Just a warning for everyone reading this: you WILL be offended at some point, if you actually read this entire article. So if that bothers you, please do not continue on. No personal offense is meant to anyone, including the celebrities/famous-ish hockey people, but you probably will feel it.
Oh, and another note—all of the funny quotes/punchlines in this article are true quotes from someone. Usually BT.
Bass: “Oh man, BT, can you believe it?”
BT: “I know! I was always against expansion, but since they named us the GM and Assistant GM, I’m all for it!”
Bass: “The Las Vegas Gamblers. We’re so creative. No one would’ve thought of thatname!”
Indeed, it’s true—the NHL has expanded to Las Vegas after seeing how “successful” the NHL Awards were earlier in June. GM Alan Bass and Assistant GM/Head of scouting Bryan Thiel are on their way to the first ever NHL draft in Las Vegas hockey history!
BT: “I’m bringing strippers to our table.”
Bass: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?”
BT: “The draft is in Montreal.”
Bass: “Uh oh. Well then our bill is going to be a lot higher than I thought it was.”
BT: “It’s okay. If we spend too much money, the NHL will just bail us out, like they did with the Coyotes.”
Bass: “That’s a good assumption.”
BT: "I hope Phoenix folds before the draft; I mean, what money would they use to sign their draft picks anyways? Besides, the 'Yotes top draft pick will probably break down and cry once he's drafted because of the destruction of his hockey career."
Ken Armer was named the Director of Hockey Operations for the Gamblers, but was unable to make the trip.
BT: “Where is Ken, anyway?”
Bass: “Not sure.”
BT: “I can’t believe he would miss the draft!”
Bass: “Come on, BT, Ken missed game seven of his team’s semifinals to go shopping with his girlfriend.”
BT: “BITCH PLEASE! Yo, did you ever get in contact with Bleacher Report about us live blogging from the draft floor?"
Bass: "Yeah, but they said no. Bleacher Report doesn't allow ideas."
BT and Bass arrive at the draft. Although that kind of rhymes, I guarantee it was totally accidental. As Bass walks into the Bell Centre, BT stops at the entrance to have a chat with those 2K Sports girls. You know, the ones wearing the feathers. And nothing else.
About 20 minutes later, BT arrives at the draft table.
Bass: “Where were you?”
BT: “Uh, ‘talking’ with the ladies.”
Bass: “Mack?”
BT: "Meh...it was pretty good...a little slower than I'd like, but these Canadian girls have this ‘one at a time’ rule.”
Bass: “We gotta get you away from girls.”
BT: "You can't keep me from the ladies...that's why airvents were invented."
Bass: “I’m gonna bitch slap you.”
BT: “Ohhh the memories.”
Bass: “So, how was it?”
BT: "Disappointing, embarrassing, unfulfilling and downright disgraceful...at least she was good though."
Bettman: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2009 NHL Entry Draft!”
BT and Bass: “Boooooooooooo.”
Brian Burke: “Guys, you’re not supposed to boo the commissioner.”
Bass: “It's his fault. He gave us the team. If he didn't want us here then he should've thought about that first."
Tavares goes first to the Islanders, the Lightning take Hedman, while Colorado picks Duchene. At fourth, the Las Vegas Gamblers are ready to make their first pick in franchise history.
BT: “You know who you’re picking?”
Bass: “Absolutely. This kid is going to draw in fans like no other. Even I would pay to see this one.”
BT: “Aight, I’ll get the jersey and hat.”
Bass: “Thank you to the NHL for taking a gamble on the Gamblers.”
(Awkward pause).
“Anyhoo, with the fourth pick in the 2009 NHL Entry Draft, the Las Vegas Gamblers select the whore from 26th street."
Pierre McGuire: "Well...she's a monster in and on the corners."
Mike Milbury: "Good pick here by Bass."
Don Cherry: “Kids, just be a little careful.”
Gord Miller: “And it looks like assistant GM Bryan Thiel is receiving sexual favors on stage from the team's most recent draft pick.”
McGuire: “I’ve just been told that Las Vegas’ season ticket sales just rose from six to 18. That’s almost triple!”
(While on stage still)
BT: “Dude, what’s with the suit?”
Bass: “We’re at the draft, I have to wear a suit.”
BT: "You should dress like a hippie."
Bass: "Why? What would that even accomplish?"
BT: "Well...then you wouldn't wear pants and it would add to your aura."
Bass: "Add to my aura?"
BT: "Precisely...as a hippie."
Bass: “'Cause of the weed?”
BT: “Sure…if you’re into that kind of thing I guess it’s a win-win.”
Bass: “Well, I do like weed.”
Pierre McGuire: "After the fourth pick in the 2009 Entry draft, we're live with Alan Bass and Bryan Thiel of Las Vegas from the draft floor. Gentlemen, you went really off the board with that pick. Do you care to explain?"
Bass: “We did Pierre...we figured that we could catch a lot of teams off-guard with this strategy and make them re-think how they're going to draft. We also want to make an attitude adjustment, and this is the first step in getting a team that ‘goes all out, just depending on the cost.’”
BT: "When you say boards, do you mean head boards? If so, she's vicious...I've got a cut that needed like 12 stitches.”
McGuire: “Well, what is the name of your draft pick?”
Bass: “Uhh…well she didn’t want to bring it up, and I didn’t want to push the issue.”
McGuire: “I hear she's a monster. What do you guys plan to do with her?”
BT: “Well, I sure can’t answer that on live TV, but if you say ‘monster’ one more time I’m going to draft another hooker, just to spite you.”
McGuire: “…the management of the Las Vegas Gamblers, ladies and gentlemen.”
Bass: “Woo.”
(Back at the draft table)
Bass: “Let me get Ken on the phone to let him know about the pick.”
Ken: “Hey Bass, what’s up?”
Bass: “Not much. You see my pictures from the Stanley Cup final?”
Ken: “No.”
Bass: “I had my Red Wings’ shirt on to cheer on the winning team!”
Ken: “You were wearing a Red Wings’ shirt?”
Bass: “Yeah.”
Ken: “That’s worse than being Jewish.”
(Hang up)
BT: “What did he think?”
Bass: “He loved the pick. And he may be leaving us to work for Kenny Holland...I'm not sure"
Joe Nieuwendyk: “With the eighth selection in the 2009 NHL Entry Draft, the Dallas Stars select Ken Armer of the Las Vegas Gamblers.”
Bass: “What? He can’t draft our head of hockey operations!”
Pierre McGuire: “Dallas takes Ken Armer. Good pick with some good foresight, although he is not very good in the corners, according to Alyssa.”
BT: “I can’t stand Pierre McGuire. He makes me want to poke a baby so it will start crying, so I can drown out his raving about ‘monsters’ and ‘in the corners.’”
Bass: “Since we’re all drafting each other’s personnel, I think Edmonton should select Brian Burke.”
BT: “What?”
Bass: “Think about it: Lowe passes to Burke, he shoots...and hits Lowe right in the heart.”
BT: “Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2010 Edmonton Oilers!”
Bass: “Hey Burkie, have you ever played the Maple Leafs’ drinking game?”
Burke: “…how do you play that?”
Bass: “When the Leafs start playing, you drink until you think it’s the Red Wings.”
(Burke looks down for a second, looks up and then punches Alan square in the jaw).
BT (Back at the draft table): “Dude, what the hell happened to you?”
Bass: “Got punched in the jaw by Burkie. Looks like you have a bruise on your face, too.”
BT: “That’s a hickey.”
Bass: “Let’s take Greg Caggiano with our seventh rounder. He’ll be a steal.”
BT: “Nah, I don’t like New Yorkers.”
Bass: “He’s from New Jersey.”
BT: “Even worse.”
Caggy: “I wrote, ‘I’m fluent in Canadian’ on my draft profile, and McGuire actually read it aloud in front of millions of people.”
Bass: “…okay, let’s take another hooker. Hey, where’d our first round pick go?”
BT: “I don’t know, I thought you were keeping tabs on her.”
Bass: “I turned away after what happened on stage...that was gross. And where’d you get a Betty Boop tattoo?”
BT: “Duh. Tattoo parlor. But where is…oh no! Not Bettman’s table!!!”
Bass: “Dude, she’s taller than Bettman even though she’s not even—“
BT: “Don’t finish that thought. Colin Campbell is listening, you may get suspended.”
Bass: “Screw that, those things never stick.”
BT: “Yo Alan, we just got a trade offer for Sidney Crosby.”
Bass: “Nah, I don’t like his offseason workout routine.”
BT: “What do you mean?”
Bass: “Crosby's offseason will consist of watching his highlights with a paycheck in one hand and a bottle of lotion in the other.”
BT: “Oh.”
Bass: “But I mean, if I were making 8.7 a year, I’d be doing the same thing.”
BT: “I already do.”
(Draft ends).
BT: “Man, I don’t think we could’ve been more successful during that draft.”
Bass: “We got someone who can really step in and make a difference on the ice.”
BT: “That guy who set records in the OHL?”
Bass: “No, the stripper. She is definitely going to make a difference.”
BT: “She can be the new equipment manager. You know, dealing with the protection.”
Bass: “Sweet.”
The Las Vegas Gamblers went on to win three games in the 2009-10 season. Their total record was 3-78-1. Bass and BT held a meeting with the team to discuss how proud they were.
Unfortunately, the team folded and relocated to Hamilton. But because Jim Balsilliewas still busy with the Coyotes, they were purchased by a group from Hamilton including Frank Augustyn, Eugene Levy, and Gino Cavicchioli...all famous people from Hamilton, according to Wikipedia.
After the draft, Bryan and Alan went their separate ways.
Bryan went to produce the smash hit TV series “Cooking with Geno.”
Alan went on to create his own magazine, entitled, “GMs Gone Wild.” He was later arrested.
Alan Bass is a Senior Writer for Bleacher Report, the Community Leader for the NHL and Philadelphia Flyers’ section, and a writer for Prohockeynews.com,Insidehockey.com, and Hockey54.com. You can contact him at ALN424@aol.com.
We'd like to send you the most entertaining NHL articles, videos, and podcasts from around the web.
7 Comments
Loading more comments...
This comment and all replies have been deleted This comment has been deleted Undo delete