Cincinnati Bengals Voted Worst Dressed

If a more radical uniform change is called for, I say eliminate the orange altogether and become the white bengal tigers, like the ones that stalk the cages of the city’s zoo. The helmets would be white with black stripes, and silver could be added as a third color to the jerseys and pants.

This would probably cause Oakland to grumble about stealing their colors, at which point, we would remind Raider Nation that what we stole were shades and not colors and to go eat more raw meat or bludgeon things, or however it is they spend their time.

The less colorful ensemble would remove the jokes about pumpkins and trick-or-treat and the like, and might actually look, as the kids say, hard.

Lastly, returning to the uniform of the 70's would be an improvement. The basic helmets* with Bengals written on the side are hard to argue against. The jerseys are black with white block numbers and an orange stripe on the sleeve; nothing wrong with that.

With Pittsburgh and Cleveland already stuck on the classic look, a permanent throwback would fit nicely in the rust-belt AFC North.

*It’s worth pointing out that there’s nothing wrong with the style of the current helmets. Just because the football world can’t adjust to horizontal stripes, doesn’t mean that it’s a poor design. Bengal tigers everywhere would be insulted if the team that represented them were to change their stripes. The helmet design is the only salvageable part to the uniform.

Yet none of this is likely to occur anytime soon since money was spent on a uniform change five years ago.

Ultimately, uniforms are trivial concerns when it comes to assembling and maintaining a professional sports franchise, and fans will always care about such matters far more than anyone else involved—aside from Market Research.

But purchasing a Maualuga jersey has become a bit more difficult to manage knowing that it’s the worst jersey in sports. It’s a little dismaying.

Mojokong—dressed to the nines.

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