Unintentionally Funny Sports Tweets
Twitter culture is like a social media manifestation of merciless corporate management in the era of mergers and acquisitions—a strong performance wins followers and imitators, a big miss can make an account disappear in a matter of minutes.
In a sense, Twitter is one of your most effective critics; if you dare attempt to be clever in 140 characters or less, or let the world know your unpopular opinion.
The reward, like the punishment, can be both swift and unambiguous. A lesson many a famous athlete has learned.
And, as is often the case with things in life, our best tweets aren't necessarily by design.
Considering what happens when you put a mic in front of an opinionated sports star, it's no surprise that Twitter has helped more than a few athletes produce some unintentionally hilarious tweets.
Darnell Dockett , Arizona Cardinals
@ddockett: I wish I could of met Pablo Escobar..
Why Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett wants to meet a notorious deceased Colombian drug lord responsible for the deaths of over 4,000 people is anybody’s guess. My guess is that they share the same affinity for keeping disconcertingly dangerous animals as pets.
Joey Barton, Queens Park Rangers
@Joey7Barton: All things considered I’d rather receive a bite than a leg breaking challenge. Whilst he should be punished, it is not the end of the world.
So Joey Barton, the man who once put a cigar out in the eyeball of a teammate, would rather be bitten during a game than have his leg broken and doesn’t think biting people is that big of a deal to begin with. Shocker.
Rashard Mendenhall, Retired NFL
@R_Mendenhall: It’s amazing reading the story of how we got this land from the Native Americans…
Former NFL running back Rashard Mendenhall was a little scant on the details of the story, but it looks like someone has finally made time for junior high social studies. That’s not trivializing the plight of Native Americans post-colonization, but rather wondering what prevented Mendenhall from being fascinated by their story at an earlier age.
Floyd Mayweather, Boxer
@FloydMayweather: Justin has been nothing but kind to me, my daughters & sons over the years. We all make mistakes when we are young, it’s part of growing up.
This one probably isn’t funny to everyone (like #TMT), but there’s something so ridiculously funny about the continued best friendship between Floyd Mayweather and Canada’s most irritating export, Justin Bieber.
Mike Davis, University of South Carolina
@Mike28davis: Idk why I like them girls wit that baby hair
South Carolina running back Mike Davis’ tweets about females usually have to do with how they talk too much or how they think guys like them when they don’t—the baby hair thing is the closest he gets to complimentary. And don’t you worry, I Googled “adults with baby hair” so you don’t have to.
Chad Johnson-Ochocinco, Montreal Alouettes
@ochocinco: Why are people just telling me about the perks of residing in Canada, should the states try the free Medicare thing?
This one is actually funny on two levels: First, Chad Johnson is currently playing football in Canada—only self-loathing Canadians would be feeding him a list of drawbacks. Second, the Medicare "thing" is already (at least partially) free in the States.
Jose Canseco, Retired MLB
@JoseCanseco: Happy Canada Day to all you great Canutes
Hmm. Methinks the word Jose Canseco was trying for there is Canucks. Nice try—but at least he was thinking of Canadians on Canada Day, which is more than the rest of us can say.
Adam "Pacman" Jones, Cincinnati Bengals
@REALPACMAN24: If you don’t have 100 followers , please don’t @ me #nobody
Bengals cornerback Adam Jones has pretty a pretty rigid social hierarchy on social media. It’s fantastic that he doesn’t want anyone even typing his Twitter handle unless they have at least 100 spam pornbots and members of #TeamFollowback validating their existence.
Rashard Mendenhall, Retired NFL
@R_Mendenhall: If former high school swimmers, were commentating for the NFL, I couldn’t really take them seriously. Who would?
It seems we have former running back Rashard Mendenhall to thank for the welcome dearth of former high school swimmers in the NFL commentating game. Phew! Now former high school members of the marching band? That’s an entirely different story.
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
@KingJames: My favorite player in the draft! #Napier
It wasn’t so much at the time, but LeBron James’ tweet about the Miami Heat drafting Shabazz Bozie Napier is a bit funnier in retrospect. Can’t imagine fans in Miami are finding much solace in LeBron’s enthusiasm for their rookie out of UConn. And from the looks of things, he's not too happy, either.
Arian Foster, Houston Texans
@ArianFoster: I don’t find Seinfeld (the show) funny at all, but people love it. I respect that.
@Arian Foster: I watched Seinfeld activity thinking like “ok, give it a chance, there’s a reason millions like it.” Nothin.
“Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that.” Thank you notoriously humorless Texans running back Arian Foster for accidentally channeling Hansel.
Stevie Johnson, San Francisco 49ers
@StevieJohnson13: Adam Sandler movies >
The fact that Niners wide receiver Stevie Johnson thinks that Adam Sandler movies are greater than…pretty much everything…is funnier than any movie Sandler has done since 2000.
Mario Chalmers, Miami Heat
@mchalmers15: It’s official Minnesota is colder than Alaska. Never thought I would see the day. Enjoy y’all day.
From this tweet alone, it almost seems as though Heat point guard Mario Chalmers had been waiting for the day he could declare Minnesota colder than Alaska his entire life. It was probably like that back when women’s suffrage passed back in 1919, only hilariously arbitrary and capricious.
Mike Davis, University of South Carolina
@Mike28davis: I feel like tattoo needles and the needles at the doctors are a lot different
I feel like Gamecocks running back Mike Davis is probably right, but like him, I don’t have any concrete evidence that tattoo needles and the needles at the doctors office are a lot different—just a serious hunch.
Though it might not be the needles so much as the things they’re attached to. Whatever. The fact that he made us delve deeper into a pool of nonsense was an unexpectedly funny treat.
Ike Taylor, Pittsburgh Steelers
@Ike_SwagginU: I have an hard time trusting people…
GOOD MORNING TO ALL…
What's most hilarious about this tweet by Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor (besides the obvious typo) is that he actually tweeted it at 4:33 a.m. He got up before dawn to say good morning to tens of thousands of people he will never trust.
Metta World Peace, NBA Free Agent
@MettaWorldPeace: I am also researching our native language. This is going to be tough. But a challenge.
It’s commendable that Metta World Peace is broadening his horizons these days—he’s dropping rap singles every Monday and recently decided to go back to school to study African history. It’s commendable and also admirable, laudable and even honorable—all of those different things.
D.J. Swearinger, Houston Texans
[Please note: That child is running an obstacle course, he is not fleeing danger]
@JungleBoi_Swagg: GOOD AFTERNOON WORLD!!! be #GREAT And #THANKFUL it’s somebody out there that got it worst than you!!
Texans safety D.J. Swearinger obviously had the best intentions with that tweet, but being thankful people have it worse than you is a comically unpleasant way of feeling good about your own life.
Wayne Rooney, Manchester United
@WayneRooney: Happy Birthday to my wife @ColeenRoo hope you have a nice day
A few months ago Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney tweeted out a birthday message to his beloved wife and it had all the meaning and warmth of a bag of cheap Chinese takeout. Makes you wonder if he got her a gift card to Home Depot and a high-five as a gift.
DaeSean Hamilton, Penn State
@SkeeterMills__: Knowing what I know now , I’d go back to high school and do it all over
Penn State wide receiver DaeSean Hamilton is as comically delusional about his own so-called wisdom as most 19-year-olds. It’s amazing how one year of college is enough to make most kids think they know it all.
Sean Spence, Pittsburgh Steelers
@3Spence1: Mourning world, Great day to be alive
Tweepos (tweeting typos) are so common that most of them go completely unnoticed. But occasionally you’ll see one, like that of Steelers linebacker Sean Spence, that’ll really make you laugh. It’s very rare that a single typo can produce so much unintended irony.
Jabari Parker, Milwaukee Bucks
@JabariParker: Still haven’t changed my list. I’m suing the press!!!!
Last year, Jabari Parker was milking his college announcement for all the LeBron-like “The Decision” it could muster. When the media placated him by speculating about colleges beyond his stated “list,” Parker decided he was going to sue…the press. Something tells me he didn’t major in political science during his single basketball season at Duke.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Green Bay Packers
@haha_cd6: Exposing a female period is disrespectful I don’t care what the situation is.
This is an instance in which punctuation really counts. Packers safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was probably trying to say: "Exposing a female, period, is disrespectful..." Unless he has strong feelings on the private nature of a woman's menstrual cycle—and he might. Funny either way.
Jose Canseco, Retired MLB
@JoseCanseco: Aliens from other planets do not exist. it is only us from the future
There may be nobody on Twitter more accidentally hilarious than former MLB slugger Jose Canseco. That alien bit might sound like a joke, but anyone who follows Canseco on Twitter knows the guy is dead serious.