An Outsider's Ode to Red Sox Nation

D.A.Senior Writer IJune 28, 2009

ATLANTA - JUNE 27:  Outfielders J.D. Drew #7 and Jacoby Ellsbury #46 of the Boston Red Sox collide as Drew catches a fly ball hit by catcher Brian McCann #16 (not pictured) of the Atlanta Braves in the ninth inning at Turner Field on June 27, 2009 in Atlanta, Georgia.  (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Here's an ode to Red Sox Nation, from somebody outside it.

You have an elf, playing second base,
And Youkilis, has a dirty face.

Your closer is, a river-dancing hick,
Your center fielder, is a tiny tick.

Your catcher is, way past his prime,
And Papi can't, make you sublime.

At shortstop there's just nothing there,
And at third you need a hip repair.

In left there's no personality,
In right there's a big waste of money.

You have two pitchers aged 42,
And Lester's story is what you overdo.

Your Japanese import has not been great,
Your manager is who you overrate.

You constantly complain about the Yanks,
Even though you too break the banks.

Your story was good, in 2004,
But now your story is just a bore.

Blah blah blah, you are in first place,
That's unsustainable, the lead will be erased.

You can't beat the Rays, or the AL West,
Your record is inflated, by beating up the rest.

ESPN has made you a sensation,
But I say loud and proud, screw Red Sox nation.