeates throughout her being.

How does this explain the Redskins in ’09?

The Redskins have a roster composed of talented players, but success eludes them because they are guided by a front office that places a premium on glamour first and reason second.

Albert Haynesworth is the most talented defensive lineman in the NFL, but as talented as he is, he is even more mercurial. His tendency towards nagging injuries and playing lazily for stretches should have been a cautionary tale, yet the Redskins unloaded the cash for him.

Jason Campbell is an extremely capable option at QB, but instability has loomed around him just as it did at Auburn. He’s had three different offensive systems to contend with in his short career, and most recently he narrowly avoided being supplanted by Mark Sanchez through a draft day trade.

Washington did him no favors in last year’s draft, as they bowed down to sex appeal and selected two receivers (Devin Thomas and Malcolm Kelly) who were destined to make minimal impact when some better options were on the board (DeSean Jackson, Curtis Lofton, Quentin Groves, Matt Forte).

Yet they succeed in spite of themselves. The Redskins have a strong composition of players, but the organizational emphasis on headlines has them destined to lag behind in the NFC East.

Prediction: third

On the surface, Cordell Walker should be a juggernaut to contend with because of one reason: He is portrayed by the incomparable Chuck Norris.

But if Plato’s Allegory of the Cave has taught us anything, then we know that Cordell Walker isn’t actually Chuck Norris; rather, he is a shadow or a watered-down Chuck Norris, if you will, and therefore not as Norrisian as the actual Chuck Norris.

In bargain shopper terms, Cordell Walker is Mountain Lightning to Norris’s Mountain Dew.

How does this explain the Cowboys in ’09?

Similar to Cordell Walker, the Cowboys are a watered-down version of the championship teams of the ‘90s. The swagger appears to be there, but look at all the crucial spots.

Jason Garrett is just a poor man’s Norv Turner. Wade Phillips is a destitute man’s Jimmy Johnson. Tony Romo is an Us Weekly man’s Troy Aikman. Roy Williams is an unmotivated Michael Irvin, and Marion Barber is a less durable Emmitt Smith.

The thing is, they could still be really, really good. The biggest variable is how much backbone Phillips will show off on the sidelines.

In '08, it was lacking, as evidenced in the coaching staff’s inability to sell discipline. Subsequently, massive penalty totals were incurred.

But there was no greater indicator of Phillips' weak grip than the team's conforming to TO’s offensive demands for the ball. Terrell Owens’ absence should alleviate some of that strain, but the lack of coaching control should still be alarming.

If Garrett can cultivate offensive balance, then Dallas could be difficult to contend with. The issues will be defensive consistency and an unproven secondary.

Time will tell if the traditional unraveling of the Cowboys’ season should be attributed to T.O. or if it is organizational in nature.

Prediction: second

Like there was anyone else? But this comparison is more for my generation’s Rocky movie, 2006’s Rocky Balboa.

Though the movie itself couldn’t hold a candle to the initial Rocky movies, it provides a clean ending to the chronicling of Rocky Balboa's life and boxing career.

Rocky laces up the gloves and steps into the ring, one last time, to battle it out with the next big thing, Mason Dixon. Though he fights valiantly, he comes up just short as Dixon wins in a split decision.

Why does Dixon win? Because Rocky is old, that’s why.

In his prime, Rocky was a shirtless assassin capable of exacting brutal punishment while brokering Cold War peace. But in the most recent cinematic installment, the joints are creaky and his bones are brittle.

How does this relate to the Eagles in '09?

In recent years, the Eagles have seemed to be a franchise on the decline with Donovan McNabb descending towards mediocrity and veteran players fleeing for free agent dollars.

But the ’08 season saw something of a renaissance as the Eagles came up just a few moments short of a Super Bowl berth. This, combined with an outstanding draft, has generated an understandable buzz about the 2009 season.

But the expectations are unrealistic.

While the Eagles did retool their offensive line and addressed offensive skill position depth, their defense has taken a couple of uppercuts to the chin.

Defensive mastermind Jim Johnson is battling a serious form of skin cancer, and the defensive face of the franchise, Brian Dawkins, migrated west through free agency.

On the surface, these developments wouldn't appear to be cataclysmic.

But they are representative of a bigger dynamic.

Players and coaches come and go. On paper, roster holes can seemingly be plugged—but the locker room dynamic is a curious thing.

Dawkins’ departure is a crippling subtraction to the Eagles’ defensive foundation. He can be replaced, but the immeasurable aspects of his contributions cannot be.

Just as Rocky pressed on in the ring, so too will the Eagles continue to contend for NFC preeminence. But the foundational cracks are readily apparent, and they will keep the Eagles from their ultimate goal.

Make no mistake; the Eagles will be very good. But they won’t be heavyweight title good.

Prediction: first

John McClane is an icon of American cinematic heroism. He is the everyman’s Batman in that the foundation of his strength is his unrelenting determination and self-reliance.

He is not faster than a speeding bullet, nor is he a brute of man. His success is primarily the result of resourcefulness and a scrappy refusal to give up.

How does this explain the Giants in '09?

There is very little sex appeal about the Giants coming into '09. Plaxico Burress fell out of favor, and the Giants have yet to fill his large shoes with a bona fide receiving option like Anquan Boldin or Braylon Edwards.

It isn’t a stretch to say that Eli Manning doesn’t inspire extreme confidence in the hearts of men.

But the Giants have never been about the big play or star power. While their offense did lose Derrick Ward to Tampa Bay, many insiders are excited about the emergence of Danny Ware as the latest installment in the Giants’ three-pronged rushing attack.

Since their '07 championship run, they’ve become largely defined by a grinding consistency built around a hellacious pass rush. Steve Spagnuolo’s departure to St. Louis may be a small blip, but personnel moves on the coaching staff and depth chart should quell any worries.

Injuries contributed to a lackluster campaign in ’08, but the additions of Chris Canty and Rocky Bernard promise a pass rush return to '07 levels.

Perhaps Hakeem Nicks can approach the level of production manufactured by Burress, but more than likely he will need a year or two of seasoning before he can be counted on as a major force in the passing game.

The key to the offense will hinge on their blue-collar group of receivers and their ability to keep opposing defenses honest. While the Giants are deep in the backfield, it won’t matter if 10 defenders take up a permanent residence inside the box.

Just as John McClane was only a cop, the Giants are a team without any sexy offensive pieces. But both maximize their abilities and efficiently extract achievement on a regular basis.

Statistically speaking, the Giants' '09 season will, most likely, be markedly unremarkable. Record-wise? It should be another remarkable run through the postseason.