In a courageous display of grace and calm under both pressure and the influence, local man Steve Barnes led his softball team, the Local 47 Loudmouths, to their second consecutive Union League championship last night.
Showing incredible batting prowess and lung capacity, Barnes rocked both pitches and bongs throughout the evening, all the while maintaining the presence of a cold, refreshing beer in his right hand. Teammates and opponents alike marveled at Barnes’ ability to actually play better when completely off his ass.
“Stevie is a strange one,” mused Joe Lawrence, first baseman for Local 47. “I mean, sober and straight, he’s a half-assed softball player, ya know? But get the guy a buzz, or better yet, get him right fucked up, and all the sudden we’ve got Justin-freakin-Morneau out there.”
Known for his high alcohol tolerance and ability to smoke copious amounts of ganja, Barnes wasn’t considered much of a threat by his opponent, Local 142 after news of a recent lifestyle change. “I’d heard Stevie quit drinking a month ago,” said 142 captain Mitch Rutherford. “Shit, with Stevie on the wagon, we knew those Loudmouths didn’t have a shot. The guy is a terrible athlete when he’s right. But once I saw him crack a beer and moon our fans, I knew we were in big trouble.”
The game was close going into the bottom of the 7th and final inning, with 142 holding a one-run lead. Barnes was coming up with two outs and a man on third. He was stumbling and slurring and quite obnoxiously drunk, but his teammates feared he wasn’t quite tuned up enough. In what has since been called a “stroke of managerial genius” 47 manager Jimmy “Big Teeth” Watson rigged up a “Time-Bong” for Barnes. The “Time Bong” sees the recipient smoke a bong, hold in the smoke while taking a drink of some kind (in this case a full beer through a funnel) and then blowing out the smoke after taking the drink.
Barnes hit the “Time Bomb” like a champ, after which he stumbled violently, belched horribly while holding his hand over his mouth, and then ripped his shirt off and screamed profanity toward the heavens and the stunned crowd. He grabbed his bat, walked to plate, fell down, got up, took the first pitch, fell down again, vomited slightly at the back of the backstop, wiped it on his uniform sleeve, swung at a pitch that wasn’t there for strike one, and then crushed the third offering over the centre field fence to give Local 47 a walk-off victory.
The Loudmouths stormed the field in celebration, hoisting Barnes onto their shoulders, at which point the sloppy MVP passed out and fell heavily to the ground, asleep.