The Most Dangerous YouTube 'Sports'
"But is it sports?"
We face this question every day here in the Swagger division, and many times it comes down to a theoretical debate. Is a dog scoring a goal in pickup soccer be considered "sports"? A ball and a goal are involved, but did the animal make an "athletic play" on the ball? Did it celebrate properly? Was Ray Hudson on the call?
These are deep, divisive questions among sports writers, but at the end of the day, what is and isn't "sports" is a subjective discussion.
What I do know is that there are certain athletic, one-off activities out there that flirt with the realm of sports but are too dangerous and/or painful to ever be considered for mainstream consumption. Thus they seek refuge on the Interwebs.
The following are videos of some of the most dangerous YouTube "sports" out there. Some are (much) more athletic than others, and please, DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME.
Low Tech BASE Jumping
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
"Good form by the young man...Climbs the 'Shop 4 Ballers' cleanly, maintains his tuck and breaks the 20-foot fall with his hip. Quality."
I don't know what's worse—this kid jumping off the roof of a building, or the fact he has "friends" who let him jump off the roofs of buildings.
Fortunately, the cameraman prays for this young man's safety. He also slips in a quick promotion for the video, but try not to let that dissuade you that he's fully invested in this guy's safety.
Warning: Video contains NSFW language and a German dude learning a cruel lesson from Father Winter.
Rule 1 of ice diving: Don't talk about ice diving (in English).
Rule 2 of ice diving: Always go tailbone first when ice diving.
Last but not least—never test the ice water before ice diving. You either break the ice or break your "ash" trying.
You could do something constructive, or you could get on top of your car and ride it into a light post.
The beauty of car surfing is that all its competitors only consider the latter as a viable option.
Shopping Cart Racing
"Coming into the pits is Benny Johnson in the Big Lots cart...probably just grabbing some band-aids and apologizing to his girlfriend for getting drunk and racing shopping carts again..."
As a man who still enjoys riding his shopping cart to the car, I can't knock these downhill dragsters too much.
That said, maybe clear the finish line of bricks before you plunge face-first into it.
Extreme Road Cycling
Skinny wheels present a whole new layer of risk for extreme cyclists.
BMX riders risk life and limb, but unlike road bikers, they're working with equipment made specifically to absorb huge drops.
Daredevil cyclist Martyn Ashton, on the other hand, is hopping down rocky ledges and flipping off sand traps on carbon racing wheels and a carbon frame. Contrary to popular belief, carbon—while usually indestructible—can shatter when pared down and wrapped into a bike frame.
The point is, this could've ended in splinters, a racked groin or a long fall down a rock-lined hill had Ashton bent a wheel or suffered a blowout at the wrong time.
Human beings are neither faster nor stronger than bulls.
Bulls are wild animals who spend the majority of their lives being angry and fornicating, but for some reason we continue to release droves of them into an urban setting in Spain every year just to see what happens.
The Running of the Bulls is extremely dangerous, but it's also the YouTube version of pure opium and will never be outlawed.
Extreme Golf Carting
Just when you thought you and your friends did stupid things with golf carts, these people take it to a level that's more or less inadvisable.
Also, bonus points for the Hulkamania style intro.
While not the most dangerous YouTube sport, drunk speedwalking takes a turn for the risky during the stair climbing portion.
Yes, proper form dictates drunk speedwalkers maintain a 70-degree gangster lean and boozy smile at all times.
While the contest gets a little play in the international media, the majority of us probably first beheld the brutal art of shin kicking while surfing the Internet.
It should be noted that the first shin-kicking competition at Dover's Hill occurred over 400 years ago.
To put that in perspective, four centuries of medical advances and industrial development have washed over the world since the first shin was bruised on this rural English hillock. Many of these competitors are the descendants of farmers and vassal land owners who were kicking each other's shins when kings still ruled the British Isles.
These descendants have smart phones now—smart phones they use to text, "See you at the shin kick, bring pants."
And that, my friends, is amazing.
Extreme Russian Parkour
While the words "insane," "Russian" and "parkour" in the same sentence paint a vivid picture of danger, I still don't think you're ready you for this jelly.
This young man free climbs up the side of tall buildings, does flips on narrow rooftop ledges and basically spits on the very idea of personal safety for the duration of this video.
If you don't feel yourself pucker a few centimeters while watching this, you may be a robot.
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