Nicknaming the Denver Broncos
Since this has been such a wearisome offseason for Broncos fans—one that has begotten so many new faces—it's high time that, for the sake of fan suasion and relaxation, these new mugs be given nicknames.
Who knows? With training camp so close, maybe these can be printed and disseminated in pamphlet form to improve player-fan camaraderie.
Jabar Gaffney: The Emir
A word for ruler or chief in Islamic countries. May Jabar rule as Kyle Orton's third, nay, fourth option.
Ryan Harris: Hollywood
A couple of years ago, Harris appeared in an episode of the MTV series "True Life." Given the offensive line's penchant for silence, having a TV show to chronicle your battle with the recruiting process strikes me as something that only cornerbacks and wide receivers should do. I bet he catches Hell from his fellow lineman.
Correll Buckhalter: Kanye
Two surgical reconstructed knees, yet somehow he is better, faster, and stronger. He could also be named "Daft Punk" but somehow I think the reference to a French techno band would be lost on a most of the team. The danger in this nickname is that he begins to fulfill it mentally and starts whining like Kanye.
Rulon Davis: The Heir
I could have used Rulon's time in Iraq as inspiration, but that struck me as in poor taste. Instead, I chose to emphasize the fact he was named after Rulon Jones, a two-time Pro Bowler with the Broncos. With a little luck, he'll cash in on his heritage.
Chad Jackson: Goldilocks
To justify his hair, I need at least 30 catches and 4 touchdowns from him this season. That's being really lenient. I mean this is the type of hair I expect to see on a soccer player or an MMA fighter.
Tom Brandstater: Brady Lite
Both drafted in the sixth round. Same initials. A former Belichick assistant for a coach. Even though Jay Cutler was traded, it pays to be optimistic about the quarterback position. If McDaniels wants Bronco Nation worshiping him in the future, he'll get this kid winning Super Bowls and sleeping with super models.
Kyle Orton: Grizzly Adams
The beard is the source of all his power right? Grow it back. Seriously, he looks like he's coming out for jay-vee without any fuzz. I do like the kicker's chin strap however. It's old-school, Big Ten, denotes a little toughness. But it needs to be tucked inside some hair.
Ryan Clady: The Cornerstone
The foundation of what some day will hopefully be a great building. Already one of the best tackles in the league, it's criminal that he didn't win Offensive Rookie of the Year.
Since my Rod Smith jersey is starting to show its age, I've been pondering which player I should design to display. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he's our best player on the roster right now. Although I have high hopes for Brady Lite and Hollywood.
Josh McDaniels: Rummy
This one took some thought. Coach nicknames are tough as it is, but how do you capture the essence of someone who operates under such a cloud of mystery?
You can already tell that he's going to be like Belichick in how verbose he is with press (not a big fan of talking).
Then you have to consider how some of the offseason stuff went down: very subvert, very quiet, very clandestine right up to when it was exposed by the press and then it hit the fan.
So here's to you Coach Rummy. Be advised, this nickname is subject to change. The minute McDaniels starts winning I will personally christen him something awesome like Generalissimo or Capitane.