Abstain From Baseball? Watch Your Mouth

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Abstain From Baseball? Watch Your Mouth
(Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Just because the Phillies were off yesterday doesn’t mean I have to stop writing about them. I’m a babe and I’m Irish. That means I can’t stop my obsession with boys and I can’t stop talking—but not necessarily in that order. 

 

But when my husband asked if I could abstain from baseball for just one day, I was speechless.

 

Abstain?

 

What kind of question is that?

 

“When’s the last time you abstained?” I asked.

 

No answer.

 

That’s what I thought.

 

Besides, I don’t think abstinence works. I’ve read that right-wingers are big on it, and I also recently read an article about how “big on that” they are.  It said Texas leads the union in funding for abstinence-only education, yet surprisingly it also leads the nation in teenage pregnancies.

 

I wonder what the point is.

 

You want to know what I think? 

 

I’ll tell you anyway. 

 

The problem is the campaign is directed at girls.  Allow me to explain.  

 

Girls are estrogen mongers. We’re designed to love.  Without it, baseball players, coaches, commentators, owners, vendors, and most importantly—fans—wouldn’t exist.

 

Neither would jewelry.

 

All babes sell their souls for chocolate, but real babes sell their souls for baseball.  So to tell a real babe to abstain from baseball is like telling Jayson Werth to stop posing for the hotties along the right field seats as he saunters out to his position.

 

And it’s not that I think he should stop that either. I don’t mind him posing—I’m stalking him through my binoculars, but only because it’s illegal to touch him.

 

I’m sorry. Was I thinking out loud?

 

Baseball babes come in heat at the start of spring training, and stay at the ready until the last out in the Series. That’s the real biological clock and it’ll tick no matter what.  If you want Jayson to stop being a man, feed him saltpeter, but don’t be surprised when he loses his desire for everything.

 

So, you can try to take the babe out of baseball, but you’ll never take the baseball out of the babe. 

 

What do you do? 

 

Show her how to be smart about it. 

 

Teach her what hustle is by watching Shane Victorino, or show her how to avoid getting caught with your pants down on a fake throw by Chase Utley. Or let her see how older guys like Raul Ibanez can still get it on in left field and at the plate through sheer effort, or how Ryan Howard improved his game and why it’s so important to believe you can. 

 

Like John Mayer said—fathers, be good to your daughters.

 

Take her to the ballpark and teach her how to believe in her team. Give her an outlet for her enthusiasm. Show her how to think for herself and not follow the fans who boo the other team instead of cheering for their own. And teach her why it’s so important to listen to coaches to get safely around the bases.

 

Most of all, show her how sometimes things aren’t going as planned, but that doesn’t mean the season won’t turn around.

 

The last thing I’ll say is, if Texas secedes from the union, I hope Ruben Amaro gets a free trade agreement with them. It’d be nice to pick up right-handed home run slugger, Nelson Cruz. 

 

Like I tell my husband, you can appreciate my opinion or tell me to shut up about it, but don’t ask me to stop dreaming about the game.

 

Remember, there’s no abstinence in baseball.

 

Peace.

 

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