2014 NFL Doppelgangers

Dan Carson@@DrCarson73Trending Lead WriterSeptember 3, 2014

2014 NFL Doppelgangers

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    You know the drill.

    Football season is here, and it's time to become the best/worst versions of ourselves every Sunday afternoon. Coffee tables will be sundered, stars will be born and the Dallas Cowboys will be good and then awful. It's a tale as old as time, a song as old as rhyme. There will be beauties and beast modes.

    In the name of biding time until Thursday night's kickoff and staving off insanity, I've applied myself to the frivolous work of matching NFL players with their celebrity lookalikes.

    Let's hit it.

Matt Forte, Common

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    Drunk Guy: "Commmoonnn!"

    Matt Forte: [Sighs, poses for picture.]

    This scenario plays out at least twice a night whenever Bears running back Matt Forte goes out in Chicago. Guaranteed.

Mike McCarthy, Ram Man

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    Ram Man! Ah ah! Fighter of the He-Man. Ah ah!

    Champion of the...ham?

    I don't remember much about Ram Man from the He-Man series, but I know Green Bay Packers head coach Mike McCarthy could use an iron shell to crawl into when Aaron Rodgers goes down and Matt Flynn takes over again in November.

Charles Tillman, Michael K. Williams

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    The last words you ever want to hear as a ball-carrier: "Peanut comin', yo!"

Vince Wilfork, Carl Winslow

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    AP / YouTube

    Much like Carl Winslow from Family Matters, New England Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork has a quick fuse and does not put up with foolishness

Nick Mangold, King Horik

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    AP / YouTube

    Conventional wisdom states that you should always be yourself or New York Jets center Nick Mangold—unless you can be King Horik from Vikings. In which case, you should always be King Horik from Vikings.

Drew Brees, Rutherford B. Hayes

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    A small cross section of Twitterers noted earlier this year that New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees bears a spooky resemblance to former U.S. president Rutherford B. Hayes, who was quite the dapper rapscallion before growing a massive and obligatory presidential beard.

Brian Cushing, Taylor Kitsch

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    Pictured Left: Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing.

    Pictured Right: Brian Cushing minus elk pheromones, plus Friday Night Lights role. 

Giovani Bernard, Phonte Coleman

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    I'm convinced Cincinnati Bengals running back Giovani Bernard is the little brother of former Little Brother frontman Phonte.

    Just trust me on this one, and look up Little Brother while you're at it. Great music.

Jeremy Maclin, Kid President

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    AP / YouTube

    Puberty is going to hit Kid President like a ton of bricks, and when it does, he will blossom into something resembling Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Jeremy Maclin.

Justin Tucker, Cole Hamels

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    Put Justin Tucker in, Coach. 

    The Baltimore Ravens kicker will close for the Orioles, drop that Terio and put on a full opera afterward. 

Matthew Stafford, Haley Joel Osment

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    He eats because he's Stafford. He's Stafford because he eats. It's a vicious cycle.

    Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford and his plump cheeks are never an unwelcome sight to these eyes of mine, and there's something about his ruddy face that harkens to a happier, less ghostly Haley Joel Osment.

Ryan Shazier, Jamal Duff

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    AP / YouTube

    "And I believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Sha'Zier."

    Pittsburgh Steelers rookie linebacker Ryan Shazier is in for an absolute beast of a season this fall. He is Globo Gym. He is better than you, and he knows it.