New Oregon Duck Uniforms Introduced! (Humor)
The Oregon Ducks, a fashion leader in Pac-10 football, have done it again! They have rolled out new uniforms for 2009.
The uniforms, designed by Nike with input from the players themselves feature Nike's patented "Pro Combat" pads and titantium belt loops (instead of the heavier steel belt loops of uniforms past).
With an endless number of home and away uniform combinations, not even head coach Chip Kelly will know what colors the team will ultimately wear onto the field until a few minutes before kickoff.
"The precise uniform combination for each home and away game will be sent by secret code from Nike's headquarters to University athletic department officials who have been sworn to secrecy," said an Oregon athletic department official, who is not authorized to speak on the subject of Oregon Duck uniforms.
From there, highly-trained chimpanzees will respond to a series of blinking lights on the code box in the Oregon Ducks locker room.
Rewarded with bananas for pushing the right buttons, one of 384 storage lockers will open where each unique uniform combination is stored. The chimps then place a complete uniform in front of each player's locker.
"The entire process is sheer genius," an anonymous Oregon official said.
New Oregon Duck Football Helmet is State of the Art
In addition to new uniforms, Oregon has rolled out its new helmets for the 2009 season as well.
According to Nike, Oregon employs "the fastest playing uniforms in college football," so a new football helmet with advanced technology was also needed to match the state-of-the-art capabilities of the new Duck threads.
Given the speed at which Oregon players travel on the field, this seasons new helmets employ quantum physics and nanotechnology to ensure that Oregon running backs and wide receivers don't accidentally disrupt the space-time continuum while making a play running at blazing warp speed.
"The electro-vision screen on the front of the helmet allows me to see the ball better," said an Oregon player, who asked to remain anonymous as he is not authorized to speak about the new helmet.
"The built-in motion tracker device (seen on the side of the helmet) will alert me to speed up or slow down to catch the ball dependent upon wind and field conditions," he added.
"It also sends an audio tone indicating the presence of opposing players to make me more aware of my surroundings on the field of play".
The famous Oregon "O" will not be on this years version, as University of Oregon Aeronautical Engineering graduate students calculated that the decal added unnecessary weight and created a coefficient of drag equal to the square root of pi.
Nike is working with the Oregon athletic department to find a way to project the logo on the side of each helmet of ball players when they are on TV using a series of green micro-lasers positioned all around Autzen stadium.
Nike is apparently also considering adding active noise cancelling head phones inside the helmet to eliminate the taunts of fans and the sounds of wooden duck calls often heard at opposing venues.
New Ducks Uniforms Feature Velcro to Keep the Team Together
Special velcro will keep the team very close together during important pre-game and halftime team meetings.
"We realized what happened to Oregon State last year when somehow, the entire defensive unit of the Beavers missed the team bus before the season finale and civil war game" said one Duck player. As a result, Oregon State was routed by the Ducks and missed a chance to win the Pac-10 conference title.
"We subscribe to the theory that the team that STICKS together, wins together" added another Duck player.
Nike calls their special velcro "Power Grab".
Earlier experiments with Duck Tape failed so Nike went back to the Velcro approach.
Duck Uniforms the Envy of Every Pac-10 Team
Last year's top NFL draft choice Mark Sanchez of USC was even heard saying that if he had to do it all over again, he would have opted for Oregon over USC just to wear all the cool uniform combinations the Ducks wear in a single Pac-10 season.
It is rumored that University of Oregon officials are attempting to lobby the NCAA to allow uniform changes at halftime.
"It is not that we get sweaty or anything as the patented Nike Wicking technology pulls the heat and moisture away from our bodies but we would like the different look each half" said an Oregon Duck player who asked to remain anonymous as he is not authorized to discuss uniform related issues.
Duck Uniforms Said to Have Magnetic Powers
Ever notice how Oregon Duck defenders seem to have an uncanny ability to hone in on opposing players and gang tackle them in their tracks?
Think it is pure athleticism or team spirit only?
Think again. The Duck uniforms contain numerous electro-magnets that are sewn into the uniform shoulder pads. They appear to be superficial decorations on the uniforms but actually serve a vital purpose.
Designed by Nike and called the "X-Men" device (named after famed Marvel super hero cartoon characters), the technology enables a higher level of play on the field by otherwise mere mortal men.
The precise sequence of applying energy to the magnets is a top secret known only to Nike uniform engineers, referred to as "Unifeers" but however it is done, the magnets magically draw Duck defenders together towards opposing players who are carrying the ball. NCAA footballs have microscopic trace elements of iron in the synthetic cover which attracts the magnets in the Ducks uniforms to opposing players carrying the ball.
The result is electrifying.
Duck Uniform Magnets Still Have a Few Bugs
On occasion, the tiny electro-magnets in the Duck uniforms malfunction causing what looks like exuberant celebrations among players when actually, they are just defying gravity - thanks to their super modern Nike uniforms!
Ironically, the Duck Uniforms Are Not Waterproof
When playing the Cal Bears last season in Berkeley, the Ducks looked mighty waterlogged against a far superior team in Cal on that day.
Fortunately for the Ducks, they still finished ahead of the Bears in the final NCAA rankings due to a still flawed ranking system which fails to properly weight head to head competition when ranking teams at seasons end.
The Ducks are considering inserting Huggie Diapers inside the uniforms for rainy games next season.
Preview of 2010 Oregon Ducks Uniform
Still in the works at Nike's top secret Oregon Ducks Uniform lab, located deep within virgin forests of Oregon in an underground bat cave is this spandex beauty.
"We see athletes as artists and desire to bring out the beauty of athletic compeition in the uniforms they wear" said an anonymous Nike Unifeer (sort of like a Disney Imagineer except Unifeers design uniforms for the Oregon Ducks).
This uniform is expected to be a top contender for the Ducks new uniforms for the 2010 season.
Here's to the Oregon Ducks
An Oregon football player is shown raising an offering to the Greek God Nike.
Nike was the peaceful Goddess of Victory, both in battle and in peaceful competition.
I hope you enjoyed my slide show, done in humor, with no offense to a talented football team, athletic program and a fine University at that.
The University of Oregon Ducks.
No offense to Nike either. They are keeping things lively in Oregon when it comes to uniforms.
Does Nike supply the unforms for Boise State too?
With that said....GO BEARS!