Kobe Warns LeBron Of Shaq’s Shadow
Note – this is not an actual email from Kobe to Lebron.
Dear Bron Bron,
How’s your summer, big man? Sorry it took so long to get back to you about Shaq, but I was too busy recreating my image for the upcoming season. Seriously, it’s an arduous task. Spike Lee’s movie was the first step in humanizing myself, and now everyone thinks I’m the greatest thing to happen to the hardwood since MJ. It’s great. Don’t worry, you’ll get there soon.
Man, I gotta tell you that having Shaq on board your team is going to be huge. He may be getting old, but you can’t argue with 17.8 points and 8.4 boards per game right? And no offense to your man, Big Z, but he ain’t gettin’ the job done. You’re gonna have a great season next year, but I gotta warn you about something.
See, when I came in to the league as a young kid, I thought it was going to be easy. And for the most part, it was. Shaq had my back after all; he was like my big brother. Sure when he left for Miami in 2004, everyone thought it was me crying like a baby because I wanted to be the star. Who doesn’t want to be the star? Certainly you and I both know the big money if you’re a marquee guy.
The problem is that I spent five years shaking the “can’t win without Shaq” tag line. You know how hard it is to average 29.4 points per game through five seasons and still get crap about it? Lucky for me I got Pau Gasol last season, and we made some good noise last year.
Thing is, from one vet to a young buck, I just wanted to tell you that while you may be singing Dixie that Shaq has got your back, I gotta warn you that if you win the championship this year, then it’s going to haunt you unless you win without him right away. Trust me – I’ve been the best player in the league for what seems like forever, and you got the stuff too. Just make sure that Shaq doesn’t steal your lime light.
You may be the new favorites to take the Eastern Conference, but I ain’t gonna make it easy for you or Shaq to take my championship away from me. And even if you win, you’re going to lose because once you don’t have Shaq it’s “can he do it without him” talk for years until you do.
Good luck, bro. See you in the NBA Finals.
p.s. – how dope are our Nike puppet commercials?!