Are you a horse expert? Have you been paying attention to all the major stakes this year?
Good for you. That’s phenomenal. Grab your mint julep and stumble on, because this article is for the rest of us—the wide-eyed wonderers who tune in once a year for the Kentucky Derby and cheer for horses based on their name.
The field at this year’s race is a relatively anonymous crowd to some of the recent runnings. The favorite, California Chrome, comes from an unheralded bloodline and has only recent hit a hot streak of wins. In short, there’s plenty of questions about the frontrunner’s ability to win, making the arbitrary act of picking horses by moniker more useful than ever.
Here at the top five contenders for the 2014 Kentucky, based solely on the awesomeness of their name.
Honorable Mention: Uncle Sigh
I’m not picturing this as a Duck Dynasty reference. I’m envisioning this as your uncle (the fun one) coming back from the bar at 3 a.m. only to find out you and your brothers ate all the frozen pizzas.
At this point he sighs, and suddenly whole the room smells like Bushmills and Club Mix. You never forget that odor.
5. Wicked Strong (8-1)
Yea! Go Baaawwston!
4. Intense Holiday (12-1)
An intense holiday is when you get cocky at the hotel raw bar and pay for it the next day when the kids want to go parasailing.
Look out below!
3. Candy Boy (20-1)
It’s good to know that committed New Edition fans continue to roam the earth 30 years after their big hit.
2. Danza (10-1)
If only Danza’s owners had the good sense to place “Tony” in front of their horse’s name, this horse would be a shoo-in for the No. 1 spot.
A thoroughbred named “Tony Danza” would crush the competition by 10 to 12 lengths and trot into the winner’s circle as the crowd alters the words to "Tiny Dancer" to suit the moment.
Alas, Danza only meets half of these requirements, and cannot be crowned the top spot.
1. General A Rod (15-1)
I like picturing Alex Rodriguez riding this horse dressed up like Muammar Gaddafi and saluting a long line of Yankees fans who have turned their backs on him.
“Go home, General A Rod. You’re drunk.” [Slaps heels together].
And there you have it, a completely unscientific ranking of the best horses at the Kentucky Derby. I personally guarantee that one of these horses will
win this year’s race place.
All hail the General!