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After Andrea Pirlo, 5 Footballers Who Must Write an Autobiography

Ryan BaileyFeatured ColumnistApril 15, 2014

After Andrea Pirlo, 5 Footballers Who Must Write an Autobiography

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    Massimo Pinca

    Today is a joyous day, as one of the world's greatest footballers—and human beings—has released his autobiography in English.

    Andrea Pirlo's elegantly titled I Think Therefore I Play contains details of the time Pep Guardiola tried to court him, his own opinion of pressure and potentially playing for Real Madrid. Outlets like The Huffington Post UK pointed out some of the more memorable excerpts (including some NSFW language), and it also features the immortal line: "If God exists, there's no way he's French."

    As yet another footballer releases a must-read tome, here are five players we hope will write autobiographies in the near future... 

Pepe

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    Gabriel Pecot

    By all accounts, Pepe is a gentleman and a scholar away from the field, but once the whistle blows, he becomes the angriest man in the world. 

    We need to hear what the Portuguese centre-back was thinking when he assaulted Getafe's Javier Casquero and punched Juan Angel Albin in the face on the way to a 10-match ban.

    What was his motivation for stamping on Leo Messi's hand? How does he deal with being a tough guy who also collapses like a deck chair in a storm? Would the fourth chapter be entitled "RARRRRRRRRR!" and contain nothing but visceral screaming noises?

    Rumour has it Pepe has attempted to start an autobiography several times but so far has ended up smashing six MacBook Pros to pieces.  

Nicklas Bendtner

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    Paul Gilham/Getty Images

    As one of the greatest sportsmen the world has ever known, Nicklas Bendtner is doing his legions of fans a disservice by denying them a tell-all autobiography thus far.

    Titled Lord of the Danes: The Fellowship of the Bendtner, the book could tell us all about the career average of 4.7 goals per season that has made him a superstar.

    He could also give the reader lessons in how to feel better about themselves—who better to do that than a man with record-breaking self-confidence?  

    Away from the field, Nicky B. could also share details of his impressive wardrobe and his secrets for successfully hailing a cab on a busy night out. 

Mario Balotelli

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    Gabriele Maltinti/Getty Images

    So much has been written about Mario Balotelli over the years that myth and reality have blurred into a single entity. 

    There are so many questions that need answering and incidents that need cleaning up: Is he actually allergic to grass? Why did he treat Man City youth players as human dartboards? Did he ever master the art of putting a bib on?

    This is clearly going to be a very long book.  

    Some might say that a 23-year-old can't have experienced enough to write an autobiography, but the Italian striker is clearly the exception to this rule.

    Besides, if Katie Price can have four autobiographies, there's no reason Super Mario can't write one every year for the rest of his days. 

Cristiano Ronaldo

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    Clive Rose/Getty Images

    Cristiano Ronaldo, the world's second-greatest player (behind Nicklas Bendtner) has not yet written a book about his life.

    The two-time World Player of the Year needs to let us know how difficult it is being a handsome millionaire with incredible sporting talent and a Sports Illustrated-cover model girlfriend.

    It could be called Ronaldo: My Life Is Significantly Better Than Yours

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

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    Robin Parker/Getty Images

    Benoit Assou-Ekotto has made it to the very top of the professional game without caring very much about it. 

    In a 2013 interview with the Guardian's David Hytner, Benny said he had little interest in talking about football and that he wasn't even aware that Luis Suarez had bitten Branislav Ivanovic. Furthermore, when Paulinho joined Spurs last summer, the French defender admitted he had never heard of him

    Assou-Ekotto also drives a Smart car and only has the numbers of two other players in his phone.

    Essentially, he is the anti-footballer.

    His autobiography wouldn't contain too many anecdotes about getting geared up for big matches (he often doesn't know which team he is playing until the day of the match) but reading the thoughts of a man who refuses to buy into the Premier League dream would be fascinating.

    Even if those thoughts were about gardening or stamp collecting. 

     

    Follow me on Twitter @RyanJayBailey

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