Athletes Who Know the Thirst Is Real
Are we not going to talk about it?
Must we sit here and ignore the wolf at the door? Are we not going to recognize the epidemic evaporating the saliva from our very tongues?
Are we not going to talk about thirst?
I believe we must, for as much we like to treat it like the bogeyman, the thirst is very real, and one in two people will be afflicted with the scourge at some point in their lives.
Unlike normal dehydration, this brand of drought is brought on by the sight of an attractive human being. Thirst consumes its victims in seconds, leaving them to wither on a desert island of unrequited lust. It happens to most of us, but some cases are more dire than others.
Legions of humanity suffer from acute, Rihanna-related thirst. Some of these people are athletes.
These are the sports figures suffering from chronic thirst. You'll find them here in their natural habitats: the driest, most dehydrated situations on Earth.
Katherine Webb is to Darnell Dockett what Wilson was to Chuck Noland—nothing if not everything.
The Arizona Cardinals defensive end's drought began the moment he saw A.J. McCarron's then-girlfriend on television at the 2013 BCS title game. Dockett initiated a full-court Twitter press on Webb, inviting her out for a hot dog and a leisurely evening at the King of Diamonds.
Last reports indicate Dockett remains stranded and unquenchable.
Level of Thirst: Plane leaving McCarron International.
Rihanna called J.R. Smith "desert thirsty," but I prefer to think he's "shipwrecked kid with a tiger" famished.
Level of Thirst: Richard Parker.
You don't know thirst until you've dug holes at Camp Greenlake or tried to play tonsil hockey with a sideline reporter on live television.
Level of Thirst: Stanley Yelnats.
You could fill a POD with the number of offspring Ronda Rousey wants to have with Fedor Emelianenko. Rousey admitted her love for the retired Russian judoka in January and lamented his taken status as a married man.
If that doesn't say "I'd chew through my ulna just to smell your pillow covers," I don't know what does.
Level of Thirst: Ralston.
Joel Embiid didn't invent thirstiness. He's perfecting it.
No one burns through stages of advanced dehydration quicker than the 76ers rookie center. One minute he's on a Kim Kardashian bender, the next he's stranded in the Andis. Rihanna doesn't entertain Embiid as much as sustain his life through her very existence.
He is the world's most interesting rookie, and we should all write ABC today today demanding he headline the next season of The Bachelor. We need to see a lion-hunting group date.
Level of Thirst: Saharan.
Nick Young and Iggy Azalea are dating, so their affection doesn't qualify as thirst.
That doesn't change the fact that Swaggy P's Iggy-thirst is dry as the Bolivian salt flats.
Level of Thirst: High-heel marathon.
Mychal Kendricks is unique to this list insofar as he's the only one afflicted with counter-thirst.
His stay on a dry, Rihanna-built mesa occurred only after the singer posted a picture of him on her Instagram along with the hashtag "#MCM" ("Man Crush Mondays").
Rihanna initiated the drooling, and Kendricks, being a single, rational human being, responded by trying to get in touch with the singer. It didn't work, as the thirst remains too real, and in this case, a one-way street to voicemail.
Level of Thirst: Burning Man.
On Twitter, the ground zero of thirstiness.