Ten Worst Sports Team Nicknames
So the other day, I wrote an incredibly immature article about athletes with unfortunately hilarious names (http://bleacherreport.com/articles/207341-the-ten-most-inappropriate-names-in-sports-history). I have written serious articles before, about my Oakland A's, or about the futility of predicting sporting events, but none of them has more than 80 reads. But when I wrote an article about stupid names, with poo jokes in it, I got 3000 reads in under two days. So I figure, I should stick to what I am best at—using sports to make immature people like me laugh. And with that in mind, here are my ten worst team nicknames in all of sports.
Number Ten—Stanford Cardinal
Yes, I am a Cal fan and I am admittedly biased. But still... YOUR NICKNAME IS A COLOR!!! Yes, that is not cardinal the bird, it is cardinal the shade of red. The people who ran the school simply gave up on finding a mascot to represent a shade of red, and for whatever reason decided on a tree. To represent a color. Absolutely ludicrous...
Number Nine—Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters
One of the teams in the Pacific League of Nippon Professional Baseball, in Japan. Yes, that is ham in English, they are named after a meat packing company. Since I am Jewish, this makes me wonder... would rooting for the Nippon Ham Fighters be unkosher?
Number Eight—Saint Kilda Football Club
I never would have discovered this if it were not for the semester I spent studying abroad in Melbourne, Australia. Saint Kilda is a district of the city of Melbourne, and the St. Kilda Football Club plays Aussie Rules Football in the Australian Football League. This would not be a problem, except that Saint Kilda Football Club does not fit on the jerseys. Instead. it says St. K.F.C. Australia is now the fattest country in the world, ahead of the United States. The fact that the Kentucky Colonel seems to be a saint there just might be part of the reason...
Number Seven—Columbia College Fighting Koalas
Seriously—have you ever seen a koala? I have, and no animal is less likely to pick a fight. They are the cutest animals on the face of the planet, but all they do is eat, sleep, and have sex. That is one hell of a lifestyle, but there is certainly no fighting involved.
Not to mention, Columbia College is in South Carolina, thousands of miles from the nearest koala.
Number Six—USC Trojans
Your mascot is a condom brand. Enough said.
Number Five—Tufts Jumbos
So... everyone who goes there is fat or something???
Number Four—University of Pennsylvania Quakers
The Quakers are a branch of Christianity that has a major focus on pacifism. I have absolutely no objection to that, I consider myself a pacifist. But it seems a bit strange to me to have a school mascot that is against fighting and competition...
Number Three—Webster University Gorloks
If a Gorlok sounds to you like a monster Harry Potter should be fighting, you are pretty close to right. It has the paws of a cheetah, the horns of a buffalo, the face of a Saint Bernard, and is a mythical creature invented by the students of Webster University. At least a dragon or a unicorn would be a mythical creature everybody knows about... what the hell is a Gorlok?!?!?
Number Two—Butte Pirates
I did not want to put any high schools on this list, but come on... the Butte Pirates???? I had no choice!!!
Number One—Rhode Island School of Design Nads
Seriously?? The Nads? Okay, maybe I am missing something here. Maybe this is an art term I do not know about.
Oh wait, that was the name of your original teams. Your new basketball team is called the Balls. Way to be subtle...
Seriously, I would be ashamed of making this up. They are legitimately the RISD Nads or the RISD Balls, depending on the sport.
What the hell do they call the cheerleaders?
Are these team names hilarious? Maybe. Do I find them funny? Of course. Am I immature? Absolutely. Everybody should be a little bit immature... it makes life that much more enjoyable.