Welcome to The Onion Bag, your comprehensive guide to weird and wonderful football news.
First up today, a new film entitled United Passions has been launched at the Cannes Film Festival. It's about FIFA... and it looks terrible.
Next up, we head to Mexico, where national team coach Miguel Herrera has laid down a total nookie ban.
Finally, we catch up with Miralem Pjanic, who has been doing some excellent work helping his Balkan countrymen deal with their fatal flooding problems.