For the Win: The Coolest Stuff of the Week
You see that? That's the world, baby. She's been out there all week, biding her time and waiting for you to finish doing the things you need to do to pay the bills and avoid living in a Mercury Cougar.
But before you go out and embrace the warm bosom of the weekend, let's take a minute and pay our respects to the best sports stuff of the week.
This week, Beats by Dre commercials, Ghanaian witch doctors and Alex Morgan's abs are winning the sports world.
Let's kick it.
Beats by Dre's World Cup Commercial
I wanted to hate this commercial (which may contain some NSFW content).
When I saw people raving over social media about some new Beats by Dre commercial for the World Cup, every fiber in my being expected another star-littered pander spot with face-painted fans, a LeBron James cameo and soaring shots of trust-fall Jesus.
I was right about all of those things but so wrong concerning the way they were executed.
Beats' "Game Before the Game" is magnificent. It slips in almost every sports commercial cliche imaginable while managing to stay fresh and driven enough to feel like a short film.
Elderly tattoo cleavage, Neymar-dad-inspiration and horizontal samba? I will shove these dollar bills in your mouth, Dr. Dre.
Scott Langley's Ridiculous Cliffhanger Putt at Memorial
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am not good at golf.
Most of my time on the links is spent pitting out and hooking Titleists through some hedge fund manager's pool enclosure. Take that, yuppies!
I mention this because never in my life could I have the patience that American golf pro Scott Langley demonstrated at the Memorial Tournament on Sunday. The 25-year-old hung a 10-foot putt on the 16th hole, with the ball seemingly coming to a rest on the very edge of the cup.
Where most of us would have screamed at the Lord and tapped in, Langley played it cool. He and playing partner Bubba Watson watched for 23 seconds as the ball teetered on the edge and eventually fell in the hole.
Chris Davis Celebrates Homer with Invisible Buds
Chris Davis—aka "Home Run Biff Tannen"—smacked a beautiful solo shot out of the park against the Texas Rangers on Wednesday night.
It was his first home run in a while, and his teammates decided to ice him out upon his return to the dugout.
No matter, Davis took it all in stride, slapping skin and hugging it out with Casper, Patrick Swayze and the rest of his invisible friends.
Trinidad and Tobago Player Bows to Messi
You know you're in for a rough night when your players are prostrating themselves to the opponent before the first whistle.
Nonetheless, Trinidad and Tobago midfielder Ataullah Guerra earned a special place in my heart when he bowed to Lionel Messi before a friendly match against Argentina on Wednesday.
Messi was going through the routine pregame handshakes when Guerra dropped his head and went into full Alice Cooper praise mode.
Remi Gaillard's Unfair and Insane World Cup Trick Shot Video
Attempting to fathom the number of hours Remi Gaillard has put into his craft is enough to make you give up your dreams.
Whatever it is you think you pour all your time into perfecting, Gaillard spends triple that just on kicking soccer balls at things.
In honor of the upcoming showdown in Brazil, the French performer filmed 32 trick shots, wearing a different national team jersey for each boot. Ironically, the USA kick involves the decidedly un-American dispensing of trash.
You can just throw that paint can anywhere, Remi. It'll melt.
The Dayton Dragon Makes Deaf Boy's Day
Imagine being stuck at a vegetarian restaurant surrounded by happy, vegetarian people.
Now imagine being stuck at that same vegetarian restaurant, but this time a dragon walks in and hands you a Big Mac—no pickles, just how you like it.
That's the closest I can come to imagining what this deaf boy must have felt when Heater, the Dayton Dragons mascot, surprised him with a little bit of sign language earlier this week.
It wasn't life-saving surgery or anything, but it was custom gift that only he could appreciate.
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Takes Responsibility for Cristiano Ronaldo's Knee Injury
I love me some crazy, and few things are more howl-at-the-moon insane than a witch doctor claiming direct responsibility for an international soccer star's health problems.
Which is why I salute Nana Kwaku Bonsam, a Ghanaian witch doctor who told The Guardian earlier this week that he placed a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo in order to keep Portugal from beating Ghana in the World Cup.
I know what Cristiano Ronaldo’s injury is about, I’m working on him,” Bonsam said. "I am very serious about it. Last week, I went around looking for four dogs and I got them to be used in manufacturing a special spirit called Kahwiri Kapam...I will work on Cristiano Ronaldo seriously and rule him out of the World up or at least prevent him from playing against Ghana and the best thing I can do is to keep him out though injury.
Moving past the dog-reaping, this guy may be onto something. We need to get Doctor Phil and the rest of America's finest semi-doctors on this if the U.S. wants to make it past Ghana. Their voodoo is strong.
Simpsons-Ized NHL Logos
Alex Morgan's Behind-the-Scenes Swimsuit Shoot Video
Alex Morgan wrapped up her 2014 Sports Illustrated shoot some time ago, but the behind-the-scenes video has finally emerged.
The shoot took place on Guana Island, which is Latin for "you're not reading this anymore."
And the Winner Is...
Was there ever any doubt? No, there was not.
On the Twitters.