A handy guide to all the different types of douchebags you're likely to encounter while trying to enjoy fantasy baseball:
They’re All Highway Miles, I Promise– Generally targets your best player and then offers you three guys from his bench for him. These three guys are almost always a combination of Esteban Loaiza, Chris Denorfia, and Jason Michaels and are immediately dropped once you reject the trade offer, as if to say “I don’t even care about hiding the fact that I just lowballed you like you were born yesterday with massive birth defects.”
Do As I Say, Not As I Do – Refuses to trade—or even discuss trading—his top players, while constantly asking for all of yours.
One Man’s Trash is Another Man’s…Treasure? – When the fantasy league has a “trading block” function, this is the asshole who just puts every single player from his bench on the block and then lazily waits, as if anyone would ever offer him a starter for guys who couldn’t crack any of the top 23 slots in his lineup.
Black Hole– Here’s a fun game: send this guy a trade offer and simultaneously respond to a woman’s personal ad on Craigslist and see if either one comes back before your first Social Security check arrives. While you may delude yourself into thinking that they’re actually thinking the deal over for a week, any of your last hopes are dashed as the system auto-cancels your trade offer after too many days elapse. Bonus: Another fun game is to take your birthday, count back nine months, and see which day your parents made you. Okay, just kidding, that’s not a fun game after all. Especially if your birthday is November 14.
Too Much Time on His Hands – As soon as a player so much as hits a home run or is mentioned somewhere on the Internet as a sleeper, this unemployed fantasy manager immediately swoops in and picks the player up, usually in the middle of the day while you’re sitting in a client meeting actually doing something more productive than managing a fake baseball team. Some of the guys end up panning out, but you never have a chance at them because this douche doesn’t need a job to pay the rent on his parents’ basement.
Silence is Golden – This guy doesn’t utter one peep all season long. No trash talking, no trade offers, no witty banter…nothing. He just robotically moves active players in and idle players out of his lineup, not realizing that that one chess-playing computer could do the same thing and can probably be programmed with jokes too.
Premature Ejaculation – This manager gives up on his team halfway through the season. Somehow, he still usually beats you. Funny how that works out sometimes.