Exploring the Trade Value for NFL Head Coaches

Alessandro MiglioFeatured ColumnistFebruary 24, 2014

"Simmer down."
"Simmer down."Ben Margot/Associated Press

We might be in the thick of NFL draft season, but there is no shortage of league-wide news. Take the seemingly ludicrous news out of Cleveland from last week, for example.

Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk fame dropped the bombshell story just as the NFL Scouting Combine was getting revved up.

Sources: Browns nearly traded with 49ers for Jim Harbaugh http://t.co/Omg12Odz4N

— ProFootballTalk (@ProFootballTalk) February 21, 2014

It was a bizarre story that strained credulity. Why would Jim Harbaugh leave a good thing in San Francisco—a team rich with talent and draft picks that has competed at the highest level since he arrived—to go to Cleveland, a black hole of football success?

I can see why Jim Harbaugh would want to go to Cleveland. He'd be the most fashionable guy there by a fair margin.

— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) February 21, 2014

The ONLY way a Harbaugh trade makes sense is if there is a major rift between JH and Baalke. For that I'd defer to Maiocco or Kawakami.

— NFL Philosophy (@NFLosophy) February 22, 2014

Of course, the 49ers and Jim Harbaugh himself denied the reports.

@ProFootballTalk @RapSheet is this on the record? Report isn't true

— Jed York (@JedYork) February 21, 2014

The saga continued into the weekend, when Jimmy Haslam confirmed there was an "opportunity" to trade for Harbaugh, per Jarrett Bell of USA Today. We will probably never know the whole truth.

At any rate, it was quite the hullabaloo about a non-event—the trade never happened and may never have even materialized out of the ether of brilliant ideas.

But it got me thinking—what is the trade value for each NFL head coach?

Head Coach Trade Values
Bruce AriansArizona CardinalsBen Roethlisberger, a fourth-round draft pick and a case of Hot Pockets.
Mike SmithAtlanta FalconsTwo season passes to Six Flags Atlanta and one shipment of Atlanta Falcons 2012 NFC Champion t-shirts
John HarbaughBaltimore RavensLisa Courtney's Pokemon collection and the original collective works of Edgar Allen Poe
Doug MarroneBuffalo BillsA monthly subscription to orangeglad.com and one snowblower
Ron RiveraCarolina PanthersThe Steamboat Natchez
Marc TrestmanChicago BearsThe Molson Brewery
Marvin LewisCincinnati BengalsOne Bengal tiger cub, a third-round pick and the rights to the Ickey Shuffle
Mike PettineCleveland BrownsA poster of LeBron James autographed by Dan Gilbert
Jason GarrettDallas CowboysOne bottle of eye bleach and the Adam Sandler film anthology
John FoxDenver BroncosTwo copies of Ayne Rand’s Atlas Shrugged and a figurine of George Minne's Fountain of Kneeling Youths
Jim CaldwellDetroit LionsA one-year pass to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum
Mike McCarthyGreen Bay PackersThe rights to Brett Favre's beard and 150,000 shares in the Packers
Bill O’BrienHouston TexansJosh McDaniels
Chuck PaganoIndianapolis ColtsJim Irsay’s liquor cabinet and Heisenberg's barrel
Gus BradleyJacksonville JaguarsThe Jacksonville Sharks AFL franchise
Andy ReidKansas City ChiefsOne Taco Bell franchise or a year’s supply Jack Stack Barbeque
Joe PhilbinMiami DolphinsAn autographed photograph of Larry Coker and a case of Natty Light
Mike ZimmerMinnesota VikingsThe Janis boxed set of cassette tapes
Bill BelichickNew England PatriotsMartha’s Vineyard, one rack of Old Navy hoodies and a pair of scissors
Sean PaytonNew Orleans SaintsThe film-original Boba Fett costume and 30 seconds to peruse Steve Spurrier’s hat collection
Tom CoughlinNew York GiantsThree bottles of laudanum and the deed to Eli Manning’s soul
Rex RyanNew York JetsA $1,000 gift certificate to DSW and one coupon for laser tattoo removal treatment
Dennis AllenOakland RaidersA 1992 Ford Tempo and two tickets to Celine Dion at Caesar's Palace
Chip KellyPhiladelphia EaglesThe nuclear launch codes
Mike TomlinPittsburgh SteelersAn autographed cardboard cutout of Willie Mays Hayes and two fourth-round picks
Mike McCoySan Diego ChargersThe water rights to the San Joaquin River
Jim HarbaughSan Francisco 49ersThe Kohl's men's collection, a Breville espresso machine and all the cake, now
Pete CarrollSeattle SeahawksA lifetime supply of free trade coffee and a trip to space with Kate Upton
Jeff FisherSt Louis RamsA year's supply of Just For Men Brush-In Color Gel, Beard and Mustache (brown) and Javon Ringer
Lovie SmithTampa Bay BuccaneersGrant Balfour's monster truck and Peanut Tillman
Ken WhisenhuntTennessee TitansThe Star Wars trilogy laser disc boxed set
Jay GrudenWashingtonKirk Cousins
Miglio Blue Book

Your move, Haslam.