We all love sports. We really do. Some will say sports is a huge part of their lives, some will say sports is their life.
We are all dangerously addicted to sports.
But this addiction can get weird, and I mean really, really...really weird.
Here are some sure-shot signs that your obsession with sports is slightly unhealthy, maybe disturbing, probably borderline crazy, but definitely a concern.
1. The Proposal
Did you propose to the girl you love, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, your soul-mate, your angel etc...in the following manner?
"Honey, you're almost as beautiful as Maria Sharapova. Your kiss is sweeter than the entire squad of Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. You mean more to me than Patrick Roy meant to the Colorado Avalanche during their two Stanley Cup wins.
"I love you more than I love my LA Lakers. Will you sign a life-time contract with me, and make me happier than a Real Madrid fan after they signed Ronaldo?"
I do not claim to understand women, I repeat, I DO NOT, ever. But I think a majority of women would find that kind of proposal...rather unromantic.
Then again...like I said, I do not understand women....
2. Goodnight, sweet dreams
So...you're a 30-year-old guy who loves wrestling. That's all right. That's normal.
But if the walls of your room are filled with Hulk Hogan posters, if you call your colleagues as your "peeps", you walk the "power-walk" like Vince McMahon even though in reality the recession has left you broke, or if you you use any of The Rock's catchphrases daily at least once...it's getting weird.
BUT, if you (still) kiss your Sgt. Slaughter action figure goodnight before going to sleep each night, you're officially a psychotic case.
3. Grunt it out!
We all have wonderful ring-tones in our mobile phones, don't we? Favorite songs, movie dialogues, musical notes, animal noises, crying babies, laughing clowns, alien laser guns...heck, the list is never-ending.
And you are of course a tennis fan, and you want the world to know it. That's OK.
But the ring-tone to your mobile phone is set to the unearthly "grunts" of your favorite tennis player....OK, that is weird.
Imagine yourself talking with your kid's school-teacher or your boss or the father of your fiance, and the mobile phone rings and your ring-tone plays, "Oooohh...ahhhh. Ehhhh...aauuuhhhh..!"
4. Federer and me
Talking about tennis...
So...you're a fan of Roger Federer.
You have 15,957 photos of Federer saved on your computer, you even "Photoshopped" two dozen of them to paste yourself over his wife.
You have hundreds of his videos saved on your YouTube account as "favorites."
Your Bleacher Report profile MUST be set to a Federer pic.
All that, though on lines of insanity, is acceptable.
But if while reading this article, you're still drooling over his photo above, you have right-clicked it and saved it, maybe you already have set it as your desktop background & are probably dreaming about him right now...you're not even reading this now...I've lost you...you are in Roger-world...
You need help. Believe me.
5. Happy to be stuck with you
Are you married? And do you love sports? Accept my sympathies.
You are a middle-aged guy, married (happily, I guess...) for many years now, have kids and all. And you love sports.
But you do not remember the date you got married, you can only take an educated guess of your wife's birthday, you only pretend to recognize everyone from your wife's side of the family you have met a dozen times, and you often forget to give a nice compliment to your lovely wife once in a while.
But you remember EVERY statistics of your favorite football team, you know by heart how many times Shaq has missed a free-throw, you can recognize ANY player or staff member who has ever been with the Detroit Red Wings, and you really care for the Yankees.
I rest my case.
6. EX-pect trouble
This is the ugly part...
Do the Boston Red Sox, or Manchester United or Barcelona or Inter Milan, or the Cleveland Cavs, or any other of the teams you dislike/hate/despise/have a "hope they rot in hell for an eternity" kind of feeling...
...remind you of your EX-girlfriend?
Or worse, your mother-in-law?
And you spend nights imagining a diabolical story about them, hoping it comes true? Write hate-mails, create voodoo dolls & pin them, try your hand at black magic even?
It's not normal. Really, it is not....
7. Bleach it, baby!
It'd be strange if you are addicted to sports, are aware of using the Internet, and still not be addicted to the premier sports Web site in the world: Bleacher Report.
Did I say it right?...let me underline it—the best sports Web site out there...Bleacher Report.
(Zander, you're reading this, right?)
You have the homepage of your Internet browser set to B/R. You spend more time here than MySpace or Facebook. You'd even vote for Richard Marsh, or MJ or Shane Howard in a Presidential election.
But if you're taking this to the next level, its slightly unhealthy.
If you see your editors, who pamper you with eternally positive feedback as possible candidates as your best man in your wedding...
If you have a HUGE crush on those lovely ladies who edit your articles, change a hundred words and still say, "I loved it, only minor changes from me..." and are thinking about seriously asking them out...
If you are going to send Christmas cards to everyone who gives your article a "Pick of the day"...
...beware! Your addiction is beyond insane!
These are only a few signs, of course there are dozens more. As a responsible writer on the world's best sports website, I felt it was my duty to raise this important issue.
If you or someone dear to you suffers from these signs, sure, laugh at them! But remember, a psychologist is only one phone call (and $1,000 per appointment) away.
May God help everyone. I just hope he starts with me.
DISCLAIMER: The above article is obviously meant for humorous purposes only. Nothing and no one is directly or indirectly meant to be insulted or belittled. The writer does not consider these signs to be necessarily psychotic, neither does he recommend a psychologist for the same.
P.S.: The writer also does not endorse any of the people mentioned above, in the Presidential elections. Well...not yet, anyway.