Apparently it’s soccer season in the United States of America.
Unbeknownst to most Americans the MLS is in full swing, already 6 weeks into the season. The mere fact that there is professional soccer in the U.S. might come as a surprise to you, but I assure you it does exist. With the majority of American’s I can only be bothered to care about soccer every four years, when the World Cup rolls around. Even then the only reason for watching is the hope that our C-Team athletes can beat a country that actually cares about the sport.
With that being said, we have to wonder why soccer isn’t popular in this country? Why is it that every child begins his sporting career with soccer only to pursue a different sport as soon as he or she can? How can the most popular sport in the world be relegated to the same fan fair as Bass Fishing and Bowling in our country? Well I’ve done some thinking and I’ve come up with 10 reasons why soccer isn’t popular in the United States.
10. Riots
It’s not the act of rioting itself but rather the fact that they are rioting over Soccer. In real countries we riot over race relations, the overthrow of a government, or because our team just won a championship.
However soccer fans, riot because it has become a cliché thing to do. It has no real purpose, no end result, and is ultimately brushed off as “soccer hooliganism”. Moreover hooliganism doesn’t even sound frightening (as a riot should) but rather like a bunch of drunken men playing grab-ass and making a mess.
9. Player’s with one name
Other than ancient Greek Philosophers no one is special enough to have one name; not even you Bono.
8. Brutality
It’s true, Americans like our fair share of violence.
We seem to believe that if someone is going to be paid millions of dollars to play a sport then there should be some possibility of irreversible bodily harm or death. This would explain why NASCAR and the NFL are currently America’s two favorite sporting events. To further that point I ask you what sport is the fastest growing in the U.S.? The answer would be MMA (mixed-martial-arts); a no holds bared modern day gladiatorial games.
7. Flopping
Not many things turn Americans off more about soccer than the flop.
When we want to see acting we go to a movie, not a sports arena. Only in soccer can a grown man theatrically run himself into ground at the slightest of contact, then grasp a portion of his body as if it had been blown off by a high powered rifle. This is then applauded as a valiant attempt to draw a call, after which the theif usually gets up seemingly unhurt and ready to fire their free kick.
6. Objectivity
Soccer has a clock which continually runs up instead of down, and in the end a single man decides when the game will end without informing anyone else.
On top of his already misplaced power he can basically give and take away points on a whim. There is no rulebook as to what clearly defines a foul, or a bad tackle. You can play an entire match only to have it decided by a thespian disguised as an athlete taking a theatrical dive in the penalty area. Thus, you are determining a winner by a random event that has no relevance to the rest of the game. Americans would never stand for it; it reeks of random injustice and unearned glory.
5. Substitution
Since each team is only allotted 3 substitutions per game soccer fans and players continually pride themselves on the fact that they ‘have stamina” or “run the entire game”.
In reality this retards the game. Not only will we only see a maximum of 12 different players from either team, but by the time the game gets into the final minutes they are exhaustedly trotting around with no attempt to make a play on the ball until it comes to them. If the ball does happen to roll their way, they’ll probably fail to make a play and immediately resort to the flop. Then they’ll lie on the ground for a good minute or two to regain the energy they’ve lost chasing a ball around for an hour.
4. Not Enough Scoring
A soccer team generally scores as much as Steve Erkel.
When your sport fails to notch as many points as a baseball game, there is a serious problem. It’s sad when a group of generally un-athletic guys playing a sport in pants, in which there is a very real possibility not a single bead of sweat will develop on them, still manage to have more scoring and excitement than soccer.
3. The Use of Hands (or lack thereof)
In the course of human evolution the opposable thumb is perhaps the single most important genetic alteration, yet soccer does not allow us to celebrate this.
Americans however enjoy the use of our hands, which is why we created Basketball; the American version of soccer. While Basketball encompasses the constant movement of soccer and the ability for the ref to objectively award free points, it does have its alterations. For instance, there’s more scoring, no goalie dressed in different attire as his teammates, freedom of substitution, and the all important use of hands.
2. The Tie
It has been said a tie is like kissing your sister and in soccer it happens 55% of the time
1. We’re not the best at it
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2 months ago
Might also be the same reason that the metric system, driving on the wrong side of the road, and odd forms of counting, might be the reason Soccer never caught on over here.
Back in the 80s, they tried to get soccer to work, remember the days of Pele with the Cosmos?
The problem eventually became, that no one wanted to plunk down money, when they could watch football, baseball, basketball, or even hockey.
That, and that flopping bit, is really, really childish. After all, when Theismann got folded like a lawn chair, he didn't get back up, did he?
2 months ago
This, my friend, is worthy of a Pulitzer Prize
from 25 days ago
I agree with Weston. Bad ass article and funny as anything I have read. Good writing. I guess that is what happens when light is shed on a subject. It Glistens...............ting........
about 1 month ago
Good article.
One suggestion---how about mentioning that soccer is BORING?
about 1 month ago
Hey my Yankee Friends. Just listening to how you speak about Football the "beautiful game" makes me want to go over to the good 'ol U.S of A and show you some of my funky ball skills. Problem is you haven't seen it played properly, MLS is bog standard crap, the Welsh National League plays better than that. All you get is washed up retired farts like Beckham who can't even keep up with MLS football let alone when its played properly over here UK style babyyyyyyy.
The whole beauty of this game is the frustration you have to go through watching your team get closer and closer to scoring that possibly match winning goal and then just like building for orgasm it finally goes in. Whats a real turn on is when a team is really playing well and some great skills all tie up into a beautiful sexy goal. If you play the game you know how tricky it can be, so some of the things these players can do is magic, whereas with your poseable thumbs in comparison its pretty simple picking up a ball and chucking it in a hoop or whatever else you want to do with that hand of yours.
What the hell is all this "make a play" crap you are talking about and flopping????/ Sounds like you swankies have some real angst and are scared of it going floppy. I think you mean diving. Jesus, there is one thing badmouthing the best game in the world, but there's another when you don't even know the lexicon. Make a play sounds like you are going to move in on a sweet honey bunch sitting at the bar, but there you go again, that's why football is so great cos its the nearest to sex you can get without having to get up off the sofa.
The U.S. seems to have a knack of taking our exports Cricket/Baseball, Rugby/American Foolball, etc. etc. change the name and make them into a really slow and boring game (actually Cricket is boring anyway). How?
1) Time outs
These are a joke, if you are going to play a game you big woofter, stop whimping out and stopping whenever you feel like you need a breather or are scared your opponent is too good for you.
2) Subs
What is the point having sportsman who are paid so much yet they can';t even play the full amount of time cos they get tired. A game gets wrecked when you change the whole team around, it loses fluidity and purpose (seen when England changes its team around at half time in friendly internationals to try out new players). In football the best thing is that often goals are scored in the last minutes because the game has opened up due to the players getting tired, last 30 mins of a match are normally the most exciting.
3) Boring, boring, boring
How can you watch American Football when it takes so long, half the time is spent waiting for the next "play" as you cowboy boot wearing, rootin tootin, country cousins like to say. Boring my friends. You cant say that is good entertainment???
4) Rugby
Watch Rugby then you'll see what a mans game is. No pads, no pussy footing around just a lot of action...and you even get those high scores you seem to like. By the way I like Rugby but you don't get the ecstasy you get that you do in Football when a try goes in. Dont you understand muttleys, bigger isn't better, more isn;t better, 101- 94 is not better than a 2-1 in Football. In your games you slowly see the game slipping away, boring time to turn off, in football it can all change in an instance, that's why everyone loves it baby. You've got to watch until the last second (just watch Man Utd' when they one the Champions League in '99 or Liverpool in 2005 - now that's euforia, that's love of a game, that's pulling out of the bag at the last minute.Yer see?
from about 1 month ago
Hahah I appreciate the feedback, but I have to argue with a few things.
1) "The whole beauty of this game is the frustration you have to go through watching your team get closer and closer to scoring that possibly match winning goal and then just like building for orgasm it finally goes in"
-Unlike you wiley europeans we've mastered the art of multiple orgasms. Who wants just one?
2) "Problem is you haven't seen it played properly, MLS is bog standard crap, the Welsh National League plays better than that."
-you are completely right about this. I felt the same way when NFL Europe was over there; there's no sense in seeing a watered down version of something and expecting it to garner alot of interest and support
3) "Watch Rugby then you'll see what a mans game is. No pads, no pussy footing around just a lot of action..."
-some truth to this, but if i got reggie bush, devin hester, not a single rugby player would be able to bring them down. On the other hand if i were to get Lawrence Taylor or ray lewis and alllow them to play with no pads there would be dead people. NFL is meaner; just like America itself. It's a classic cop out move of rugby fans and europeans alike to say "they don't wear pads". Well why dont they? because they wont get hurt as bad. Because they aren't as big and fast, because there is NO VERTICAL GAME where a player can unknowingly get laid out by a someone running full speed toward him. Football is a collision sport, this is why the majority of its athletes wind up broken mentally and physically by the age of 40.
4) The U.S. seems to have a knack of taking our exports Cricket/Baseball, Rugby/American Foolball, etc. etc. change the name and make them into a really slow and boring game (actually Cricket is boring anyway)."
-The NFL has much faster players; the movement just isnt constant. As for baseball and cricket......well they are boring and there's no argument against it.
I could go on about some other comments about my beloved NFL but no time haha. All in all you made alot of good points and I respect your opinion. You did fail to aknowledge the TIE in soccer which is a classic socialist European move to "make everyone happy and equal!" and it happens way way way to much. I infact enjoy soccer much more than the average American but it just isnt as interesting to me as the NFL or NBA; but hey 3rd place isn't so bad.
about 1 month ago
I happen to disagree with just about every statement on that list.
10. Riots
Its not like the footballers are there organizing the riot. This is the fault of drunken fans and middle aged men trying to get a kick out of life by being a toughass.
9. Players With One Last Name
No one I've ever talked to has said anything about one name. Its a different culture, something Americans rarely every grasp.
8. Brutality
If its an exciting game, what need is there for violence. And really, if you actually watch the sport, players face career-threatening injuries rather often (think Roy Keane, Francesco Totti, and Wayne Rooney). Besides, if they need brutality how is basketball popular where if you touch someone its a foul. Or baseball, where all you do is stand and spit and occasionally watch an overpaid pansy jacked up on steroids hit a ball.
7. Flopping
How many basketball players purposely attempt to draw fouls driving in towards the hoop. Its much of the same thing.
6. Objectivity
Unfortunately football fans don't enjoy pausing for a 5 minute commercial break as the officials double check replays to make a call as they do in the boring version of football. And in any game a decision by the official can change games such as free throws. Plus, a referee can't GIVE a goal to a team, that was the most retarded generalization with no fact backing it that I've ever heard.
5. Substitution
"Not only will we only see a maximum of 12 different players from either team"
I spent a couple minutes trying to figure out how that makes sense. If the game starts with 11 players and you add 3 that makes . . . . . . 14! And yes players do get tired, but its not like its an hour long game that is televised for closer to 4 hours. Players go nonstop to prove how tough they really are. And that makes goals like Ryan Giggs' goal in the 109th match where he dribbled past almost all of Arsenal and roofs the keeper after dribbling half the field to put Manchester United through to the 1999 FA Cup Final even more spectacular.
4. Not Enough Scoring
The lack of 11-7 games and the like are what make soccer goals the best of all. In basketbal, when teams win 109-106 even full court buzzer beaters lose their excitement quickly. Baseball - hell, who ever gets excited over a home run? Even grand slams are more common than their name entails. Football touchdowns are often very similar, even hail marys aren't very exciting. And last minute field goals are cool - for about 10 minutes. But how about a bending, dipping free kick that puts your team through to the finals. How about volleys, smacked from 25 yards out that zoom upper 90? What could et more exhilirating?
3. The Use of Hands (or lack thereof)
What a pointless argument. As long as the game is exciting, who cares if they play it with their asses?
2. The Tie
Well football was wise enough to decide that if one team has not bested the other after 90 minutes, why carry on unless there must be a winner? (Football matches ACTUALLY tire people out, remember?) Again I've seen 0-0 draws that excite me more than the average NFL playoffs.
1. We’re not the best at it
America is getting there . . . Germany cheated America out of a World Cup semifinal berth in 2002 off of a handball (and a trip to the semis meant a WC final, as they had to play a weak South Korean side). Just wait, with the youth development of today, America will catch up. . .
from about 1 month ago
Haha yes. Its mostly a humor article except for a few.
10. the fans are as much a part of any sport as the athletes themselves; they create the fanaticism and atmosphere.
9. "No one I've ever talked to has said anything about one name. Its a different culture, something Americans rarely every grasp"
-Aww I knew someone would go anti-us on me I just didnt think it would be this soon. Im aware of the cultural aspect, I have plenty of Brazilian friends; whom I still give shit too. This one was more of a joke then anything, hence ending it with a shot at Bono
8. I said in there that our favorite sports are violent. Nascar (which i don't like) is a deathsport, Football is violent, and the fastest growing sport in america (MMA) is organized street fighting.
7. Your wrong its not as many basketball players and currently the majority of the ones that do are European. Moreover it isn't applauded as a "quality move" its looked down upon, which is why the NBA is making a rule against it next year, in case you didn't read that.
6. How is a ref not handing a goal to a team when he calls a terrible foul in the penalty area. They set the ball about 15 feet away from a goalie a great player will make 70-80% of them; that just isnt fair. Perhaps they should change the penalty, maybe make them dribble up to the goal with a set time or just push it back a little; i think it is a disservice to goalies. Once again Im not a big basketball fan for that very reason; they last few years have basically been decided by refs.
5. well that game your referring to that is televised for 4 hours takes a differnt kind of stamina; you can run around chasing a ball all you want and call that stamina which it is, but its just as hard to have energy when you've spent a game running, being hit, and making hits.
4. what could be more exhilirating. alot of things really, an amazing horrific car wreck, a huge hit, watching a guy juke 10 defenders on his way to endzone, watch someone make a one hand grab and have the grace to drag their tippy toes in the endzone while maintaning control, a blowjob, etc. Secondly don't bring baseball into this; its boring and i made a point to hate on it in that. And you still failed to adress the fact that there isn't alot of scoring.
3. once again joke
2. Thats because you like soccer more and cant appreciate the fact that the NFL has 250 pound men that are as fast as midfielders wrecklessly throwing their bodies around into other people. Its merely objective and while football does have ties its very very rarely, the last time it happened was around 5-6 years ago.
1. once again satire to point out we are consumed with being number one
from about 1 month ago
I'm actually American.
And having spent some time playing basketball, I've seen players drive to the hoop and draw fouls.
Penalty kicks can also be saved rather often, how about Gianluigi Buffon's recent save that against Romania that kept Italy in the WorldCup.
Having grown up in America, I grew up playing tackle football in kids backyards, and the game just doesn't drain you of energy the way a full 90 minutes does.
And while there are ffew goals, a game can be interesting witnout them and , as I said before, it makes the goals more exciting.
from about 1 month ago
"Having grown up in America, I grew up playing tackle football in kids backyards, and the game just doesn't drain you of energy the way a full 90 minutes does."
Well I'm glad that tackle football with a bunch of lil kids in a backyard gives you insight into the NFL. Its a lot different when your getting hit by people who can actually hurt you, and want to hurt you; not to mention the AVERAGE defender in the NFL weighs about 235. Was this backyard 100 yards as well? I mean you can say what you want about football but at least do so with some credibility.
from about 1 month ago
Well based on that, you can't make comments on professional football having not played it either . . .
from about 1 month ago
Haha nice cop out.
You can comments on a sport as long as they have some validity; regardless if you've played. My point was that you can't sit here and compare backyard football with friends to the NFL. Just like you cant compare backyard soccer to the real thing.....
from about 1 month ago
Cop out? I'd just say that I responded to a hasty generalization.
about 1 month ago
Soccer sucks ... as does American football.
LAX is the only real sport left.
from about 1 month ago
Haha, I even played some lacrosse for 3 years before switching back to soccer.
25 days ago
I agree with all those reasons. Especially number one haha. Good read, Mr. Harrison.
25 days ago
I played football for the school and soccer for the city leagues until I was 15 in the same season. I was a very good young soccor player. I would say the best in my area of small towns. I know soccer intimately and football is a much better sport if you are a warrior. Which I was and still am at heart. Men that have a little less testosterone are the ones that play soccer in America. Soccer players all get beat up easily and ruled by the football players--it is an American fact. If our superior American atheletes played soccer, noone in the world would touch us.
16 days ago
but u yanks dont know that football!!!!!!!!! or soccer is the most popular sport in the history of world sports, and that only north america likes those boring and fake sports that u have with billions of time outs and commercials
16 days ago
If we were like the rest of the world we wouldn't be so awesome....
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