Soto's Obesity Linked To Marijuana (Satire)

Chris MurphyAnalyst IJune 26, 2009

CHICAGO - MAY 16: Geovany Soto #18 of the Chicago Cubs prepares to hit against the Houston Astros on May 16, 2009 at Wrigley Field in Chicago, Illinois. The Cubs defeated the Astros 5-4. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Investigation into the rising waistband of Chicago Cubs catcher Geovany Soto has been brought to a halt after nearly four months of work. 

The culprit was found to be marijuana.

Soto tested positive for marijuana at this year's World Baseball Classic where he represented Puerto Rico.   

Marijuana, or the jolly green giant as some call it, has been known to cause users to delve into a sea of greasy foods to solve their immense hunger brought on by the drug.

Along with his incredible amount of girth expansion, Soto has found a sudden drop in his numbers. 

Soto hit .285 with 23 home runs and 86 RBIs last year and started the All-Star game.  Currently Soto is hitting .227 with six homers and 21 RBIs.

Fans and writers felt it was a sophomore slump until they saw his lovely lady lumps and his budonkadonk behind.  This led to a full investigation as to who was reverse pick-pocketing Soto's mouth. 

The Burger King was the first to be brought in and, although police said he had sneaky grin on his face, turned out to be clean.    

The Chicago Police Department issued apologies to all hot dog, pizza, and Italian beef establishments questioned in the extension of Soto's stomach, which seems to still be growing.  This leads police to believe he is still "rocking the ganja".

Further reports show Soto never partaking in any kind of D.A.R.E class while in grade school.   

The World Baseball Classic used to be about baseball, but now it is just about exchanging drugs beyond the baseball border.