Sell Me The Cincinnati Reds!

Illya HarrellAnalyst IIJuly 2, 2009

NORTHAMPTON, UNITED KINGDOM - JUNE 21:  Red Bull Racing Team Principal Christian Horner (C) celebrates with team mates after Sebastian Vettel of Germanys victory during the British Formula One Grand Prix at Silverstone on June 21, 2009 in Northampton, England.  (Photo by Mark Thompson/Getty Images)

Just look at that crowd cheering my caffeine charged anti-Dusty Baker/anti-Walt Jocketty rally held outside of my apartment as soon as I saw Willy Taveras' name in the leadoff spot on Thursday afternoon.

I apologize to my fans if I did not recognize any of you.

This is a plea to Reds owner, Bob Castellini.  For the sake of the Queen City, sell me your team. 

No offense, but the brass you have hired to manage team affairs does so about as well as my 104-year-old granny who thinks JFK is still President and cannot tell the difference between green beans and jello.

Why am I so angry?  Because this is a good team that will be ruined if changes are not made.

Wow!  I see that we just eked out an extra inning win vs. a team 17 games below .500—Joey Votto just knocked in the winning run.

Seriously, Mr. Castellini, I would like to purchase your team before it becomes a bigger butt of MLB jokes than the Nationals.

I would be a "hands-on" owner.  I would general manage, manage, and demote Dusty Baker and Walt Jocketty to aisle-roving Cracker Jack salesmen. 

My first order of business as manager will be sending Willy Taveras down to rookie league ball.  He is under contract for another year and a half, and I would very much like to see him spend that time riding buses to and fro podunk rookie league towns.

Second on the plate, give Ryan Hanigan a shot at playing everyday.  Sorry Ramon Hernandez, your performance behind the dish has been above average.  But Hanigan is out hitting you and playing better defense.  Time to give the rook a shot.

Next up, Bronson Arroyo.  First, I will smash all of your guitars and tell you that if I ever hear you playing them again you will be sitting next to Willy on those rookie league buses. 

Then I would order Arroyo a head MRI—to see that your carpal tunnel syndrome is indeed in your hand and not crippling your brain.

With Taveras gone I would address the troubled leadoff spot.  Chris Dickerson will see the majority of time—against all righties.

Hanigan would bat leadoff against lefties.  I know that this will raise some eyebrows, but it is pointless to leadoff bums just because they have speed.  It would be nice to see people on base for Votto and Phillips.

What would I say to Dusty and Walt while demoting them?

To Dusty:

"Sorry, just because you were on-deck when Hank Aaron set the record for career home runs does not mean that you can properly manage a baseball team.

And have some respect for your appearance.  Get that toothpick out of your mouth.  You look like a freakin' hillbilly."

To Jocketty:

"Have you been chillin' with Geovany Soto?  Please say yes!  At least then I would understand your stoner-like player acquisitions and your whining.  

You think you made a better offer in the DeRosa deal?  Ever think that Cleveland regards you as a pompous prig and placed the telephone receiver on the desk to avoid listening to your babble?"

Mr. Castellini, I apologize, but I can not offer you much in the way of monetary compensation for the Cincinnati Reds.  After paying my rent and Internet bills this month, I have a combined $700 in my checking and savings accounts.

However, I do have a PayPal account.  In time, I am sure that my improvements to the Reds' organization will provide a grassroots showing of appreciation. 

Until my debt is paid off, I will give you a luxury box with complimentary Cracker Jacks.