The Dog Ate My Drug Test: The 12 Dumbest Athlete Excuses Ever

French tennis player Richard Gasquet was cleared to resume playing today after a two-and-a-half-month ban for testing positive for cocaine.

His excuse? He accidentally ingested some while kissing a woman he just met at a nightclub.

Whether true or not, that's just a hilarious excuse. But how does it compare to The Stupidest Athlete Excuses Ever Given?

Derrick Rose cuts himself eating an apple in bed

Typical rookie mistake. Rose was sitting in bed, eating an apple that he was cutting up with a knife, then cut himself in the arm when he rolled over the knife.

It happens to the best of them. Oh wait, that's right—that's never happened to anyone.

So much for an apple a day keeping the doctor away.

Idiot Scale: 8/10

Jeff Kent breaks his wrist washing his truck

I have racked my brain, and I am yet to figure out a scenario where you could actually break your wrist while washing a truck.

It's hard enough to imagine spraining it, but breaking it? What kind of acrobatic car-washing techniques was Kent using? Was he scrubbing extra hard?

It's not like there are machines or cheerleader fundraisers that can do that sort of thing for you.

Idiot scale: 9/10

Monta Ellis blames mo-ped injury on basketball

After signing a six-year, $66 million contract extension, Ellis went out a month later and injured his ankle in a mo-ped accident.

Only thing is, riding a mo-ped is prohibited in his contract, so he thought he would be clever and say that he sustained the injuries playing basketball.

Suspicions arose when those injuries included scrapes and cuts. Not exactly the kind of thing you come across on a hard foul or a fall.

"Okay, so I was playing basketball and a...uh...a porcupine, yeah, a porcupine ran onto the court, and I tripped over it, hurt my ankle, and cut myself all up. Yeah, that's what happened."

Idiot Scale: 7/10

Marion Jones took steroids because she didn't love herself enough

Some women, when they don't love themselves enough, will go eat a pint of ice cream. Marion Jones took steroids.

It wasn't because she wanted to win and didn't have enough of a conscience to do it naturally. It was obviously because she didn't love herself enough.

Way to be a role model, Marion.

"Mr. Smith, I admit that I copied my entire report from Wikipedia. I just didn't love myself enough when I did it."

Idiot Scale: 5/10

Ken Griffey Jr. pinches his testicle in his cup

Ken Griffey Jr. is no stranger to injuries. Basically from the time he set foot in Cincinnati he was plagued by the injury bug.

But no injury was funnier than the time he missed a game because he pinched his testicle in his protective cup.

You have to love the irony of that which is designed to protect that area temporarily declaring war on it.

Idiot Scale: 3/10

Dieter Baumann's spiked toothpaste

Long distance runner Dieter Baumann tested positive for steroids in 1999, but it wasn't his fault.

No, someone must have spiked his toothpaste.

How on earth did he figure that one out? Did his toothpaste taste suspicious? Was he curiously stronger after brushing his teeth? Did his toothbrush take silver in the shot put?

Idiot Scale: 8/10

Joel Zumaya's Guitar Hero injury

During the 2006 ALCS, Joel Zumaya had to miss three games because of an injury sustained while playing Guitar Hero.

He did this during the playoffs! If that wasn't embarrassing enough, he hurt himself on beginner too.

The next year, Zumaya was put on the 60-day DL when a box fell on his shoulder as he was helping his father move.

Is it just me, or should this guy just stay in a protective bubble between appearances?

Idiot Scale: 7/10

Tyler Hamilton and his twin?

When pressed to explain how someone else's blood ended up in his system, cyclist Tyler Hamilton explained that he had a twin who died in his mother's womb.

There was no explanation why this had never happened before. And it was just a coincidence that his twin had been shooting steroids in the womb too.

Idiot Scale: 6/10

Sammy Sosa hurts his back sneezing

Sammy Sosa had to miss a game because he sneezed so hard that it apparently triggered back spasms.

I guess the whole "Bez-ball been berry berry good to me" speech wasn't because of his broken English, but because he had a stuffy nose and was trying not to sneeze.

Idiot Scale: 5/10

Pete Rose's oppositional defiant disorder

Pete Rose adamantly said for years that he never bet on baseball. He swore. He was insulted that no one believed him.

Then he admitted it. But, he said, it was because he had oppositional defiant disorder, which made him want to defy authority.

Although this disorder typically only affects children and teens, somehow it was able to make a grown man gamble.

I think we should believe him. We have no reason not to. Pete Rose is an honest guy.

Idiot Scale: 7/10

Moises Alou hurts knee running over his son on a bike

When playing with the Astros, Alou missed most of the 1999 season when he fell off his treadmill during spring training.

However, the real icing on the cake came when he added even more time to his DL stint when he reportedly ran over his child while riding bikes and re-injured his knee.

Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only did you just put yourself out of work for a longer period of time, but you also ran over your freaking kid on a bike!

Thankfully, Alou had his son urinate on the injury, and he was fine.

Idiot Scale: 4/10

Ross Rebagliati's secondhand smoke story

Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati actually had his gold medal stripped after testing positive for marijuana.

It was later returned to him because technically pot wasn't a banned substance at the time, and Rebagliati swore that he only got it from secondhand smoke at a party the night before.

Right—because if there's one thing we know about snowboarders, they don't do drugs.

It was a little suspicious when Rebagliati ended his statement with, "Is anybody hungry? Like, really hungry? I'm starving. I could eat like an entire pizza by myself right now. Can anybody give me a ride? Because I have like no idea where my keys are."

Idiot Scale: 5/10