It's a Conspiracy, I Tell You!: AFC East Edition (Humor)

Notice how Bill Belichick is always looking over his shoulder?

That's because he knows someone is out to get him.

He ain't the only one!

You do remember Spy Gate. That was when Belichick sent the CIA to report back to him on what the St. Louis Rams were doing before the game with them. Eric Magini, who really works for the FBI (heck, he surely can't coach in the NFL!), told me himself why he spilled the beans on BB.

He said, "We can't have the CIA involved in the NFL. They oughta be doing something more important, like getting involved in MLB! Send those steroids players to Gitmo, that's what they should do! So, I had to tell somebody what was going on. You don't expect the CIA to come clean, do you?"

This intrepid Bleacher Report writer goes behind the scenes to report about just how the AFC East teams are conspiring against each other.

Conspiracy No. 1: The Real Reason Rex Ryan Won't Kiss Bill Belichick's Super Bowl Rings!

This is the picture Rex Ryan had taken of himself when some Jets beat writer asked him why he wouldn't kiss Bill Belichick's Super Bowl rings.

Anyway, I went underground at that press conference to report to you that the REAL reason Ryan wouldn't kiss Belichick's rings is because former Jets coach Eric Mangini had already explained to Ryan that those rings are laced with cyanide.

"I should know," Mangini told him. "Being on his staff and all, I saw him put the cyanide in myself!"

Conspiracy No. 2: Tony Sparano Isn't Who He Says He Is

He's really Tony Soprano.

Now we know why Sparano was in that final "Sopranos" episode: he's been in all of them! Except we didn't know that, because when he accepted that Dolphins' head coaching job last January, we had no idea that Tony Soprano was as bald as he is!

How did I find out about all this? Bill Parcells told me himself! He said, "Deb, the real reason we hired Sparano is because if we didn't, the Mafia would kill me!"

And do you notice in the picture how a couple of Dolphins players are bowing to this guy? Mafia? Heck no! It's the Head Gumbah Himself!

Conspiracy No. 3: Terrell Owens Is Really in Buffalo Because...

He's on the lam in Dallas, for threatening Ronald McDonald's life with curare-laced popcorn.

Ronald told me himself.

He said, "Deb, that TO is a really, really, really bad guy! If he would do that to me, imagine what he would do to Tony Romo! No wonder Jerry Jones traded him!"

Trent Edwards must be wondering the same thing!

Note to Trent: Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT throw to Lee Evans this year! You might regret it!

Now that TO has found a house in the Buffalo area, I am sure that this must be true.

And I thought it was what came out of his mouth that was so irritating.

Conspiracy No. 4: Rex Ryan Is Out To Get Me!

Why is Channing Crowder smiling? Because he knows that Rex Ryan is not out to get him.

He's actually out to get me!

Channing told me himself. He said, "Deb, YOU are the one he wants!"

And I told him back, "Channing, he better not do that. If my husband sees him, he'll get his shotgun and shoot him!"

Conspiracy No. 5: The REAL Reason Sammy Morris Wouldn't Keep Bernard Pollard Off Tom Brady in 2008

Giselle told me herself. She said, "Deb, the fact is this: Sammy Morris is my cousin, and he doesn't want Brady in the family. But he didn't have the guts to kill him himself, so he made a deal with Pollard."

For a minute there, I thought she was going to tell me Morris was her true love!

Conspiracy No. 6: It's Really Not Bill Belichick's Super Bowl Rings That Ryan is Worried About

What Ryan is REALLY worried about is the OTA Super Bowl Ring he's going to wear!

It is laced with Botox, and he thinks he's poochy enough, thank you!

But don't worry Rex. Neither Channing Crowder, Joey Porter, nor Bill Belichick made the ring.

And neither did I!