Weird Sports Records That We Totally Made Up

Dan Carson@@DrCarson73Trending Lead WriterJune 4, 2014

Weird Sports Records That We Totally Made Up

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    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    Let's talk about "intangibles"—those wispy little traits that can't be measured in a metric or found in the box score.

    Everyone loves to use this vague term when discussing the Danny Woodheads and Wes Welkers of the world—less-than-ideal specimens chocked full of good intentions and long-cut American GRIT. And maybe they have a point. 

    After all, plenty things are immeasurable—or at least impossible to confirm. Who's to say when the "hardest" hit in American football occurred? How do we go back and confirm the BAC level of the drunkest major leaguer to ever throw a strikeout?

    We can't, but what we can do is apply our noggins and make a highly subjective judgment on the matter, which is the aim of this slideshow.

    The following are a number of weird sports records we completely made up. I cannot confirm any of these, as they are based on zero science. Nonetheless they are records and deserve to be included in the Guinness Book of World Records along with the rest of humanity's extraordinary and ultimately pointless feats.

Most Ominous Lurk Face

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    USA TODAY Sports

    What's a "lurk face"? It's a facial expression that says "Your days on this planet are numbered."

    Pat Riley is the master of the lurk face, possibly without even knowing it. The former NBA coaching legend/current Miami Heat president sits in the stands at AmericanAirlines Arena looking at the game like Tywin Lannister, deciding which of his puppets to sacrifice next for the good of the family.

    He can't help the fact that he always looks like a brooding, robber baron—it's just his face.

Fastest Breakup Between Engaged Athletes

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    Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

    If proved true, the recent allegations made regarding Rory McIlroy's swift breakup with the Woz have to classify as some of kind of historical, land-speed record.

    The story being reported is that McIlroy dumped Caroline Wozniacki over the phone in about the time it takes to microwave popcorn—three minutes, to be exact.

    While Wimbledon and the ATP don't keep track of such vital statistics as the length and manner of athlete breakups, the sporting press does, and I'm calling this a world record for fastest breakup between two athletes with a wedding on the horizon.

    Short of Snapchatting Wozniacki a picture of his wedding band in a toilet, there's no faster way McIlroy could've ended it with his bride-to-be.

Fewest Damns Given by a Coach

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    This is a difficult one.

    There are so many coaches out there with so much to do and so few damns to give about popularity or public perception, I don't know if it's fair to call one above the other.

    Bob Knight, John Tortorella, Mike Gundy, Les Miles, Lee Elia, Phil Wellman, Wally Backman...the list goes on for hot, angry days.

    That said, with the NBA Finals upon us, I'm giving this one to Popp. Gregg Popovich doesn't swear like a sailor or choke players between classes, but the Spurs head coach gives as few damns as anyone to ever wield a whistle.

    As Marty Hart might say, he's the Michael Jordan of being a son of a [bleep], and everyone respects him all the more for it.

Hardest Punter-Delivered Hit Ever

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    Let's pretend like every special teams player ever was rigged up with Sports Science-like machine with mechanisms that measured the force of their hits, both given and sustained. 

    Which punter could say he laid the hardest hit?

    My money's on former BYU punter Matt Payne, who dished out the licks like no one's business against Boise State in 2004. He monster-mashed the return man not once, but twice in the same game, to the point where Boise State players were getting salty over his hairy chested punt-covering style. 


Most Bro Tears Cried at a Sporting Event

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    GIF via LostLettermen

    Ah, crying Alabama bro—where have you gone? 

    We cherished your performance at the "Game of the Century," but haven't heard from you since your run-in with an LSU admirer in 2012. 

    Wherever you are, I hope your cheeks are dry and your hopes are high. God bless.

Most Deserved Non-Fighting Sport Punch to the Face

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    Sometimes you're just begging for it.

    We don't advocate violence at B/R, but we do acknowledge that Kent Bentson might have had it coming after he elbowed Kareem Abdul Jabbar in the ribs during a 1977 game. 

    Jabbar took the sharp gut-check personally and, after collecting himself, jacked Bentson square in the mouth. How hard was the punch? Well, it broke Bentson's jaw and Jabbar's hand. So there's that.

    Even better, Bentson later apologized and said he was "sorry the whole thing had to happen." Of course it had to happen.

Biggest Facial

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    A lot of people get hit in the face while playing sports.

    I would wager that every 30 seconds, someone in the world takes a ball to the mouth playing one sport or another.

    That said, there are few instances when one player just throws the ball point blank into another player's face. This footage of Andray Blatche taking a close-quarters whopper to the face will never leave for two reasons, the first being perfectness of the throw, the second being Blatche's indifference to taking a side-armed basketball in the mouth.

Hardest Kick to the Goodies

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    Sports Science has dabbled in the field of crotch-savaging before, but somehow mankind still doesn't have a machine that calculates both force applied to the groin and corresponding agony in the recipient.

    If we did, however, this one would be a needle-bender. WHOA!

Most Chicken Nuggets Eaten in a Three-Week Period

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    Shuji Kajiyama/Associated Press

    While I acknowledge Chad Johnson's standing love affair for McDonald's, I have to give Usain Bolt the record for most chicken nuggets eaten in a three-week period.

    By his own admission, Bolt downed somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 nuggets during the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing. They say necessity is the mother of all invention, which applies to Bolt's eating habits in China. He only turned to the nuggets after discovering he couldn't stand Chinese cuisine.

    You gotta do what you gotta do to survive, after all.

Most Strikeouts Record While Drunk

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    LOU REQUENA/Associated Press

    Sorry, Babe Ruth. This golden kegerator goes to David Wells.

    While there are certainly many players out there known for drunken excellence on the diamond, Wells is my pick for best-est, drunkest pitching ace. The former New York Yankees pitchers threw 11 strikeouts during a 1998 game against the Minnesota Twins as part of an overall perfect game—the 15th in MLB history.

    Wells claims he had been out until five in the morning the night before partying with the cast of Saturday Night Live and slogged coffee and aspirin until game time. He's essentially the boozy version of Doc Ellis.


    On the Twitters.