Hi, Billy Mays Here for Your Favorite MLB Team: A Pitch For Every Team*

New York Mets

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the New York Mets.  Are you not a Yankees fan?  Not a Red Sox fan?  Well, join us, the third team.  The other side of New York includes a star-studded line-up, and some great pitchers.  Johan Santana and David Wright come free with this deal.  Why say no?  Call now, and we'll send a free statue of a baseball going though Bill Buckner's legs!  Don't delay!"

Florida Marlins

"Be one of just a few!  Watch Baseball's best stars get really good, then leave!  Billy Mays here for Baseball's underdogs, the Marlins.  One of baseball's newer clubs, they have been very, very successful.  And, great players grew up here!  From Beckett to Burnett to Derek Lee, all your favorite MLBers started here!  Call now, we only have limited fanships available!  Don't delay!"

Washington Nationals

Billy refused to do them because "there's nothing to advertise."

Philadelphia Phillies

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Phillies.  Really, you should already be rooting for them, but otherwise I need to just say one thing:  World Series.  And if that didn't convince you; Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Rauuuuul Ibanez.  You're guaranteed a winner with this club!" 

Atlanta Braves

"Hi Billy Mays here with an important question:  Do you ever have problems with your pitching?  If so, come to us.  The Atlanta Braves have produced multiple great pitchers, and will continue to in the future.

Pittsburg Pirates

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Pirates.  Are you tired of having to pick up the shattered pieces of a World Series team and having to re-build?  Well, with the Pirates, you will never have to worry about that, as the Pirates come with a life-time re-building guarantee!  It was re-newed yet again with the trade of Nate McLouth!  Forget pieces, get Pirates!"

St. Louis Cardinals

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Cardinals.  How often does your team win the World Series?  Unless you root for the Yankees or the Cards, not enough.  St. Louis has won 9 championships, second most in MLB.  So, you get a consistent team.  But, that's not all!  Call in the next ten minutes, and I'll throw in a star first baseman.  I'm not done yet!  Call by July 15, and I'll throw in an All Star game!  Don't delay!"

Milwaukee Brewers

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Brew Crew.  Is your team getting old?  Well stop rooting for them, and come on over here to us, the Brewers.  We have a lifetime youth guarantee!  And, we're a great pick for Jews!  Come on in, sit right down.  Need a Beer?  That's what Milwaukee is all about!"

Chicago Cubs

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Cubs.  In 101 years, we have yet to win a World Series, but we're having a blast!  All of these failures sure are fun to watch!  But seriously, let's get to the point here.  The Cubs have one of the best line-ups on paper.  Not only that, but they come with a no World Series guarantee!  But now!"

Cincinnati Reds

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Cincinnati Reds.  The Big Red Machine; its back up and running.  The days of old are coming back to Cinci, except now, if you join, you'll get to watch it in a much nicer stadium!  Call now, and get ready!" 

Houston Astros

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Astros.  Does your baseball team have enough stars?  Well, we have enough to go around.  Carlos Lee, Roy Oswalt, and Miguel Tejada arm our team.  Do you want to watch stars play?  Then join us, and I'll throw in a pass to touch Hunter Pence!  Don't delay!"

LA Dodgers

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Dodgers.  Do you like Manny?  If no, you needn't finish reading this.  If yes, you'll love the Dodgers.  This crew provides one of the best out fields, and a great coach.  Your certified at catcher for ten, make it 15 years.  That’s right, 15 years!  Call now, and get your certification!"

San Francisco Giants

"Hi, Billy Mays here for my new product, OxiClean Stain Removal.  Watch this...drip some on your baseball team, and all of a sudden its winning!  Magic!  The secret is; getting rid of Barry Bonds molecules.  Lets watch again...in real time.  Okay, I spill the wine, pour in OxiClean, push, and dry.  Good as New!  Call now to get your own!"

Colorado Rockies

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Rockies.  Do you like excitement?  Then call the number on the bottom of your screen to become a Rockies fan.  The jack-of-all-trades team will keep you wondering time and time again.  So, if you need some excitement in your life, call now!"

Arizona D-Backs

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the D-Backs.  Today, I want to talk to you about the importance of youth.  Not only can bad youth change and become good, but it can be talented.  If you want youth, call the number at the bottom of your screen.  From Drew to Upton to Snyder, Arizona has all the youth you'll ever need!"

San Diego

"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Padres.  Do you like to see two players holding a team together?  Than call the number at the bottom of your screen.  For calling today, you'll get an Adrian Gonzalez shirt, a Jake Peavy hat, and a Kevin Kouzmanoff jacket.  Isn't Kouzmanoff a cool name?  If you want cool names, call now!

That's all!  Thanks for reading.

*Disclaimer: Billy Mays did not actually endorse or write any of these things.  Actually, he couldn’t because he's dead (R.I.P.). So, if you don't like it, blame me. If you choose to read it aloud, burst vocal chords and eardrums are not the fault of the author. Not a copyright, and no rights reserved. 

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