20 Things Wayne Rooney Can Spend His New Manchester United Millions on
Now he earns even more money.
The England star is now set to earn £300,000 per week until he is 33, making him one of the best paid footballers in the world. If you wish to be momentarily depressed, you can see exactly what he is earning in real time here.
Rooney has been a Premier League star for over a decade, so he has almost certainly run out of things he can spend his disposable income on. Fortunately, B/R is here to give him some suggestions.
Copies of His Own Autobiography
The matter was settled out of court, with Rooney offering £500,000 in compensation and an apology.
Since Rooney is committed to the United cause and the club are showing no signs of abandoning Moyes, perhaps the striker should send someone to every Waterstones in the country to buy up the last few copies of the tome. It might make things a bit less awkward.
Rooney displayed Benjamin Button-esque reverse ageing in 2011 when he had his first hair transplant.
Now that the 28-year-old has an appropriate amount of coverage on his cranium, the next natural step is hair extensions.
We know that Rooney's vanity extends to hair extensions, but would it allow him to get botox?
Kieran Corcoran of The Daily Mail has speculated that Rooney had a skin-smoothing injection, arguing that the worry lines of his forehead are no more. But the argument is based on an older picture where he is quite clearly frowning, so this might be completely made up.
Either way, regular botox injections are well within his budget.
With a pack of cigarettes setting you back around £7 to £8 these days, smoking is an expensive habit, as well as a filthy one.
Wayne is renowned for his love of ciggies, and they are a product whose price is constantly increasing. Perhaps he should buy bulk stocks of cigarettes and sell them at market value later down the line. A bit like the mafia.
He could reap the profits and perhaps keep a few boxes for himself.
When he isn't playing in an international tournament, Rooney loves to spend his summers working on his sunburn in Las Vegas.
If there is a quicker place on earth to lose £300,000 in a very short amount of time, we've yet to hear of it.
Coins to Throw Back at Fans
During Manchester United's recent visit to Crystal Palace, home fans threw coins at Wayne Rooney, which was either a sophisticated statement on the state of the modern game or the work of mindless idiots.
In the future, Rooney could attend away trips with a wheelbarrow full of pound coins. It could be an anti-establishment method of wealth distribution and a great way of hospitalising some of his detractors.
An Obnoxiously Expensive Man Bag
When Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale met for the first time in Real Madrid's Cuidad car park, they showed the world how obscenely paid international footballers should spend their cash: expensive man bags.
The Real Madrid stars had Louis Vuitton and Gucci wash bags tucked under their arms. No one knows what footballers keep in the bags (that for some reason cannot be carried by an assistant), but they are the essential footballer accessory.
Rooney needs to dump the Crocs and Tesco bag and get hold of some designer jeans and an absurdly expensive wash bag. We've not seen one more expensive than the Woodland black leather wash bag, which retails for more than $3,000 (£1,800).
Rent the Stereophonics as an In-House Band
The Stereophonics are Wayne Rooney's favourite band.
He has a non-ironic Just Enough Education To Perform tattoo on his forearm, the band played his wedding reception, and Jody Thompson of the Mirror alleged he once had his jaw broken at one of their concerts trying to steal a t-shirt.
Once, this writer attended a 'Phonics show in Camden only to see Rooney in a baggy hoodie bobbing his head a few rows back. True story.
The hits dried up long ago, so perhaps Rooney should simply hire Kelly Jones et al. to become his private house band—who literally just play in his house whenever he asks them to.
Boxing Lessons with Amir Khan
Wayne Rooney is a big fan of boxing, admitting to Champions magazine (h/t insideworldsoccer.com) that he likes to punch things as a means of "getting rid of some anger."
Perhaps he should hire Amir Khan as a sparring partner. Not only is the welterweight star relatively local in Bolton, but he is also feeling fairly angry right now after losing out on a pay-day fight with Floyd Mayweather.
Hire Max Clifford
Allegations about Rooney's private life have damaged his public reputation and even cost him endorsement deals.
The Liverpudlian could put out many of the fires his private life has caused by hiring a Public relations guru like Max Clifford.
The high-profile spin specialist told BBC Sport that Rooney's 2010 contract saga was a "public relations disaster" and even appeared to represent the interests of a prostitute looking to cash in on an encounter with him.
Clearly, he needs to get Clifford on his side by means of a very expensive retainer. Or alternatively, he could stop doing silly things in his private life.
Buy a McLaren P1
A Premier League footballer is only as good as the car he turns up to training in. If Rooney wants to drop a serious amount of cash and make a big impression at Carrington, he should put his name down on the list for a McLaren P1.
Like Rooney, the P1 is British, very expensive ($1.15 million or £690,000, according to MSN Autos) and capable of sublime performance in the right conditions.
The incredible car sold out almost as fast as it went on sale, which means Roo will have to drop some extra cash to pick one up.
Subcontracting His Work
When a business gets big, they start to subcontract their work out. Rooney should apply the same principle to his work.
If he doesn't fancy a cold Tuesday night in Stoke, subcontract the strike position out to a young hungry youth prospect, or promise Danny Welbeck £150,000 to go to work for him.
If that summer promotional trip to the Far East looks like it's getting in the way of holiday plans, hire this steward to go instead.
Recreate 'Brewster's Millions'
In the 1985 comedy Brewster's Millions, Richard Pryor's Monty Brewster had to spend $30 million in 30 days for some implausible reason.
If Rooney fancies a laugh, perhaps he should spend a month trying to recreate the concept. Without supervision, though, it is highly likely he would get confused and end up buying millions of Ginsters slices.
Dive the Titanic
Buy Property in Singapore
According to the BBC, Singapore is now the most expensive place in the world to live in and also the dearest place to buy clothes.
While Manchester United are busy not being in the latter stages of the Champions League, maybe Rooney could head out to the Southeast Asian country and snap up a penthouse suite?
A World Cup Half-Time Advert
Rooney has starred in plenty of big-budget commercials that are shown during World Cups and European Championships campaigns.
Perhaps Wayne should buy the entire break during one of England's World Cup games, with The Guardian suggesting such a high-profile placement would cost between £350,000 and £500,000.
How would he fill the advert slot? Perhaps he could spend the whole time making slanderous statements about David Moyes, which would open yet another lawsuit and soak up some more of his income.
Renewing His Wedding Vows
On June 12, the first day of the 2014 World Cup, Wayne and Coleen Rooney celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. This year also marks the 10th anniversary of his first prostitute scandal. Doesn't time fly?
England don't play until two days later, so why not take time out to recreate their lavish ceremony in Genoa on the beaches of Brazil? The original big day is thought to have cost £5 million, and one would expect it to cost at least as much in a World Cup-hosting nation.
Go to Outer Space
Wayne Rooney is at his best when he has plenty of space, so he would probably love heading up above the atmosphere in a civilian flight.
A seat on a Virgin Galactic craft costs $250,000, but he might get a discount. Given the Red Devils' predilection for ridiculous sponsorship deals, they are almost certainly the Official Spaceflight Provider of Manchester United.
As you can see from the advert above, Rooney is a superb actor. He makes Alec Baldwin's performance in Glengarry Glen Ross (NSFW link) look like garbage.
Of course, for the same reason he goes to training every day, he would benefit from some pro tips from an acting professional. Alec Baldwin is apparently leaving New York, so perhaps he could be persuaded to move to Cheshire to work on Rooney's craft.
The Respect of Manchester United Fans
Actually, this is something he will never be able to buy.
Rooney traded the chance to be truly adored by the Red Devils faithful on the numerous occasions he has held them to ransom for contract demands.