However, a solution is at hand.
The 52-year-old can stay home and play a special Pardew-themed Football Manager 2014 bundle, complete with a free anger manangement class and a stress ball.
The copy goes on sale in GAME in Newcastle at 3 p.m. on Saturday—just the moment that the Toon's game away at Fulham is due to get underway.
Staff have also prepared themselves with crash helmets just in case Pardew turns up:
Of course, this may be a risky ploy. The simulator Football Manager has been so addictive for fans of the game that it has been cited, as per The Herald back in 2012, in 35 divorce cases.
Whether it would keep Pardew calm—even with a stress ball and anger management—is up for debate.