Athletic Supporter Syndicate (we can no longer use our company abbreviation due to pending litigation in eight states) gladly announces the release of our latest product line.
The company that brought you collectible classics like "Stanley Roberts' Easy Buffet" and "Mark Madsen's Dance Party" now brings you an edgy set of sports collectibles that we're sure you'll enjoy.
We now proudly introduce the NFL Offseason Lineup. Available online and in stores now.
Captain Cedric Benson $7.99
(NFL Draft) bust a move on Lake Travis, or your kitchen sink, with Cedric the Open Container. Cedric hosts. Cedric drinks. Cedric sails the high seas. Cedric still can't average 4 yards per carry. Captain Cedric figurine features pepper-sprayed action. Although flicking some water at Captain Cedric's eyes will signal the end of his weekend fun, rest assured, Admiral, yours has just begun.
Cedric the Open Container comes complete with Captain's hat and both the Travis County Sheriff Dept. and the soon-to-be ex-Bear's conflicting account of what transpired during the arrest. Cedric-sized Zima also included. Just make sure to "lose it" before the cops board!
Cedric's Boat Party $11.99
Includes built-to-scale replica of the running back's 30-ft. boat, the Silver Bullet, 15 fun-loving passengers and Chicago Bears cooler...filled to the brim with premium ice-cold liquid fun.
Wait, there's more! Save $2 on Cedric's Boat Party when you purchase Captain Cedric on the same receipt!
Chris Henry the One Man Crime Waive $7.99
You'll love squandering your talent and building a formidable rap sheet as you habitually break traffic laws and generally wreak havoc on the Queen City. Now you can be the man once dubbed by Judge Bernie Bouchard as a "one man crime wave"—who was then subsequently waived by a team whose colors aptly feature orange.
The One Man Crime Waive comes complete with boundless potential, a concealed weapon (you'll need this if you visit Florida), a suspended Ohio driver's license and a Ziploc bag o' reefer.
Chris Henry's Electronic Ankle Bracelet Accessory $3.99
Posting the requisite bail of $51,000? Enjoy house arrest in the "513" with this electronic tracking device. Locks securely around the ankle and beeps loudly upon approaching the state line.
**EXCLUSIVE ONLINE SPECIAL** **EXCLUSIVE ONLINE SPECIAL**
When you purchase Chris Henry the One Man Crime Waive and Chris Henry's Electronic Ankle Bracelet accessory from our website, we'll give you Chris Henry's Soap-on-a-Rope absolutely free! Now #15 can skirt the conditions of his probation without some of the more unpleasant repercussions that accompany an extended stay in the clink.
Playmaker Marvin Harrison $7.99
If you've ever thought you'd like to see Marvin Harrison get mad—think again! Now you can chase your favorite fat felon through the streets of Philly while recovering from a bursa sac injury and offseason arthroscopic knee surgery.
Playmaker Marvin Harrison comes ready to paarrrr-tay Philly-style and features #88 in a stylish bartender apron, wielding a wooden baseball bat. Be the future Hall-of-Famer as he...can't...quite...catch...his...obese...quarry.
We've also included a booklet "My Bursa, My Friend" completely free of charge.
Turn Key Marv $13.99
Comes complete with a "bucket o' suds"—soap suds, that is—containing the Playmaker's custom-made Belgian weapon—it's not a waffle. Store your item in our built-to-scale replica of Chuckie's Car Wash, a Philly car care institution.
Purchase the whole Philly Athlete Entrepreneur's Set for only $17.99, a savings of nearly $4. We'll also throw in a couple of Tasty Cakes, Marvin's favorite snack.
Trespassin', Pass Droppin' Kenton Keith/Keith Kenton $7.99
You'll no longer be anonymous to the Indianapolis Metro Police Dept. as you stay out past 3:00 AM as Colts backup running back Kenton Keith, or Keith Kenton, as he is affectionately known in Circle City, um, circles. Instead of politely moving along at IMPD request, dance the night away outside of the late-night hotspot of your choice.
The rhythm is going to get you...in jail.
KK comes with "I'm a Colts player, I'm a Colts player" voice action. Just press his hands together behind his back to activate this exciting feature.
We've also included a copy of the IMPD police report, where IMPD officers incorrectly refer to KK as "Keith Kenton" and "Mr. Kenton."
The fun doesn't end here, however. Simply enter in your action figure's UPC on KK's phat website to join KK's Club (the KKC) for e-mail alerts as to where he'll be trying out after he's cut by the Colts.
If you purchase any five of the above Athletic Supporter Syndicate NFL Offseason Lineup products, send the UPC's to Athletic Supporter Syndicate (it'd be nice if we could use that abbreviation) and receive a limited edition Adam "Call Me Pacman after I Actually Do Something on the Field" Jones.
This item is not for sale and can only acquired by sending in those UPC's. So start buying and start sending so you can start acquiring.
Adam Jones comes with a variety of reinstatement letters and accompanying Roger Goodell laugh track.
Athletic Supporter Syndicate: If you don't like us you can kiss our A—thletic Supporter Syndicate.
That makes no sense without the abbreviation...
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5 months ago
GREG I THINK THE ARTICLE IS GENIUS. I LAUGHED THE WHOLE TIME READING IT. GREAT LAUGH OUT LOUD READING. IF I CAN LAUGH OUT LOUD IN MY BOOK THAT IS AWSOME WRITING.
TONYA G.
4 months ago
Hilarious.
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