The Official Bleacher Report Handbook

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The Official Bleacher Report Handbook
(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Note: This is a humorous article, meant only for laughs.


As Bleacher Report's most awesome writer, Zander's best friend, and the most enlightened soul on this web site, it is my responsibility to write a proper, up-to-date, useful, and eye-opening handbook/user manual for the best sports site in the world: Bleacher Report.

This article should serve—no, wait...will serve—as a guide for newbies and as a source of uncorrupted, inspiration, and profound enlightenment for the regular writers.

If you're stuck as a scribe hoping to be a senior writer, you have written a dozen articles and not earned the "syndicated writer" tag yet, you're new and trying to figure out why this site is the best, or you're a senior writer who has never won an AOTD, this article is what you must read.

Do not doubt what I write here; don't dare to disagree with me. I am awesomeness personified.

I may not be as experienced as Dorothy Willis, as talented as Leroy Watson, as gifted with words as Richard Marsh, or as crazy about a sport as Rohini Iyer or JLB or MJ, but I am...uhh...well...you know...I'll tell you later....

Let's get on with it.

 

How To Start

You're new here? Wonderful. 

Now, your profile picture is very, very important.

If you are a woman, upload your real photo. Seventy-five percent of readers on this site are male, and I don't even need to explain the rest.

Don't smile in the photo. Have an angry, demented look. If you are blonde, awesome; if not, use a wig. Blondes get more views. I mean...their articles...you know...oh well.

If you're a guy, unless you're Brad Pitt, don't even try your own photo. Search for some unusual and weird photos on the net.

 

How To Get Fans

If you're a woman, all you have to do is to post a couple of comments here and there. If you have followed my directives on your profile picture, you will have 50 fans by the second day, at least.

If you're a guy, you have to work hard. Go to every damn writer's page and fan-add them. Whether you know them or not, whether you understand their sport or not, whether you have read their articles or not—doesn't matter. Give a POTD to their latest article if you want to take that extra step.

Chances are half of them will be delighted and will fan-add you back.

 

First Article

The mistake newbies do is to play it safe. Don't.

You have views about rebuilding the Colorado Avalanche? Keep them to yourself.

You can write a semi-decent article why Kobe Bryant is overrated, or why you hate the Boston Red Sox, or the latest scandal an MLB superstar is in? Go to work; now you're talkin'!

 

List It Out!

NFL, NBA, NHL, NCAA-BB-CC-DD, whatever—all those sections love making top-10 lists for some reason. You make one, too.

It doesn't even need to be a rational list. Make a list called "Top 10 Cross-dressers in Sports Today" or "Top 10 NBA Players I'd Like to Punch in the Face" or "Top 10 Referees I'd Like to Make Voodoo Dolls of and Pin."

Apparently, Insanity = Humor.

 

Beware!

AOTDs mean everything here.

Do one thing: Search Leroy Watson, Blaine, Sulayman, Marsh, and other writers. Casually ask them when their next article is coming out...and make sure you do NOT publish your article on that day!

Those folks are AOTD machines; don't mess with them.

 

Human Interest Stories

Oh boy, the big one. A big hit on B/R right now is telling people your life story and how it is connected to sports.

Did your girlfriend dump you? Where? At a restaurant? Nah—doesn't fit. Make her dump you at Yankees Stadium and there's your story!

Did you lose a tooth on Super Bowl? Or shave for the first time on the day of WrestleMania XXV? Even if you didn't, make people believe you did, and there's an AOTD waiting for you, buddy!

 

Go Against the Flow

Anyone can write why Favre is the best, or why Ronaldo's move to Madrid is important, or why Pakistan deserved to win the T20 Cricket World Cup. You write on those lines, and you will go nowhere.

Write against the flow; it doesn't matter even if you disagree with it personally!

Write an article titled "My 80-Year-Old Neighbor Can Outplay Ronaldo—Even Without His Cane," or "Why the L.A. Lakers Suck." People will read those headlines, get angry like hell, and wanna leave comments on that "stupid" article...2,000 views, baby!

 

Wrestling Community Warning

Here's your 11th commandment: "If thou be a sissy, thou shalt not post in the B/R wrestling community."

 

Tennis Wonderland

Tennis section has the sweetest and the kindest people on B/R. They are helpful, sweet, positive, amazing people who really can never be rude and always give you support and...

Take advantage of them. Be merciless.

If you can't think of anything one day, a safe bet is to write an article titled "Roger Federer or Rafael Nadal: Settling Who's the Best, Once and for All!"

 

Cricket, yawn, yawn, yawn...

The funny thing about less popular sections on B/R is that you may get only four reads on an article, but the people there are so kind, you will get four POTDs, as well!

Yes. Only four or five people write articles there, and all of them read each other's articles and give each other POTDs.

So, if you want to bolster your ego, you know where to go!

 

Select the Best Photo

Photos are so important for an article. Don't screw up in that department.

If you can't find a good photo, the best and safest bet is always to search for "cheerleaders."

Like I have done here for this article. See? Practice what you preach.

 

Publicity

You think you write a good article and your job is done? Keep dreaming.

Post a link to your article on every damn bulletin board you find. Even if it drives them mad, even if your article is one-sport specific and may not be understood by casual readers, and even if you have never read the articles of that writer—does not matter.

 

Curious Case of Comments

Reply to every comment faithfully. Even if someone has said "you're welcome" to your "thank you," slap a smiley face, but comment!

 

Have a Gimmick

You must have a gimmick. It is your identity. You have many to choose from.

You can be a 35-year-old jobless, obese bum living in your parent's basement, but if you have the right profile picture, you can pose as "the arrogant SOB."

Then there are "simple Sams," the "friendly Franks," the "Weirdos who hit on every female writer on B/R," and the ever popular "Jerks."

The most popular gimmicks can be found in the wrestling community. If you are a precocious character, emulate your favorite WWE superstar.

Outside of the articles themselves, spell "right" as "ryte," "like" as "lyk," and speak as if you're a "gangsta." You may be afraid of a cockroach in real life, but, on the Internet, you are dangerous.

OK.

Had some laughs? I hope none of you are angry at me. If we can't laugh at ourselves, what's the use?

Bleacher Report is an amazing Web site with hundreds of talented writers—a community growing together, bonding together, and experiencing a wonderful journey together.

Keep the ridiculousness of this article away; this was just for fun.

Let us help and encourage the newcomers. Let us nurture each other's talent. Let us enjoy sports. Who's with me?

P.S.: I forgot one important point. Always end your article on a high emotional note. Especially if it is a humorous one, and even if it was a silly rant worth less than half a quid, make it look as if it really had a "serious message" embalmed in it for the entire community.

 

Disclaimer

This article was indeed a humor piece only. No one and nothing was directly or indirectly intended to be hurt, belittled, or disrespected.

I respect all writers and all communities. Bleacher Report is a wonderful Web site, and I endorse its awesomeness.

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