Warning To Kofi Kingston

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Warning To Kofi Kingston
(Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

As Vince McMahon used to say "In The Interest Of Fairness."

Well in the interest of hoping to save a star's career in WWE, I've written this article. This is my warning to Kofi Kingston: Don't get in a feud with The Big Show.

Kofi, whether you read Bleacher Report or not, I write this and implore you not to get tangled up with The Big Show. Nothing good can come with it.

If I may I'd like to show Exhibit A: John Cena vs. Big Show. I don't know when this feud started, probably because I entered comatose state when it started. I guess it's now over though because I've awoken from a long slumber. Now that Cena vs. Big Show feud is over what did it do for wrestling?

Nada. Nothing. Negatory.

What did it do for John Cena's career? Nothing. The Big Show's matches are like sleep aids. In fact, I've heard wrestlers need a lot of pain killers and sleep aids. Watch a Big Show match. It's better then a Somna. Kurt Angle did you hear that? A feud with Big Show, no matter who you are, does nothing for your career.

Big Show isn't over enough as a heel to put over the likes of John Cena. How the hell is he going to put you over Kofi?

With your skills and high-flying ability, every match you have with Big Show is going to involve you being caught off the top rope by Big Show's giant paws and then being held by a grizzly bear. What will Big Show do next? He'll hold you with both arms and either give you a double-arm back-breaker or, if he's feeling saucy, a big ol' back toss. Then he'll tell the audience to be quiet so he can give you a lumbering chop.

In reality Big Show need not tell the audience for silence because most of them are either already bored or sleeping, or for the dark horse scenerio perusing though a WWE program that cost $15 and features 20 wrestlers who were fired in the past year.

Kofi, did I mention it took Floyd Mayweather to make a feud with Big Show look interesting? Big Show would have been better having a match with that bear from Will Ferrell's "Semi Pro" at Wrestlemania over a year ago if it wasn't for Mayweather.

Kofi do you know how long Big Show has been back since he left for two years? Two years.

I'm not sure I remember now when Big Show originally left or when he came back.

Now I know you're not really from Jamaica, and I know even if you were that it doesn't necessarily mean you would smoke ganja or drink rum,. but for the love of God Kofi if given the opportunity, drug Big Show and pin him before a feud takes off. Invite him back to your hotel room and crack open the mini bar like Steve Martin and John Candy in Planes Trains and Automobiles and give Big Show as much rum as you possibly can, and if you can't get the rum then get him high. If you need pot just ask Brian Kendrick, I'm sure he'll have some.

Now make sure Big Show is nice and either high or intoxicated. Now pin him and end the feud in one match.

I repeat do not try and get in a three-month feud with Big Show. Before you know it you will be old and grey. Big Show will look the same and be lumbering around. You will not have made any strides in WWE. You will not have become World Champion.

Kofi I hope you heed these words. I'm just looking out for you. In closing repeat this daily affirmation.

"Just Say No To Show."

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