The Official Bleacher Report Handbook

Senior Writer Written on June 29, 2009

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - MAY 17: Cheerleaders entertain the crowd during the round 10 NRL match between the Manly Warringah Sea Eagles and the Parramatta Eels at Brookvale Oval on May 17, 2009 in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

Note: This is a humorous article, meant only for laughs.

As Bleacher Report's most awesome writer, Zander's best friend, and the most enlightened soul on this web site, it is my responsibility to write a proper, up-to-date, useful, and eye-opening handbook/user manual for the best sports site in the world: Bleacher Report.

This article should serve—no, wait...will serve—as a guide for newbies and as a source of uncorrupted, inspiration, and profound enlightenment for the regular writers.

If you're stuck as a scribe hoping to be a senior writer, you have written a dozen articles and not earned the "syndicated writer" tag yet, you're new and trying to figure out why this site is the best, or you're a senior writer who has never won an AOTD, this article is what you must read.

Do not doubt what I write here; don't dare to disagree with me. I am awesomeness personified.

I may not be as experienced as Dorothy Willis, as talented as Leroy Watson, as gifted with words as Richard Marsh, or as crazy about a sport as Rohini Iyer or JLB or MJ, but I am...uhh...well...you know...I'll tell you later....

Let's get on with it.

How To Start

You're new here? Wonderful.

Now, your profile picture is very, very important.

If you are a woman, upload your real photo. Seventy-five percent of readers on this site are male, and I don't even need to explain the rest.

Don't smile in the photo. Have an angry, demented look. If you are blonde, awesome; if not, use a wig. Blondes get more views. I mean...their articles...you know...oh well.

If you're a guy, unless you're Brad Pitt, don't even try your own photo. Search for some unusual and weird photos on the net.

How To Get Fans

If you're a woman, all you have to do is to post a couple of comments here and there. If you have followed my directives on your profile picture, you will have 50 fans by the second day, at least.

If you're a guy, you have to work hard. Go to every damn writer's page and fan-add them. Whether you know them or not, whether you understand their sport or not, whether you have read their articles or not—doesn't matter. Give a POTD to their latest article if you want to take that extra step.

Chances are half of them will be delighted and will fan-add you back.

First Article

The mistake newbies do is to play it safe. Don't.

You have views about rebuilding the Colorado Avalanche? Keep them to yourself.

You can write a semi-decent article why Kobe Bryant is overrated, or why you hate the Boston Red Sox, or the latest scandal an MLB superstar is in? Go to work; now you're talkin'!

List It Out!

NFL, NBA, NHL, NCAA-BB-CC-DD, whatever—all those sections love making top-10 lists for some reason. You make one, too.

It doesn't even need to be a rational list. Make a list called "Top 10 Cross-dressers in Sports Today" or "Top 10 NBA Players I'd Like to Punch in the Face" or "Top 10 Referees I'd Like to Make Voodoo Dolls of and Pin."

Apparently, Insanity = Humor.

Beware!

AOTDs mean everything here.

Do one thing: Search Leroy Watson, Blaine, Sulayman, Marsh, and other writers. Casually ask them when their next article is coming out...and make sure you do NOT publish your article on that day!

Those folks are AOTD machines; don't mess with them.

Human Interest Stories

Oh boy, the big one. A big hit on B/R right now is telling people your life story and how it is connected to sports.

Did your girlfriend dump you? Where? At a restaurant? Nah—doesn't fit. Make her dump you at Yankees Stadium and there's your story!

Did you lose a tooth on Super Bowl? Or shave for the first time on the day of WrestleMania XXV? Even if you didn't, make people believe you did, and there's an AOTD waiting for you, buddy!

Go Against the Flow

Anyone can write why Favre is the best, or why Ronaldo's move to Madrid is important, or why Pakistan deserved to win the T20 Cricket World Cup. You write on those lines, and you will go nowhere.

Write against the flow; it doesn't matter even if you disagree with it personally!

Write an article titled "My 80-Year-Old Neighbor Can Outplay Ronaldo—Even Without His Cane," or "Why the L.A. Lakers Suck." People will read those headlines, get angry like hell, and wanna leave comments on that "stupid" article...2,000 views, baby!

Wrestling Community Warning

Here's your 11th commandment: "If thou be a sissy, thou shalt not post in the B/R wrestling community."

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written on June 29, 2009 Humor

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						<input class="signup_text_input" id="facebook_user_first_name" name="facebook_user[first_name]" size="30" type="text" />
						
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