Welcome to The Onion Bag, your primary source for weird and wonderful football news.
First up today, there's a bizarre Argentinean love triangle raging in Serie A that rivals John Terry and Wayne Bridge's antics of a few years ago.
Next, we head to Yorkshire, where new Leeds owner Massimo Cellino has been paranoid enough to order a security team to sweep Elland Road for covert filming equipment. Apparently, his paranoia was justified.
Finally, Pele's latest attempt to sell you something involves diamonds and his own hair.