Joke Of The Day: USA Soccer

AustinCorrespondent IJune 16, 2009

A message to USA soccer: you don’t get participation trophies in international competition. This is not a girl’s Junior Varsity soccer program even though you play like it is. 

You can’t cover your chest like the girls do when you go to chest a ball.

This isn’t like the recreational league you used to play in when you were eight. There are no halftime snacks and offsides is a rule now. You can’t wear long pants over your shin guards even if it is cold outside.

After a 3-1 loss to Costa Rica, a 2-1 win over Honduras, and another 3-1 loss to Italy, it is now clear to me what the US’s game plan is: draw a penalty and hope for the best. In its last three games, the US has been able to score on a penalty. This is great if you are Landon Donovan because that is the only way he can get his goals. 

Donovan needs to quit gelling his hair and spend that time practicing. That little hobbit is about as useful as a penny. He’s shaped like a duck, which makes it look like he wobbles instead of runs. He needs to get off my field and out of my sight. He should seriously consider changing his name, quitting and then moving to Canada.

Random fact: Michael Bradley only plays because his dad is the coach.

Another random fact: Frankie Hejduk looks like a caveman.

“USA! USA! USA!” Wow, what a stupid cheer. Never heard that one before. How original.

Does anybody know why Marvel Wynne is even on the team? I don’t. I don’t even know who he plays for. Watch the replay of him against Costa Rica if you want a good laugh.

It’s hilarious. He’s not even good. Even by girls JV soccer standard he is still only average.

Why haven’t I heard of half of our team? Does Bob Bradley go to a recreational league and recruit? Oh wait…yes he does. It’s called the MLS. He might as well hold an open tryout for our national team.

Here are our only good players: Clint Dempsey (Fulham), Tim Howard (Everton), Jozy Altidore (Villarreal). Three players only make a homosexual threesome, not a soccer team.

I can’t wait until Thursday when we play Brazil. I think we have a fighting chance of beating Brazil. Did I say, “we have a fighting chance of beating Brazil”?

Whoops, what I meant to say is that we have a fighting chance of crossing the midfield line and we have a decent chance of limiting Brazil to 10 goals, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Our women’s team is better than our men’s...there is no joke there, so don't laugh.

I would have put a humor tag on this, but since I’m dead serious—I chose not to.