For the Win: The Coolest Stuff of the Week
[Grabs UPS guy by the throat] "Where is LeBron going? TELL ME."
Sorry. I've been getting caught up in the madness. Everyone has gone so far down the tin-hatted rabbit hole over this Remix to Decision that the Internet has turned into an HTML coding edition of Blue's Clues.
It's all that anyone's talking about, but it's not only part of the mayhem. Let's look at the broader picture.
This week, puffy shirts, German beer and yes—absurd LeBron James memes—are winning sports.
Paul Pierce Tearing Up WSOP in Vegas
Vegas is a tough town.
The general rule is you get in, have your yucks and get out before an organ fails or the paid muscle cripples you with a 5-wood. I've never looked out of the window on a plane leaving McCarran International Airport. I slide the slat down immediately so I can get back to sleeping and not having money.
Paul Pierce, however, is better at Vegas than I am. The Brooklyn Nets forward touched down in the desert this weekend for another go at the World Series of Poker. It's his second time competing in the no-limit Texas Hold'Em tournament, and judging by his Twitter feed, things are going well.
Last we checked, Pierce made it through to the third day of competition. He was up $100,000 from his $10,000 buy-in after Day 2, but it's anyone's guess how he's sitting now. We do know he's wearing shades and headphones at the table, which is a dumb, amateur move. Then again, he's in Vegas throwing chips, while I'm at home eating animal crackers and writing a slideshow. So he wins.
Self-Serve Beer Stations to Debut at ASG
Giving command of the tap to the masses is usually about as bad an idea as there can be.
Self-medication tends to lend itself to overdosing, and a cheap, pour-it-yourself booze pump at a baseball game sounds like another 10 Cent Beer Night riot waiting to happen.
Rest assured, the DraftServ is regulated (kind of) and hasn't killed anyone (yet). The machine, a self-service draft beer stand, made its debut this week at the Minnesota Twins' Target Field. Fans purchased preloaded cards and crammed them into the pouring stations under the watchful eye of mediators charged with the responsibility of carding suspected minors.
Unfortunately, the DraftServ only allows fans to purchase 48 ounces of beer every 15 minutes. So if you're an ogre or a Kodiak bear, you might go through some thirsty stretches.
Texas Rangers Selling Two-Foot-Long Taco
Mark my words, the food at the Rangers' ballpark is going to kill someone someday. And I'm not talking about heart disease. I mean blunt force trauma or drowning.
The creations pumped out by the Texas Rangers vendors raise many of the same concerns as stem cell research: We can do it, but does that mean we should?
I, for one, vote "yes." Break out the pepper jack and the jaws of life. Melt rare metals into queso. Do what you have to do to make more foods like the Tanaco—the 2-foot-long taco the Rangers recently introduced at the ballpark.
It's selling for $26, and if you're the kind of person who will pay that much for an unnaturally long taco, you should have no problems shoveling the entire thing into your mouth in front of strangers.
Brazil-Germany Blowout, as Represented by Alcohol
This video speaks for itself.
R.I.P. joga bonito.
Brooklyn Cyclones Set New Bar with 'Seinfeld Night'
So. Many. Puffy. Shirts.
The Brooklyn Cyclones broke the mold for Seinfeld-related promotions this weekend, setting an almost unattainably high bar with their "Seinfeld Night" celebration.
The "real" Kramer showed up, the Soup Nazi threw out the first pitch, and a man with the legal name "George Costanza" drove in from Rhode Island to announce the third inning. These are just a few of the ridiculous gags that went on at the Cyclones' MCU Park, which was briefly renamed "Vandelay Industries Park" for the occasion.
LeBron James Stars in 'The Letter'
A lot of dumb LeBron James memes have cropped up this week. This is not one of them.
Joey Chestnut Proposes to Girlfriend Onstage at Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest
This is a #throwback I'm obliged to post because we didn't have a weekly rundown last week, and Joey Chestnut is a B.A.
Chestnut won his eighth mustard belt in a row last Friday. He also proposed to his girlfriend Neslie Ricasa, a fellow competitive eater. She said yes, and then Chestnut proceeded to gorge himself on processed meat and then vomit (presumably).
And the Winner Is...
Congratulations, Cyclones. You get soup.
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