The Best Things about B/R in my First (and last) Two Months (Satire...or Not?)
Before you stop and say to yourselves, "I know that dude from somewhere, but I don't drink red wine or like Phish (love the food and the ice cream though).
Where do I know him from?
This is a guy named Zander Freund (I think that's his last name). He's like the first inmate to rape you when you get thrown into the prison for marijuana charges.
Except that the cell you share is the Internet.
And his way of "raping you" (that is to say, getting you accustomed to this site) is by adding you as a fan as soon as you get into the forum.
Think about it if you're a writer. Unless you're experienced in writing, you're probably scared crapless.
Then, all of a sudden, you have a "friend." Aww, isn't that cute? (Actually, it's a way of getting you to feel loyal to someone who doesn't give a flying bleep about you, but we'll get to that later.)
This, in my mind, I imagine, is the same way a young kid who hits the penal system feels when he comes someone's bitch. You know that at least one person's in your corner.
He is NOT one of the best things about B/R. But for some reason, he is my friend twice on B/R.
Damn, I guess I'm just that bleeping good (but not good enough for cbssports apparently).
And if any editor comes along and capitalize this and any mention of cbs from here on out will be hunted down like Stephen Baldwin's nephew David in Arizona.
Quick, what movie was that? Gotta keep you on your toes...
But anyway, these are the BEST things about B/R. If I'm not banned from the site first, I'll write a version of the WORST in the next few days.
It's time to get busy.
Dark Lord helped me get my fan swag back
(I'm not trying to talk trash to Denver fans (although I'd have plenty of material from this offseason), this is Dark Lord's profile picture.)
One quick note for anyone who wants to make fun of Denver fans: Never let them forget that their greatest player looks like a horse and he went to the Broncos.
Then remember that if he hadn't been such a little crybaby, he would have been with the freaking Colts, for God's sake.
You can't make this crap up man.
Anyway, I wrote a story about irrational fans (no freaking hyperlinks for lazy readers. Fetch it yourselves.)
Dark Lord amazed me with his response about the Raider Nation.
And then I recalled a time when I felt exactly the same way he felt.
Got a story for you. It's the first game of the 2001 season, the year Florida won the Orange Bowl over Maryland.
The opening game was against Marshall, and I think ESPN picked it up b/c we were playing Marshall and Byron Leftwich was a nice prospect.
Anyway, it was later, I think like 6 p.m. I don't know if you're familiar with the average Gator fan (at least the ones who I choose to associate with on a regular basis), we get loud, we get crazy, we're pretty arrogant, but most of us don't try to be stupid.
Well, I'd been drinking beer for about seven hours and was feeling pretty good about the season. My buddies and I lived a couple blocks from the Swamp at the time (perfect location, back in the student ghetto so you could pretty much do as you pleased) and this poor guy and his wife are walking down the street in front of us.
I proceeded to heckle him and Gator chomp him relatively kindly for the next block or so. Then I noticed he had on an FSU hat.
It really ramped up. Man did I lay into this guy. My friends were dying and he just slinked off. It was GREAT.
Anyway, that's how I used to be, until I really became a serious, award-winning (look up Florida Press Association Dan Shanks and watch me shine haters!) journalist.
It just changes you. I can't explain it. All of a sudden, outside of game days, you're always looking for the angle.
James Earl Jones aka Dark Lord told me in his Darth Raider voice that I should cut loose. And he's 100 percent correct. Thank you brother. I owe you a beer the next time I'm in Oakland (which is never, BTW).
I have a bad experience with Oakland, Fla., and that ain't nothing compared to Oakland.
SIDE NOTE:(Refresh my memory folks. Name me some good rappers/MCs from Oakland. All I'm pulling right now is Rappin 4Tay. Was Too $hort from Oakland also?)
One day, you will reveal yourself to me, Dark Lord (How sweet would it be if he was Darth Raider).
Yvette (Nothing More to Say)
This is essentially an open letter to Yvette.
If yall feel like I do, make some noise! (loud cheering from the fellas.)
Na, na, na, let me clear my throat!
Have mercy babe (hah!), I hope you don't mind,
Let me clear my throat!
The DJ at my wedding played that song and I lost my mind. Like Pac said, it's all about the old school.
I'm getting off topic (AGAIN, what a surprise huh?)...
Yvette, you are awesome. I hope we can continue to talk outside of B/R. Best case scenario in my mind as far as you're concerned is this:
My brother is moving to L.A. with dreams of becoming a fiction writer. He meets up with Master Y, the precocious, young, ambitious editor and sparks fly.
Then you and my lil bro Patrick get married, and we can spend the holidays arguing about why the Lakers are a travesty and why the Packers will never be as good as the 49ers just because of Green Bay.
You can take off at least one Super Bowl ring right there, based on location alone. The mascot should count as one-half a ring off.
Side note for Master Y: There is an old audio clip of Jim Rome and Bill Plaschke on a tour stop (Rome's lingo for making an appearance in the city of one of his affiliates), and Plaschke is screaming at the top of his lungs about why Green Bay fans can sit through games in frigid weather:
(And he's screaming this!) It's because you can sit in a cardboard box on a frozen lake and fish for sturgeon with a spear!
Almost pissed my pants. You already know my thoughts about Romey though.
Anyway, I really admire you. You caught my attention right off the bat, and honestly, how could you not?
You're smart, capable, knowledgeable regarding B/R and AP style, and you're a passionate sports fan.
Oh yeah, you're easy on the eyes too.
If I ever make it big, would you be my personal editor?
Peace and love,
*If you're wondering why I want for the cheap Stallone pic, it's because I didn't have a photo of Dirty Harry.
You see, Rocky thought me an important less on B/R. Here is the master of writing stuff that's funny about B/R (and other shit) because it's true.
For example, he wrote a comprehensive, funny analysis that while it made me laugh, showed me some of the absurdity of this site.
(BTW, Rocky, if you're reading this right now, you might want to re-release the work I'm talking about, like the anniversary edition of, well, "Rocky" maybe)
One piece of advice he gave was guys should never use their real photo.
Like I said, wanted to use Dirty Harry, no such luck.
Rocky, you're the funniest bastard I know on here. Props to Glenn Card for ranking the humor writers, but the Rock's got be No. 1 in this humble man's opinion.
Opinions, of course, are like...well you know.
Everyone's got them, and they're usually full of crap.
*Blaine, I apologize in advance for using the P word, but I have to for comedic effect. I hope you understand.
Blaine Spence is the most effective pimp (sorry man) on this site.
I don't mean in terms of hoes or paper stack (although I'm sure he COULD get both if he wanted to, but he seems like a family man. Well done good sir).
I mean in terms of promoting one's articles on B/R.
I sent Blaine my irrational fan and Florida's non-conference schedule being the biggest joke in D-I football stories one night.
The next morning I had about 100 e-mails. They are now the most popular pieces I've ever done.
Thank you sir.
Side note for Blaine (Ask Tyler about an episode of Chappelle's Show in which Wayne Brady is acting like Denzel Washington in Training Day.
There's one line when Brady and Chappelle are driving around.
Dave needs money, Wayne tells him, "I got some money."
He pulls up to a street corner and honks the horn (the song was La Cucaracha. Hilarious!).
All the ladies of the night walk toward the truck. He gets all his cash and then the last girl gives him a single $100 bill.
"Oh, what's this? Mr. Franklin's lonely!"
"Sorry daddy," the girl replied.
"Sorry?" the irate pimp (this is Wayne Brady, remember) fired back with one of the greatest lines in television history:
"Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a b****?"
I fell on the floor laughing. I watched behind the scenes on that episode later, and Dave said WB didn't wanna say the B-word. He wanted to say something like, "Am I gonna have to slap a ho?"
The point is, the b-word is way more funny, as is the P-word. Thanks for everything man.
Up Next: The Bad Side of B/R (this may take awhile...)
(Look very carefully at the logo on the camera and understand that big brother is watching...)