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NBA Insider: Chris Wallace Helping Odom to Heat

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NBA Insider: Chris Wallace Helping Odom to Heat
(Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Odom To Miami? Chris Wallace Says “Sure!”

If there’s a real life equivalent to Chris Wallace, then I’d love to keep him around at all times. Not only did Wallace facilitate the Lakers’ acquisition of Pau Gasol from Memphis for about twelve cents on the dollar, he’s now just helping teams make trades at his own discretion. Wallace is the incumbent general manager of the Memphis Grizzlies, and widely regarded as the biggest idiot of them all. Yes, he’s worse than Mike Dunleavy or Isiah Thomas at this point.

Let’s run down his accomplishments so far this year: he drafted Hasheem Thabeet second overall from Connecticut. Jay Bilas said, “this guy has to work on his offensive game.” Not just his jump shot, or his post-up game. He has to work on EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that involved putting the ball in his own basket, which I hear is a pretty integral part of the game. Even Thabeet said that he has a lot to learn. He admitted it for goodness sakes. I’m all for transparency, but it’s not like you’re learning to drive a car. You’re a professional basketball player! I could go on for hours about this, especially with proven commodities on the board during the NBA draft. But big guys over 7-feet tall (*big breath, inserting sarcasm*) almost always work out, right? Right??

In another dumbfounding move, Wallace helped Dallas and Toronto move Shawn Marion…when he had absolutely nothing to gain. Seriously. He’s going to have to buy out Jerry Stackhouse’s $8 million salary and he gets Quincy Douby in return while Dallas gets Marion and Toronto seals the deal with Hedo, giving Orlando a mid-level exception to go after another player. If you haven’t heard of Douby, don’t worry, neither have I. Again, Toronto and Dallas were struggling to make the deal work, and needed a third team to facilitate the trade. The team that made sense? Orlando, since they already held the rights to Hedo Turkoglu. Leave it to Chris Wallace to crash the party with nothing to gain except making the Dallas Mavericks a better team. He’s like the guy that nobody invited to the party, but he shows up with an inexplicable amount of booze and easy biddies for everyone else to hook up, and all he gets in return is the girl who’s vomiting in the toilet. Someone should’ve probably dropped a memo on Wallace’s desk entitled, “Just so you know, we’re in the same division as Dallas…”

Anyways, the point of the story is this: if you need to complete a trade in the NBA, then all you have to do is text Chris Wallace. And if you’re Utah and Miami, then you’re loving the mere fact he holds some weight in NBA trade discussions. The latest rumor on Odom is that he is making an unfathomable return to Miami, along with Carlos Boozer from Utah, to flank Dwyane Wade. I wrote yesterday that Miami needs to give Wade reasons to stay in Miami, and money isn’t going to cut it for the soon-to-be free-agent.

Odom averaged a modest 12-8 through the regular season and playoffs, and just had a 3-year, $27 million deal yanked from Jerry Buss’s trade desk this week. A long-term deal is what the 29 year-old Odom wants, and Miami is in a position to give it to him with just Wade’s player option on their salary cap for the 2010-11 season. Both Boozer and Odom would make Miami an instant contender in the Eastern Conference, even with Cleveland, Orlando and Boston bolstering their lineups.

How exactly does Wallace fit in to the picture this time? Well he doesn’t really, but he’s volunteered his time and money, and team, to facilitate a deal that makes his team even worse. Utah would ship Boozer to Miami for Haslem, while Miami would ship Dorell Wright to Memphis along with cash and some picks from both teams. Boozer has long been the player I’ve pegged to be Wade’s big-man, but Odom would make the Heat a real contender, and give them an option should Beasley need more time to develop (which he does).

Miami has a $34 million, 5-year deal on the table for Odom and could pay the triumvirate of Wade-Boozer-Odom all the money they want if it means they’re going to be contenders for the Eastern Conference Championship. Again, and I can’t say this any louder due to font restraints – THE MIAMI HEAT ARE +4000 TO WIN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE. That’s the best value on the board given the rumors circling Miami right now. Are you going to bet against Wade-Odom-Boozer? Not with those odds you aren’t.

Odom’s best statistical year was when he posted 17-9 in Miami during his lone year there after leaving the Clippers. A return to South Beach would make all his dreams come true – a starting role, a virtual paradise to live in, a long-term deal and millions of dollars. It would also make him a key cog in a championship team that has one of the most exciting young superstars in the league.

Utah would lose the contract attached to Boozer that would cost them Paul Milsap, who has signed a tender with Portland, while also acquiring a glue guy like Udonis Haslem. Memphis, on the other hand, would get Dorell Wright. The top priority is to make your team better, or put it in a better financial position. Chris Wallace was probably asleep during that part of General Manager School. That, or he attended the Isiah Thomas School of Destroying NBA Franchises.

As for the real life equivalent of Chris Wallace, he’s essentially the kind of fat, ugly guy you hang out with that has given up on his life at the tender age of 27 and will do just about anything for money. He’s shacked up with a hapless girlfriend that he hates, and will essentially do anything to bring smiles to other people’s faces. He’ll eat a cheeseburger that’s been stuck behind the radiator for three months for $5. More importantly, he’ll wingman for you and take down that fat chick that’s flanking a hot chick you want to hit on at the bar. You need a third-party wingman to snag the hottie of your drunken, wet dreams? Then Chris Wallace is that guy! Not only will Wallace take down the heavy to help you score with the prize pick, he’ll pick up syphilis en route, and buy all the shots necessary to help seal the deal. I know exactly who my “Chris Wallace” is. Who’s yours?

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