2014 NFL Doppelgangers
You know the drill.
Football season is here, and it's time to become the best/worst versions of ourselves every Sunday afternoon. Coffee tables will be sundered, stars will be born and the Dallas Cowboys will be good and then awful. It's a tale as old as time, a song as old as rhyme. There will be beauties and beast modes.
In the name of biding time until Thursday night's kickoff and staving off insanity, I've applied myself to the frivolous work of matching NFL players with their celebrity lookalikes.
Let's hit it.
Matt Forte, Common
Drunk Guy: "Commmoonnn!"
Matt Forte: [Sighs, poses for picture.]
This scenario plays out at least twice a night whenever Bears running back Matt Forte goes out in Chicago. Guaranteed.
Mike McCarthy, Ram Man
Charles Tillman, Michael K. Williams
The last words you ever want to hear as a ball-carrier: "Peanut comin', yo!"
Vince Wilfork, Carl Winslow
Much like Carl Winslow from Family Matters, New England Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork has a quick fuse and does not put up with foolishness.
Nick Mangold, King Horik
Conventional wisdom states that you should always be yourself or New York Jets center Nick Mangold—unless you can be King Horik from Vikings. In which case, you should always be King Horik from Vikings.
Drew Brees, Rutherford B. Hayes
Brian Cushing, Taylor Kitsch
Pictured Left: Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing.
Pictured Right: Brian Cushing minus elk pheromones, plus Friday Night Lights role.
Giovani Bernard, Phonte Coleman
I'm convinced Cincinnati Bengals running back Giovani Bernard is the little brother of former Little Brother frontman Phonte.
Just trust me on this one, and look up Little Brother while you're at it. Great music.
Jeremy Maclin, Kid President
Puberty is going to hit Kid President like a ton of bricks, and when it does, he will blossom into something resembling Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Jeremy Maclin.
Justin Tucker, Cole Hamels
Put Justin Tucker in, Coach.
The Baltimore Ravens kicker will close for the Orioles, drop that Terio and put on a full opera afterward.
Matthew Stafford, Haley Joel Osment
He eats because he's Stafford. He's Stafford because he eats. It's a vicious cycle.
Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford and his plump cheeks are never an unwelcome sight to these eyes of mine, and there's something about his ruddy face that harkens to a happier, less ghostly Haley Joel Osment.
Ryan Shazier, Jamal Duff
"And I believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Sha'Zier."
Pittsburgh Steelers rookie linebacker Ryan Shazier is in for an absolute beast of a season this fall. He is Globo Gym. He is better than you, and he knows it.