Ichiro, Griffey Jr. and Branyan Announce New MLB Franchise (Satire)

(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Major League Baseball officials reported the Seattle Offense declined to partake in an expansion draft, instead relying on a preliminary roster which features only Branyan, Griffey Jr., and Ichiro.

"Filling out a scorecard is going to be a stretch," Charlon conceded. "As of now we have Ichiro penciled in at pitcher, Griffey playing left field, center field and right field, and Russell playing pretty much the entire infield.

"It's a stretch," Charlton admitted, "But it will work out."

There is no word yet concerning who will start at catcher for the Seattle Offense, but Charlton did not deny the current rumors which claim that Mariner Moose will be suiting up at catcher for the Offense.

Regardless of future additions, the current Seattle Offense players are excited about a new playing environment.

"We are doing this for a few reasons," Russell Branyan said Wednesday, "But most importantly we want to see what its like to have a lineup full of competent hitters."

"Imagine that," Ichiro interrupted through his translator, "A lineup that goes Ichiro-Branyan-Griffey instead of Ichiro followed by three guys who should be in the minor leagues."

According to Branyan, the idea came about after a 2-1 victory over the Minnesota Twins on June 6.

"Ichiro, Griff, and I were sitting around after the game and got to talking about how [the Mariners] offense was performing," Branyan explained.

"We were looking at the stat sheet and realized that on that night we accounted for over sixty percent of our team's hits."

"It was bad," Griffey said of the June 6 game, "Ichiro and I were actually leaving notes on the bases which made fun of Adrian [Beltre]."

"It's not as mean as you think," Griffey said in defense.

"It's not like [Beltre] was ever going to get on base to see them. Regardless of the notes, we knew something had to be done."

Ichiro declined to talk about how the idea came to be, instead focusing on what the Seattle Offense can accomplish.

"All three of us just want to win," Ichiro said through his translator.

"And in baseball, in order to win, you need players who can hit the ball."

"Russell, Griffey, and I decided to take the best hitters on our team and move on. Unfortunately we found that there was no one else who qualified to join us."

The Seattle Offense expect to begin play on July 16, following the All-Star break.

The Seattle Mariners declined to comment on the issue.

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