Hello, and welcome to the 2014 College Football Coaches Mock Draft.
By now you’ve looked at roughly 4,796 mock drafts—none of which will come close to resembling the actual NFL draft by pick No. 4. It’s this realization that has prompted us to take a futile exercise and turn the knob a bit further.
Forget about drafting players; we’re making a mockery of such mocks by drafting college coaches.
Yes, I regret to inform you that all of your college teams’ top headset-wearing generals have been tossed into a free-agent pool. The good news is Jon Gruden will now coach all of your teams, though. So at least you have that going for you.
As for this very important exercise, here are the rules: There are no rules.
The NFL team slotted to pick in this year’s NFL draft position will select a college coach instead of a player. The teams with two picks in the first round—St. Louis and Cleveland—will have the honor of adding a college coach as an offensive and defensive coordinator. This is—SPOILER ALERT—wonderful news for Will Muschamp’s agent.
Without further delay, here is the first round of the College Football Coaches Mock Draft followed by your predictable outrage over various omissions.
(And yes, this is satire. Your coach is still your coach as far as we know. Enjoy.)