Sports Figures Who Should Have Their Own Walk-Up Music
In a better world, we'd all have our own walk-up song—a custom-tailored jam that plays whenever we enter a room, announcing our superb musical taste to those within.
Sure, it would end in complete, pants-soiling chaos. Some kid would pull the fire alarm at school and an entire county would have to listen to the Best of Glee multiplied by a thousand as children flock through the emergency exits. But those first two hours, man—it would be great.
Unfortunately, the only people who can get away with having a walk-up song are sports people. They work in big arenas where loud noises and obnoxious music is welcomed, if not encouraged.
With this in mind, I've decided to hook up some of the biggest names in sports and sports media with their own theme music. I've even provided them with some finishing moves for their walk-in routines.
My choices aren't based on what they would want. This is about picking the song that speaks to the crowd, and more importantly, the song that speaks to their nature. It's not my fault Tim Duncan practically brims with Coldplay vibes.
The Song: "Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex.
I would give up my paycheck to watch NBC open up its Olympic coverage with Bob Costas stomping onto stage, pink eye blazing like the gaze of Sauron to "Cotton Eye Joe."
Finishing Move: [Double pistols to the sky] [huge pull of moonshine].
The Song: "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath.
Too strong to be man, too sweaty to be machine (unless, you know, SKYNET), Adrian Peterson is as close as the NFL has to a cyborg man-bot with Wolverine healing capabilities.
Finishing Move: [Transforms into car] [does wheelie down sideline].
The Song: Tie between "All My Exes Live in Texas" by George Strait.
Charles Barkley might have made some comments, but he knows where his bread is buttered. Deep in his heart, Chuck knows the only reason he jokes about San Antonio is because it's a town custom-made for him.
Finishing Moves: [D-Generation chop into double-handed churros].
The Song: "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish.
Some will say this song should go to LeBron James, but Darren Rovell puts the King to shame when it comes to bartering your very life essence for the almighty dollar.
He'll plug Rob Gronkowski cat pajamas if he thinks it'll grease the wheels with the Patriots front office.
Finishing Move: [Pulls out red-hot iron brand] [sears hash tag into intern].
The Song: "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" by Boy George and the Culture Club.
This sounds like a joke on Sidney Crosby (it is), but imagine being a Crosby hater and having to listen to Boy George every time the Penguins captain took the ice. You'd end up ice picking yourself just to end the agony.
Finishing Move: [Rips off sparkly cape] [dozen white doves take to the sky].
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
The Song: "Bring Da Ruckus" by Wu-Tang Clan.
They're from New York City, have nine different styles and that's just the beginning of the similarities between Lance Stephenson and the Wu-Tang Clan. You never know what they're going to do, but one way or another when they hit the floor there's going to be commotion.
Finishing Move: [Hits shot from half court] [stares at Dwyane Wade] [falls asleep on hardwood].
The Song: "The Scientist" by Coldplay.
Tim Duncan is the type of guy who'd get jaw clinchingly amped up to early 2000s Coldplay and then destroy an opponent 15 years his junior.
Finishing Move: [Soft rock air guitar] [throws Werther's Originals to the crowd].
The Song: "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama.
Hear that? That's the sound of women collapsing under the heat as Cristiano Ronaldo slinks onto the pitch to "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama.
Disregard that other sound, by the way. That's just the whistle of batteries whipping through the air.
Finishing Moves: [Spins around on corner flag] [sees woman blow him a kiss] [falls over clutching shin].
The Song: "Back in the U.S.S.R." by the Beatles.
Alex Ovechkin is a great guy and by no means a proponent of socialism/Putin-ism, but this is happening. There wasn't a choice.
Finishing Move: [Throws Olympic torch into ice bath] [invades seats near Russian bench with impunity].
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
The Song: "All Eyez On Me" by 2pac.
"All Eyez On Me" was just a song title to 2pac. I'm convinced Kobe Bryant uses the phrase to formally end prayers.
Finishing Moves: [Leaping chest pumps with Pau Gasol] [Lands] [Season over].
Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Warning: Video contains NSFW lyrics.
The Song: "What More Can I Say?" by Jay Z.
"There's never been a [jigga] this good for this long."
Sound familiar? Floyd Mayweather Jr. can't do much more at this point besides make money. Like Jay Z, he might not be as good as he once was, but he's still making money hand over fist, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
Finishing Moves: [shadow boxes by ropes] [hugs Justin Bieber] [knocks Justin Bieber out].
The Song: "The Lizards" by Phish.
Seattle Seahawks fans have already embraced this Phish song, which includes the repeated chanting of "Wiiiiillllllsoooooon." Nothing could possibly get you more jacked up/mortified than the loudest stadium in America chanting your last name like zombies searching for brains.
Finishing Move: [Hops off brightly colored Multibeast] [Jumps in Puget Sound wearing full pads].
The Song: "Cold Hard Bitch" by Jet.
I am terrified of Ronda Rousey, and I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Finishing Moves: [flips double birds to the world] [hocks up loogie] [Miesha Tate loses].
The Song: "The Man" by Aloe Blacc.
Jadeveon Clowney chose this turd-sandwich of Hallmark card wisdom as his walk-up song at the 2014 NFL draft, so it only stands to reason he sticks with it.
Otherwise, Clowney will probably find himself in breach of contract with Dr. Dre.
Finishing Move: [Puts on headphones] [cashes giant check].
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