Sports Video Games We Wish Existed

Matt Haupert@@matthaupFeatured ColumnistAugust 12, 2014

Sports Video Games We Wish Existed

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    Ross D. Franklin/Associated Press

    The Madden franchise has been fun for a long time—but isn't it time for something new?

    If someone says "sports video game," you're probably going to imagine controlling players in the sport of your choice and playing out a game of baseball, basketball or football from the comfort of your couch. Maybe you'll design the player from scratch. Maybe you'll play out a whole season or 10.

    But isn't it all getting a little too predictable?

    Surely, there must be something possible beyond the painfully obvious decision to make sports games where one plays sports.

    Well, prepare to expand your mind in ways it has never experienced before.

    Today, I present a list of a few of my own sports video game proposals—and none of them involve playing sports.

    Today, we finally give the world of sports video games the imagination it deserves.

First Take: The Ultimate Smackdown

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    Available For: Nintendo 64

    Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless seem on the verge of fighting every time they go face-to-face in an exhilarating new episode of ESPN's First Take. Now, in First Take: The Ultimate Smackdown, those almost-fights will finally come to fruition.

    This 1v1 battle game allows you to play as either Skip or Stephen A. and battle the other to the death, using tried-and-true moves like "scream," "rant" and "provoke." In later levels, when playing as Skip, unlock additional legendary opponents like the Seahawks' Richard Sherman.

    Play a single battle or try career mode, where you can level up over time by winning battles and increasing your already lofty "Ignorance" and "Temper" ratings.

The Incredible Suh

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    Carlos Osorio/Associated Press

    Available For: Sega Genesis

    In this bone-crushing action game, available only on the Sega Genesis, play as a gigantic Ndamukong Suh and terrorize entire cities by crushing buildings with a single step. Smash heads onto the earth, kick tiny little groins with remarkable force and "accidentally" stomp on the arms of innocent passers-by.

    But watch out!

    Sneaky little commissioners roam around the city trying to catch you, so make sure you keep your eyes out. After all, they've got your one weakness: two-game suspensions.

Party Manziel

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    Mark Duncan/Associated Press

    Available For: XBOX 360

    In the most provocative video game since Grand Theft Auto first hit stores, Party Manziel gives you a chance to live out the adventure of an athlete-celebrity when he's not on the field. Sneak into frat parties unwanted, add celebrity buddies to your entourage and see what the strip in Vegas is all about.

    All the while, gain cash as fast as you possibly can—even if you have to get it the hard way.

    Pick which character you'd like to control on this wild ride: Johnny Manziel or Brian Hoyer.

    (Note: While playing as Hoyer, the frat party, celebrity entourage and Vegas features are unavailable.)

Sim Sports Town

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    Al Behrman/Associated Press

    Available For: PC and Mac

    Inspired by the success of the popular computer game Sim City, Sim Sports Town lets you take your sports passion to the next level.

    Take charge of an entire sports town. Develop franchises. Sign players. Build stadiums. Generate revenue. Boost the economy.

    And of course, win championships.

    Run every aspect of the sports town from the players on the team to the sponsorships at the stadium to the location of the ballpark to color of the merchandise.

    Choose your own level of difficulty for gameplay:

    On Easy, play with New York. On Difficult, pick a small city of your choice in South Dakota. On Impossible, play with Cleveland.


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    DAVID KARP/Associated Press

    Available For: Arcade

    Come on down to your local arcade and get in the long line to play our newest game! "Whack-a-Mole" has been removed, replaced by the popular "Whack-a-Rod," also pronounced "Whack A-Rod."

    Wait for A-Rod's big old head to pop up out of the ground, then whack it right back into the earth. Use an adorable little rubber sledgehammer to do exactly what everyone in America wants to do with the real A-Rod's detestable face.

    In a very deliberate move, the A-Rod heads have been programmed to stay put after popping up before retreating back into the ground, thus guaranteeing that even the least coordinated child will have a chance to drive a sledgehammer into the little replica of his face.

Hungry Hungry Suarez

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    Ricardo Mazalan/Associated Press

    Available For: Game Boy Color

    It's World Cup season, so you know what that means, right?

    Sharpen up those teeth!

    Now take out your old Game Boy, dust it off and get ready for the game of the century. Play as Luis Suarez and chase tasty players around the pitch, biting them whenever they get close. It's like tag, but if tag were more violent and the most violent kid was always "it."

    Bite enough players in the allotted time, and you can earn a coveted suspension that allows you to play bonus levels in cities filled with regular citizens. Bite as many as possible in the given time, and earn double the coins for your work!

Love Tweets with Joel Embiid

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    Mark J. Terrill/Associated Press

    Available For: iPhone

    It seems that Joel Embiid has it all—fame, money, talent, charisma, an entertaining Twitter account—yet many fail to realize that Embiid's rookie season has already been a major disappointment—and it has nothing to do with his injury.

    Lately, Embiid has been bitten by the love bug, and hasn't been able to scratch the itch, trying and failing to woo both Kim Kardashian and Rihanna.

    Now, you can help.

    In this social online dating game, select from any number of beautiful celebrities, get behind Embiid's Twitter handle and do your best to whisper sweet nothings to women whom Embiid has swung and missed at time and time again.

    Get a celebrity to actually accept a date and you could win a chance to come along for the ride.

Obama Ball

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    Susan Walsh/Associated Press

    Available For: XBOX 360

    President Barack Obama has skillz.

    You knew that. Everyone knew that. Now, you get to experience it.

    Though this one involves playing sport, which the intro specifically said wouldn't happen on this list, this game takes the game out of the gym and onto the streets. In Obama Ball, go one-on-one as the President against NBA stars like Carmelo Anthony and Paul George and celebrities like Kevin Hart and Justin Bieber.

    But in these games, all bets are off. Knock down your opponents. Get in brawls when you get upset. Foul hard. Trash talk early and often. And all the while build your street cred to help you unlock new opponents and new courts, and maybe even swing a few voters while you're at it.

    (Note: Due to a glitch in the game that may or may not have been intentionally designed, if you play against Bieber and lose, the system will shut down and never allow you to log in again.)

Mission: Rodman

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    Alexander F. Yuan/Associated Press

    Available For: Nintendo DS

    Take the year's hottest new secret agent game right along with you in your pocket with the major release for the DS, Mission: Rodman.

    Take on the role of eccentric former NBA star Dennis Rodman on a one-of-a-kind mission to North Korea. You have only a few days to save the world from the terrors of an evil dictator, so you have no time to waste in completing your given quests, such as singing Kim Jong Un happy birthday, playing a friendly game of basketball and attacking CNN reporters with weird drunken remarks.

    But that's not all: Make sure you complete your mission before ambassadors from the United States come over to find you and take you back to a country where you belong!

NFL Cheer 2014

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    Matt York/Associated Press

    Available For: PC or Mac

    Finally, a brand new computer game that's focused on the part of the NFL people really care about the most: cheerleaders.

    In this exciting new online game, design your own team of cheerleaders head to toe then earn points by battling against other cheer squads on the Internet. 

    But don't just jump up and down and wave pom-poms—these battles quickly become all-out war. Scratch, claw, bite, pull hair, kick, wrestle, taze, bomb, burn and whatever else you can manage with the weapons you were able to accumulate.

    In NFL Cheer 2014, it's "no more Ms. Nice Girl."

    Wanna place an order for one of these games? Let me know on Twitter.