Yes, the title of the next chapter of the hypothetical tome entitled MLB Injuries just has to be "Matt Cain's Harrowing Adventure with a Ham and Cheese Sandwich."
For the uninitiated, Cain is currently on the disabled list healing after suffering a cut to his right index finger. However, it's the manner he was cut that might intrigue you.
Here are some items from Schulman's piece, including quotes from Cain:
As you can imagine, Cain is getting a lot of grief for the knife accident, especially since we have been writing that he cut himself “trying” to make a sandwich, as if he could not complete that simple act.
Cain wants it known that he had finished the ham-and-cheese sandwich and grabbed the knife so he could cut it.
“I went to cut it, to make it fancy in triangles,” he said. When he dropped the knife he tried to catch it, and now he is on the DL for the second time in his career. The first time, last August, he was struck by a line drive.
“One of them was a freak accident and one of them was my own stupidity,” he said.
So if you had Cain in your dumb-injury pool at work, go ahead and collect with confidence.
First off, don't try to catch knives, which should go up there with don't put out grease fires with your face on the list of things we didn't think we had to ever write.
If a knife falls to the floor, do what we do and get out of the way. Honestly, there shouldn't have to be an instructional video on the subject.
When it comes to baseball players, however, we really think there should be a 40-part series on how to walk, eat and live normally outside baseball without suffering immediate harm.
Second, we have to give it to Cain for having a great sense of humor about the entire ordeal. You are asking for grief from fans, media and teammates any time you fit "fancy triangles" into a DL description.
Schulman writes that he showed Cain a picture of a plastic sandwich-triangle cutter (something we didn't know existed) and followed with, "I showed it to Matt Cain and he howled in laughter, saying, 'That’s beautiful.'"
And really, cutting sandwiches into triangles is neither worth it nor fancy. We aren't sure when it was necessary to dress up our sandwiches before tearing them down. It's like wearing a tux to Coachella. We all know where this is headed anyway, so forego the niceties.
Deadspin's Barry Petchesky added, "Some would tell you that Cain's mistake was trying to catch a falling knife. I motion that sandwich triangles are inappropriate for anyone over 11 years of age, and this was the universe's way of backing me up."
Now this is the part where we would normally remind you of all the inane injuries suffered by players in the past, of which there are many.
Instead, we would just like to encourage fans to watch the disabled list, which doubles as a comedy respite for those who enjoy such things.
Cain, thankfully, seems to be ready to take the bump Saturday, putting all of this mess behind him.
The very unfortunate part of this story is that there is an MLB player walking the clubhouse this very moment who is about to make one very ridiculous decision, landing him on the DL for hilarious reasons.
These guys throw the baseball with insane accuracy, smash towering home runs and mystify with crazy talent. But if they try to make a sandwich, walk away, because something bad is about to happen.
Hit me up on Twitter: Follow @gabezal
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!