Sometimes I make random connections: What superhero could beat up on Don Shula's '72 Dolphins? If William "The Refrigerator" Perry was turned into a GI Joe, which GI Joes could take his defensive line position? What kind of world would it be if Drago had beaten Rocky?
Of course, all of these questions need answering but one question that always bothers me is "what musical band/genre defines your sports team?"
I could leave this to the fans to fight about but I'd rather do it myself—you leave it to the fans and every team starts to sound like U2 mixed with Guns N' Roses.
So, in the spirit of Bleacher Report, here's what I think your team's play on the field reminds me of—in musical form.
The Bengals remind me of Van Halen because:
A) They were good in the 80's B) They always have some great players that could do some damage if they put their minds together and C) They, like Eddie Van Halen and co., have some die-hard fans.
I was going to say like Eddie Van Halen, they've got a cancer that is holding them back from doing anything pertinent since the 90's, but making fun of Mike Brown and his inability to fill his father's shoes is just mean.
"Runnin' with the Devil"
"This is side one, flip me over," Cubs. Chicago Cubs are the definition of heartbreak (this might be the year!) and the moody melodies of Patrick Stump and the crew of Fallout Boy sit pleasantly together on the train to Sadsville. They also have two natives of Illinois—one makes their fans cry intentionally, and one...well, just makes their fans cry.
I mean, Chicago, how many times have you gotten the chance to go to the big dance just to see it all fall apart? You've been around since 1908 and still only two world series titles? The Cincinnati Reds have been around since 1882 and have five. That's not too far off from you guys, if I'm correct.
Cubs fans are by far loyal to death. And so are emo kids who listen to Fallout Boy. Only difference is that Cubs fans don't cut themselves when they get let down...yet.
Your season ends in August as much as I'm concerned. Go cry in the corner now please.
"Dead on Arrival"
"Sugar We're Going Down"
As a die-hard San Diego Chargers fan, I would like to say as an aside that I truly hate the Oakland Raiders and their fans. They are uncharming, vile and live up to their mascot to a T.
With that said, they have the costumes that would make a Dungeon and Dragons fanboy's glasses fog up (+23 to skills lololololol). Their players are relentless. GWAR would suit them nicely.
Yes, GWAR, the heaviest of the heavy metal bands to ever grace God's green earth. Their stage shows would appeal to the Raider Nation (especially if they killed a mock-Philip Rivers on-stage) and the music would inspire the team in the locker room to get it done on the field.
"You Can't Kill Terror"
"War Is All We Know"
I hate Huey Lewis and the News with a passion most people only reserve for Hitler. With every inch of my being, I dislike his go-easy attitude and songs like "Back in Time" and "Doin' it all for my Baby." The man makes me want to punch anyone wearing sunglasses and day-glo.
Much like my hatred for Mr. Lewis' adventures in song, I dislike the Red Sox. From their Neanderthal-like appearance, their recent World Series wins and rabid mob of supporters irks me. So, it should be fitting that when I think of the BoSox, I think of a man who once had an album made called "Sports."
Damn you Huey Lewis, and curse you Red Sox.
Nothing, Huey Lewis and the News suck.
Gritty, rough, painful to watch and worse to buy tickets for—the New York Islanders. While recent successes have proven to be naught, the Islanders try their darndest to be good. They really do. And die-hard fans would agree with that statement.
Much like the Islanders, the Pixies are like that too. Gritty, angry, a clash of guitars with a drop of surfer-style Pixies were big in the late 1980's and early 1990's before the band broke up amid a clash of egos.
Their recent reunion has brought the band back to the same stage, egos aside, and are decent but still lack what they once had—much like the Islanders of the 1970s and 80s would be saddened to see this team miss the playoffs multiple times in the past decade. The Islanders are a shell of their former selves.
"Where is my Mind?"
"Isla De Encanta"
A group of men led by an aging modern day hero who inspires the world around him to do great things—this sentence can explain both the NY Jets and U2.
Bono and Brett have many things in common: Their names start with "B," enormous groups of people love to watch them, each has an identity crisis/re-invent themselves about every five years and both have sold out to major brands (iPod-Bono and co.; Wrangler- Brett).
Bono is getting old, not Mick Jagger old, but he's getting there, and Brett is on his way too.
Brett, listen to Bono when he says "In the name of love," please retire.
"Sunday, Bloody Sunday"
The Backstreet Boys made a mockery of modern music, turning something beautiful and sacred to many and making it look "pretty." I feel that the Patriots have done the same thing.
Football is gritty, football is tough. IT DOES NOT DO FASHION.
Damn you Tom Brady and damn you New England Patriots. Not only are you good, you make it look easy. I'm surprised you haven't added fireworks and dance numbers to your home games.
"Backstreets Back (Alright!)"
"I Want it That Way"
"Larger Than Life"
Besides the fact that both G Love and the 76ers share a common home in Philly, G Love did a homage to the team in "Spirit of '76." These two go together like bread a butter.
Easy going G Love and the hard-playing 76ers keep it real in their own areas of expertise and keep the city of brotherly love chill and easy going.
Maybe next year they'll make it out of the first round and Philly will have something to love about the 76ers again.
"My Baby's Got Sauce"
"Spirit of 76"
"I like Cold Beverages"
Fast, speedy chords that intertwine with faster lyrical delivery make every Bad Religion song faster than lightning. Angry California punks with dueling electric guitars make you want to punch the nearest wall and run around in a frenzy.
The Chargers make the faithful in San Diego do the same thing—a speedy running game, a solid throwing game and a leader that either makes you want to cheer in victory or yell at him for the less-than-stellar performance.
Much like the Chargers, Bad Religion also makes you angry when they try to "experiment" with new ideas. If I ever have to listen to "Into the Unknown" again, I'll find my way to Cali and smack Greg Graffin in the face myself. The man is smart, but I don't know what they were thinking with that outing.
Also, Rivers might be a "Professor" on the field but Graffin has a PhD from Cornell. So chew on that.
"I Want to Conquer the World"
"New Dark Ages"
P.S. I love Bad Religion. So if any of you read this, please don't hurt me.
Gone before their times were up, in a twister of legal battles and ownership changes, the Beatles and the Seattle SuperSonics went down the same path of destruction. Major hit after major hit for a decade before being downed by legal woes and nosy spouses.
I cant say I like the Oklahoma City Thunder, but they are definitely a different team in my opinion, kind of like Paul McCartney and Wings. I don't dislike them, but I just feel as if something is missing, ya know?