7 Ways to Help Wayne Rooney Get His First World Cup Goal
On a domestic level, Wayne Rooney has cemented his reputation as one of the most fearsome strikers on the planet. But at the World Cup? Not so much.
Despite being England's primary scoring threat at the 2006 and 2010 tournaments, the Manchester United star does not have a World Cup goal to his name.
Here are some ideas to help the 28-year-old break his duck.
Performance-Related Hair Transplants
Last summer, Rooney continued on his path of Benjamin Button-style reverse ageing by having another hair transplant.
The Three Lions talisman has all the money he could ever need, so performance-related pay might not be the best motivator. Performance-related hair transplants, however, could do the trick.
If Roo is promised an extra 1,000 follicles on his bonce every time he scores a goal in Brazil, he'll end up looking like a yeti by the start of the Premier League season.
Play Stereophonics Through the PA
The games in Brazil should flow to a samba beat, but if we really want to get the best out of our Wayne, we need him pumped up to the soundtrack of his favourite band: The Stereophonics.
Throw Performance and Cocktails on the tannoy system in Manaus during the Germany game, and the man with a 'Phonics tattoo on his arm will have bagged a hat-trick by the fifth song.
Use Some Moyes-Related Visualisation Techniques
It's probably fair to say that David Moyes didn't have a lot of friends in the Manchester United dressing room during his unexpectedly short tenure at the club.
Among his chief adversaries was almost certainly Wayne Rooney, who in 2008 was sued by the Scottish manager for a comment made in his autobiography. The matter was settled out of court, presumably to the chagrin of the star striker.
Perhaps the sports psychologist that Roy Hodgson is bringing to Brazil will help Rooney with some visualisation techniques. If he is able to picture the ball as Moyes' head, for example, there'll be no stopping it; his shot will be guided like a rocket towards the net.
Dare Him to Zlatan
One man who definitely won't be scoring in the World Cup this summer is Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who modestly informed us the tournament wouldn't be worth watching without him.
If the PSG star was in Brazil, however, he would score ridiculous acrobatic goals in every game. To score like Zlatan, Rooney must #DareToZlatan.
The England man should start speaking about himself in the third person. Maybe he could run some journalists over in his car. He should kick a few teammates in the head and then develop an utterly irrational and unrelenting hatred for Pep Guardiola.
Come on Wayne, #DareToZlatan!
Threaten Him with the 'Macarooney'
To ensure Rooney ripples the net a few times in Brazil, Roy Hodgson should lean in and whisper one simple sentence in his ear:
If you do not score at this tournament, your TV on the plane ride home will be set to a constant loop of 'The Macarooney.'
No one could survive a transatlantic flight listening to that. By the second hour, Roo would be begging for the sweet release of an airline version of Grown Ups 2.
Promise Him a Las Vegas Holiday
Much like any highly paid professional athlete, Wayne Rooney loves nothing more than spending his downtime in a Las Vegas pool with a beer and a cigarette.
For every goal he scores, the FA should promise to comp him a night in a luxury suite at the MGM Grand. For every assist, Hodgson could vow to pick him up a carton of Marlboros at the Rio de Janeiro airport duty free. Viva Las Vegas!
Remind Him What His Job Is
Wayne Rooney is paid extortionate amounts of money to do one thing: score goals.
That's literally it. To take home the annual salary of some lower-division teams every week, he just needs to kick a round sphere of leather until it goes into a net.
A swift reminder of the overwhelming simplicity of this task might be all the clarity he needs to prove his detractors—and former teammates—wrong.