Building the Ultimate Sports Fan

You really don't picture the Ultimate Sports Fan as having a lovely head of locks, do you? Usually the head is covered by the likes of a hat, block of cheese, Helga Horns—You know, all the basics.

Can the fan have a small head? ABSOLUTELY NOT! We need to have a good sized head here, folks.

Let’s go back to the hair thing. If you have more than 50% of your hair, you’re automatically disqualified. Nothing says sports like male pattern baldness!

Of course, facial hair is appreciated, but not a must.

Some guys can pull off some beard hair...some can't. I mean, you don't want to look like a dork with your face paint on, do you?

This is a big part to our creation. It has to have a nice set of eye balls. How can it not?

These eyes have to be close to the Hubble Space Telescope.

They have to not only follow the action, but be able to follow the cheerleaders on the other side of the field. This is where the lazy eye comes into play.

It's like Picture-in-Picture, really.

Out of the stadium, the fan needs to be able to decipher the action on the smallest televisions known to man.

If he's any type of a sports fan, he's either divorced or is reduced to watching the game in the confines of his "man cave" (usually the garage) or the small television in the kitchen.

The next important feature on the upper region of the body is none other than the nose.

Sure, a sports fan doesn't need a nose to enjoy the game but gosh darn it, they need it for the food!

This nose has to successfully tell the difference between bratwurst, Italian sausage, polish sausage, and Wiener schnitzel in less than 2.8 seconds.

Anything less will be completely unacceptable.

So the nose has to have a K9-like sense of smell but the fan needs to be able to shut this nose down immediately.

When nature calls, the sports fan has to retreat to bathrooms that even the most hardened explorers would think twice about stepping into.

The nose has to be able to block out these smells while taking care of business.

Some would say that having a big mouth is a bad thing. I respectfully disagree. The bigger the mouth, the better!

Why you ask? Simple. A large mouth allows for more simultaneous eating!

A massive amount of grilled food is the fuel for this monster. The fan should be able to consume a brat, soda, and peanuts all at one time while washing it down with a swig of beer.

The more eating at one time, the less game the fan will miss.

After the eating, we'll need a good sized set of lips and lungs for taunting, screaming, whistling, and the occasional cat-call that will surely illicit "The Look."

This is the epitome of the fan's body. This is where it all begins...err...and ends.

You cannot have a gut that does not protrude over your belt line.

It's pretty much in the Geneva Convention. How are you going to fit massive amounts of beer and food if you have a stomach that looks good on the beach? You can't.

Also, if you own a small stomach, it leaves less room for letter writing. If you're the letter "A", you damn well best be able to fit the entire letter on your stomach.

You also can't have a weak stomach. We all know most stadium food is made out of left over nuclear waste and doesn't settle well when mixed with grotesque amounts of beer, cheese, and cabbage.

Look, folks—These hands are important. How else can you carry three bottles of beer, two brats, a sack of peanuts, and a novelty foam finger?

We all know the basic rules of physics as well. If you got small, girl type hands, you're going to be feeling the affect of all of them high-fives in the morning.

And what good are sore hands? They're not.

When you're sitting down in the worn out recliner enjoying the big game, you want to keep moving to an absolute minimum.

By utilizing the long arms, you can simply REACH for the bowl of peanuts or reach down to the mini-fridge for brew number seven.

The arms don't have to be built like kegs, just long and nimble—big enough to open the stingiest of beers, yet gentile enough to give many high fives without injuring fellow fans.

Butts come in many shapes and sizes—big, bony, bubble, small, round, square, wide, and narrow. It's not one rump that the fan needs, it a proper combination of all of these that we need.

The butt needs to be big enough to allow one to sit for numerous hours at a time without experience acute numbness and fatigue.

It can't be too big, though. Some of the older stadiums have pretty small seats and if you're rear is bigger than the seat...well, you're going to have overlapping.

The bum needs to be such a shape that it fits the seat evenly. This is more of the slight square frame.

If it's completely round, you may have issues staying in the chair. Too square, and you will be hitting the sides of the butt on the arm rests while getting up and down.

You don’t want a bruised butt AND ego, do you?

The legs and feet are very important when attending a game live. They have to be strong enough to quickly propel you out of your seat in case of a home run, shot at the buzzer, breakaway, or long touchdown run.

They also have to have a finesse factor. We all know it's a major pain in the butt to do the isle shuffle.

You have to navigate through a mine field of peanut shells, food trays, cup holders, split beer, the occasional cup of cheese and feet.

My personal technique for the isle shuffle is simple: Wear steel-toe boots.

They're nimble enough to dodge the cheese cups and cup holders, durable enough to walk right over the peanut shells, and strong enough to hurt the feet of the yuppie morons who don't move their feet.

We're saving the best for last here, folks! We're bringing the monster alive!

The Ultimate Sports Fan needs to have the knowledge to immediately answer any sports question thrown his way.

He mus not only answer it, but answer is in such a way that you make the "asker" seem like the dumbest person in the world.

The brain must be able to tell the body if it's a good idea to eat brat number three along with beer number seven.

This is probably the most used function the brain has to compute. How can you enjoy a game when you're leaking gas at an alarming rate?

Better yet, how can the crowd by you enjoy the game when you're leaking gas at an alarming rate?

Well folks, that's our monster.

For the sake of humanity, let's keep this figuratively! I don't think the world is ready for such a creation. Now that I think about it, the average Green Bay Packer fan is close to our creation. Makes you think...